Hereās a list of things about me that make a bit more sense when I think of myself as neurodiverse (but still might just be normal human experiences, I donāt know):
In social situations I tend to reflect or copy my counterpart a lot, from body language to tone of voice to vocabulary. I used to think that was what people meant when they talk about āchemistryā, and always wondered why Iām so dependent on this technique in social relationships.
I was a nervous mess as a kid but I couldnāt let it show (I grew up in an environment where we were required to behave as expected). I donāt want to go into detail because this is just stuff that I donāt talk about, but I remember so many situations that just went wrong, where I now know the reason to be a nervous system fully off the rails in a tiny kid that couldnāt handle it.
Having emotions always drove me insane. I remember feeling like a monster simply for having them, for not having them reciprocated, for not being able to express them properly in a way that wouldnāt scare other people off, for not handling them the way other people did. I remember scratching off the skin on my ankles as a teen because I couldnāt deal with feeling emotions the way I felt them. Other people didnāt appear to feel them that way.
I can make everything work. I can function like a well-oiled machine. Most people wouldnāt know thereās something off with me, but I feel off inside all the time. I just donāt let it show.
I feel like an impostor when Iām being normal around normal people, like when I talk to other moms from the daycare, or to a salesperson at the store. I feel like an impostor when I think about myself as neurodiverse. (Iām making this list mainly to tell That Part of My Brain to shut up.) I feel like an impostor when I express myself creatively (Iāve painted and sketched and drawn characters for years but kept telling myself āIām not an artistā because I wasnāt an artist full time, or didnāt go to art school, or had a pretty Instagram with a consistent posting schedule for my art). I feel like an impostor when I dress like a H&M mannequin. I feel like an impostor when I dress like a grunge person. I feel like an impostor at my job. I feel like an impostor all the time.
I canāt listen to music anymore. I used to as a teen and in my 20ies, but now music makes me feel too much, and anyway the amount of sound in music has become unbearable.
I need it to be quiet (a shit thing to need when you have three little kids).
I can concentrate on one thing at a time, and absolutely cannot handle having more than one demand placed upon me at a time (also a shit thing when you have three little kids).
I canāt handle clutter and mess, like, at all. Mess makes my skin tingle. Iām fully unable to relax unless Iām in a clean, calm environment with minimalistic visual input. My idea of a good time is cleaning up until Iām able to have a good time, a point that I never reach because again, three little kids. The messier our house gets, the more dysregulated and aggressive I become.
I get overwhelmed when thereās too many people or too much sensory input at once (sounds, details, movement, heat, lightā¦). When I go to the playground or the city with my kids, I get completely dysregulated and depleted and have to lie down in a dark room for half an hour afterwards without having anyone touch me, or talk to me.
I canāt handle bright light, couldnāt since I was a kid. My mom used to think I made it up but I canāt go outside without sunglasses when itās bright, or else I become a skin-tingling bundle of whining mess and aggression.
I get touched out INSTANTLY. Wasnāt always like this, but became worse after I had three kids who are basically stuck to me since five years.
From time to time I just need to exist without being commented upon. Just let me be a vegetable in the corner, I will be fine.
I donāt know how to make friends and connect to people. I donāt know how to do smalltalk. I donāt know how to to ābigtalkā either. I donāt know how to talk to people, period.
Iāve been battling recurring depressive episodes for over a decade.
My performance in social situations varies from day to day. I donāt know why and I canāt control it, but on some days, I just ācanāt peopleā. One day I leave the impression of being a fully functioning adult, the next Iām a nervous, twitchy, stuttering mess.
I donāt look people in the eyes when I talk to them. Iāve always felt that when I look at their mouths I understand them better. Same goes for TV. I have to make a massive effort to watch the actorsā eyes.
I need to be alone a lot to fully function. Itās basically my only functional way of self-care.
There's more but I'm tired of making this list. I don't know what I'm trying to prove here. I already feel like an impostor again so I'll just stop.
