tokoro

There are my simple introduction and links to SNS.

sometimes nasty memories haunt me.

you know, it doesn't need to be my own memory or even a real one. for this time I remembered the rape scene from the movie, The Revenant.

I could say I was not treated well when I was a child, and my own memories somehow intensity the pain of fictional mistreatment.

now I don't want to think about it, but my body uncontrollably keeps thinking about how it must be painful or disgusting and between the thoughts I unconsciously ruminate on my own disgusting memory.

i have to admit I'm really happy these months now. my mood's lifted, I care about my appearance again, feel joy choosing blight colored clothes and can tolerate makeup, no more depression like my body and soul ripped away...

the only problem I have now is that I don't have a job. my best friend, who works at a company, often weeps about how they do not fit into the social standard and feel such a burden to the colleagues... which makes me think hard about getting a job and career. I don't want to be like them. I just don't like to be depressed again. no visceral pain and no overworking, is it so unachievable like that? maybe I don't need to get into a company employed type of life, which I somehow have felt I should do?

I don't know anything about this ship but youtube recommendation was like, "hey, do you have any interest on a yuri duet from an early 2000s anime?" so I was just, yeah why not.

Spring has come. I celebrated that my first year of living on my own has nicely ended. It was rough, mostly for my mental wellbeing, but at last I gained what I really wanted for myself. So I should have been really proud of that and full of excitement, but nah... I'm feeling far from that.

My next step is getting a job. Actually I have never gotten a stable job because I was diagnosed with depression when I was in uni and these five years were a total mess I definitely couldn't function as a worker.

I ... had a meeting few weeks ago with a career counselor. Although they were nice and sympathetic to my situation, the conversation with them made me feel terrible. I kind of got an idea, which is that I'm emotionally fucked up and these years of depression and improvement from there were just a big stain in the perspective of job career.

I finally got another set of undergarments, adequate ones for winter cold.

Then I installed the app Pikmin Bloom, now I'm really into it and thanks to the new garments I enjoy walking around the town more happily and less reluctantly.