Tokin

あえて"障害がある人が作るアート"と冒頭に書いたのは、それが他の企画と比べて、企画側が見せたい像を提示するものになりがちだからです。 ひたむきな作品、心がピュアだから作れる、とか。

ただ、個人的には、そういった切り口の企画は大体「なるほどー」で終わってしまうことが多いです。"見せたい像"が最初に設定されているから、発見や驚きより、答え合わせみたいになってしまうのかな。あたたかいとか純粋だとかいうメッセージを知って「ああ、なるほどその通りですね」と思って終わってしまうような。

そういう点で『癒しとしての自己表現展』の作品は作家自身の強烈な意志や魂が、ありのままその場に鎮座していて、独特の気高さを感じます。時には、見ている側が緊張するほどに。

先日、“心身障害者パフォーマンス集団”こわれ者の祭典の東京公演を見てきました。 イベントでは出演者さんそれぞれの「悪い依存（薬とか）・良い依存」を話すコーナーがあったんですが、東ちずるさんが“良い依存”として「サードプレイス、フォースプレイスを持って、いろんなところに居場所や頼れる関係を作る」とおっしゃっていたのが、今の自分に響きました。

The other day, I went to see the Tokyo performance of the “Koware mono no Saiten (Festival of the Broken Ones”, a performance group for people with physical and mental disabilities.

During the event, there was a segment where each performer spoke about their “bad dependencies (like drugs) and good dependencies”. What resonated with me right now was when Chizuru Azuma mentioned, as a “good dependency”, “having a third place, a fourth place, creating places to belong and reliable relationships in various places”.

最近意識的に、これまでいかなかった場所や話さなかった人と話しているんですが、これまで生きづらさ、メンタルヘルス繋がりで人に会ったり関係を作ってきたので、違う場に行くと、自分の理解力やコミュ力や、適応力のなさにビックリする事が結構あるんですよね。 言われていることがわからなくて迷う。ひとりだけ違うテンポでしゃべってしまう。相手の人の「？」という顔を見て慌てるけど、何に「？」ってなっているのかわからないから慌てたところでどうにもならない。

Lately, I've been consciously seeking out places I've never been and talking to people I've never spoken to before. However, as I've previously only met people or built relationships through connections with mental health struggles and difficulties in living, going to different places often leaves me quite shocked by my own lack of understanding, communication skills, and adaptability.

I get lost because I don't understand what's being said. I end up talking at a completely different pace to everyone else. I panic when I see the other person's puzzled expression, but since I don't know what exactly they're puzzled about, panicking doesn't help at all.

大体の人は優しいので「無理しないで」「大丈夫だよ」と言ってくれるけど、そう言われる事自体が惨めでたまらない。そういう類の苛立ちはもう終わったと思っているのに、たまに顔を出してしまうから、困ったものだね。 でもそういう場が嫌だとか行きたくないというわけでもなく…。一つの場所に全部求めるんじゃなくて、ピシッとできる場所、ダラっとしていい場所、ゆるっと話せる場所…とか、いろんなところがあるといいんだろうなと思います。

Most people are kind and say things like ‘Don't push yourself’ or ‘It's alright’, but hearing that itself makes me feel utterly miserable. I thought that sort of frustration was behind me, but it still rears its head occasionally, which is a bit of a bother.

It's not that I dislike those places or don't want to go... I just think it would be good to have different kinds of places – somewhere you can be sharp and focused, somewhere you can relax and be laid-back, somewhere you can chat casually... rather than expecting one place to be everything. 全然大丈夫じゃない時に「大丈夫だよ」なんて人に言われても、困るけど、「大丈夫だよ」って言ってくれる人がいるのは、嫌ではないし、「大丈夫ではないな〜」と言える相手がいる。 だからきっと先行きは大丈夫！ 泣いても笑っても全部ワタシの場数だ！ ややこしくて遠回りな、大事な道だよ。

When I'm really not alright, being told ‘It's alright’ is awkward, but I don't mind having people who say ‘It's alright’ to me. And I have people I can tell ‘I'm not alright!’.

トークイベントのご報告！

先日の石田月美さんとのトークイベントのご報告を描きました！

いかにもピシッとシャキッとしている印象の月美さんですが、その背景に「そうせざるを得なかった」というものがあったのですね…。 私は精神疾患と人生について「諦めながら生きてるとたまに良いことがあるから、今すぐ死ぬほど悪くはないな」の連続で生きていて、人にもそれを言ってたし、なんなら「みんなそうでしょ」とすら思っていたので、月美さんの「希望を捨てたくない」という言葉はちょっとした驚きでした。

その他にも「どうにもならないから、どうにかしようとするのをやめる」という私に対し、月美さんは、話し方や向き合い方のスキルを学んで「生きる方へ自分を持っていく」といったニュアンスの言葉が多め。自分と似たタイプの人と話すことが多かった私は、だいぶ目から鱗というか「なるほど〜！」という驚き＆発見の多いイベントとなりました。

で、これはおまけです。

でもこの後、ちゃんとフォローしてくれたんですよ。

みなさんは占いとか見ますか？ Do you all look at fortune-telling?

When I talk to people about social issues, I often feel like ‘this is a mission for this person’, while I talk about it as an issue that is relevant to me.

やりたい事とやれる事は違うという話です。

書かずにいられなかったので漫画を書きました。マスカットの香りの財布の話です。

「好きで一緒になったから 　死にたい私でも恋愛・結婚で生き延びる方法」

石田月美・鈴木大介、漫画：Tokin 発行：晶文社

コミックルポ「解離性障害、なんです。」

Tokin（著）岡野憲一郎（監修） 発行　合同出版

Breathing at Fingertips (about handwritten diary)

I have been keeping a handwritten diary for a long time. I have always loved diaries, and whether I am happy, sad, or frustrated, I write in it anyway.

（Japanese ver. is here）

It is good to write in a passion, it is good to read it later and look back and think, “Was I thinking like this at the time?” It is good to realize that I have forgotten the goals I had set, and it is good to be ashamed that I was also totally wrong at the time, or is it not good?

And the other day, I realized that one of the reasons I feel more comfortable writing by hand is because of the punctuation in my case. When I type on my phone or computer, I type punctuation and letters all in one flow, but with handwriting, “,” and ". is a different rhythm than writing, it's more like breathing or taking a deep breath. It feels like stopping and standing still.

Recently, when I look at the writings of young people on social media I often see those without punctuation marks. I write my diary on my smartphone (or computer), but even on a smartphone, punctuation marks are a good way to break up a sentence, so they are probably a hindrance when you want to write all at once. I think I can understand why this happens when you want to write in a fast pace and without stopping.

Where the vanished voice goes

The other day, when I saw that my friend was depressed, I felt I had to say something, so I ended up giving her some common words of encouragement.

Japanese ver. is here

(I can't write a specific story. Sorry!) 

On the way home, while I thought, “Oh, I said something goofy,” I suddenly realized something. The words I had said to the friend. It is the word that I had tried to say to other one in the past, but had stopped.

More than a decade ago, I was about to say those words, but I held back, thinking, "But I shouldn't say those words. And now I can't  never see him again.

Those words are just trivial everyday words. There is no point in disclosing them now. But I realized that I had kept a strong regret inside me all these years that I should have said those words.

I very often regret “I shouldn't have said that” after I have said something out loud. So I rationally take care not to say anything unnecessary...". But when I think about it, where do my true feelings, which I have suppressed with reason, go then?

If it's words like that that I can't handle, I'll probably regret whether I say them or not.

Our dish might not be here.

Recently I have been talking to others about what I want to do and how to do it.

Japanese ver. is here

In the last year or so, I have lost hope in a future that I can reach by doing the same things I am doing now.

I have my doubts about the state of our society these days, in a world that is so coated in hate and fakery, with lies and truly messed up meaning and value….I am clearly outraged, far past the feeling of…….

So, I no longer have any expectations or trust in the future beyond where I am standing now and the existing routes provided by society.I can't trust and expect.(Probably many people do.)

However, what came out of that frustration was the idea of "creating" rather than "choosing" a path or place.This was the idea.And I think that the trial and error might be a hint for someone to live.

Specific actions are still in the planning stages.However, I plan to make our public eventually.I am aiming for such a development!(It doesn't mean that I will stop being a painter!) I cannot see a breakthrough in the sense of stagnation and insecurity that is prevalent today.

so,I don't want be waiting, I want to create. Maybe it can't change the entire society, but I want create a hole that a few people can pass through.

Applause alone is not enough. (Though it is.)

I am still working on my paintings every day, but the more enthusiastic I become, the more impatient I become with the paucity of what I can do.

日本語はこちら

I am still working on my paintings every day, but the more enthusiastic I become, the more impatient I become with the paucity of what I can do. It's not so much the drawing or cartooning skills, but the experience and knowledge to write them.

I do a lot of drawing work related to mental health, and it is the result to the cause that makes them think about the importance of mental health care. And when I look at the causes, they are truly diverse, and I am stunned at how much I didn't know.

I have no choice but to do what I can do, but sometimes I get stuck in a feeling like “I'm doing it, but (what I can do) is not increasing at all.” In reality, there is some increase. In terms of work alone, I am a creator, so naturally, I leave the area of expertise to the experts. But I can't say “I'm not a professional in that area, so I don't have to do anything” when I see people actually being hurt.

I used to say, “For those who are in need, painting and art are of no use. It doesn't make money, it doesn't provide medical care.” I had blurted this out to a friend who works as a psychotherapist. I remember what she said to me at that time, “But people can't live with only what they need. That is certainly true. A simple conversation with a friend or a simple “I see…” can have a greater impact on me than medical treatment. There are also many paintings, art, and music that have saved me.

I often tell people, “I'm praying for peace of your mind.” In truth, I think to myself, “What good is just praying?”.

On March 11, 14 years ago on this day, Japan was hit by a massive earthquake.

People are not content, and they are not measured by value. They are not data, they are not numbers. We’re creatures that cry when we’re sad and bleed when we cut.

We can chat before the story's end.

In conversations with others, when I am emotionally involved, thinking over, or digging deeper into the conversation, I sometimes feel myself in the past or in a “time that might have been”.（後半に日本語文があります）

It may be my imagination of the other person that brings it up, or it may be a flashback.

The other day, after talking to friend like that, I was surprised to find myself suddenly confused on the way home.

I feel like I'm losing my footing and it's faster to give up than to resist. I wish the “now” would hurry up and pass, that whatever it is, it would pass already! I felt as if I were praying.

I was surprised by this feeling, but I also had a faint feeling that this might be important.

I usually get angry at things that hurt others. However, I think I have not been in a place where I myself have been hurt for a while.

For the first time in a long time, I remembered the tightening feeling of disgust in my chest, and I realized that the words “other people's pain” that I had been uttering recently were only images. Because it didn't hurt this much. In the image.

Hating myself, and hating the world.And don't want to depend on anyone, but I want someone to help me, and I almost lose my temper.  For me, these feelings are the starting point of my work.

There are a lot of words that sound nice, like cheering people up or helping them, but I want to think of things from a tiny perspective as much as possible. And I want to talk from there.

With the people who are there, with myself who used to be there, and with all the background that created it.

It won't be a pleasant conversation, but at least I want to make sure people don't die there. If we get through this place, we'll be able to have a pleasant conversation, so let's chat for we survive together! I want to say that.

I can't talk like that with many people, but my work might make them talk like that. I want to make something like that. I feel like I am making it.

Maybe I will be able to deliver a new piece of comic work soon. Oh, I'm really nervous!! I hope that my work can talk with you.

人との会話の中で、感情移入をしてみたり、俯瞰で考えてみたり、わからないなりに「なんでなんで」と踏み入ってみたりしていると、ふと、相手の向こうに、過去の自分や、“あったかもしれない時間”を見ることがあります。 もし同じ経験をしていたら…という想像力からくるものかもしれないし、記憶のフラッシュバックなのかもしれません。

先日、そんなふうに人と話したあと、帰り道に突然なんだか「わー」という感じになってしまって、驚いたことがありました。 足がすくむような、諦めた方が早いような。抵抗も反抗もどうでもいいからとにかく早く「今」が過ぎてくれ〜という感じ。 唐突な混乱に驚く一方で「ああ、たぶんこれは大事な事だな」ともぼんやり思っていました。

ニュースを見たり、人の話を聞いたりしていて、誰かが誰かを傷つけるという事に私は頻繁に怒っています。ただ、自分自身が傷つくところにはしばらく立っていなかったんでしょう。 久しぶりに、身に染みるような“いやなかんじ”を思い出して、最近自分が口にしていた「他者の痛み」というのは、イメージでしかなかったのだなと気づきました。 だって、ここまで痛くなかったもの。イメージでは。

自分が嫌いで世界が嫌いで、誰も頼りにしたくないのに誰かに助けてほしくてキレそうな、こういう目線がきっと自分の原点なのだと思います。

人を元気づけるとか助けるとか、聞こえのいい言葉はたくさんあるけど、私はやっぱり、なるべく、低くて重い目線からものを考えたい。それで、話したいです。 そこにいる人と、かつてそこにいた自分と、それを作り出した背景全部と。 それは楽しい会話ではないかもしれないけど、少なくともそこで人が死なないようにしたい。ここを乗り切ったら楽しい会話ができるようになるから、死なないためにおしゃべりしよーよ。という感じ。