BuppyLove

Lately, my hearts been pretty heavy. I can only imagine it's because the anniversary to the accident is getting closer and closer...

However, it's not just New Year's I'm dreading.

It's Christmas. It's today. 

Exactly one year since you came to my family's Christmas Eve party, I feel empty. Yeah, I have felt empty all year, but in the beginning I was still in shock; still in denial. Once November came, an alarm went off on the 2nd... saying, " TWO DOOR CINEMA CLUB WITH BUBBA!", then the 6th, the day we made your birthday between us because I couldn't hold in that I got you court side seats for the Lakers as your present, then your actual birthday on the 19th. I had looked and listened to all our old voxers... from Mid-October to the day of the crash, we spent every single day together. 

I don't know how I've made it this far. Maybe I am still in denial. I mean, any time I allow myself to actually think what has happened, to allow myself to realize how long it's been since I've seen you, how long it's been since I heard your laugh... I can't take it. It overwhelms me in a way words are much too futile to describe. In those moments, I want to shut down. Completely. And I do, really. I just cry. Sometimes I scream. If I'm in my bed, I punch my pillow and suffocate myself under the blankets. If I'm in my car I pull off to the side of the road- freeway, anywhere- and just slam my head into the steering wheel. 

Whether I mean to or not, I think I'm always distracting myself. School, reading, goofing around with the couple friends I've actually allowed in my life after all the rumors, shit-talk, and judgment from everyone else.

I'm sorry I don't write or blog anymore. It doesn't mean I don't think about you everyday... I actually think about you too much that I don't want to write what I've been harboring in my heart that entire day.  

I'm sorry I'm not there to wish you Merry Christmas, or open presents with you. 

Currently, I'm sitting alone in my apartment waiting for the UPS guy to drop off my dumb white elephant package so I can go to my family's party. I'm only 2 hours late, haha. I don't care anyways. It won't ever be the same without you there. 

Remember when you taught my family how to play Liar? And I won! (with your help....since you got out first hahaha) Did I win at your family's party? I think I lost to Tysen. I remember Taylor staring me down all night, well, everyone was haha. Watching my every move; seeing who I am and why you like a piece of shit like me. That was after I first walked in and Tim (taylor's husband) looked at me with contempt and looked away... and I snuck away crying, as you tried to reassure me not everybody in the family thinks of me like him. ...haha, it's kind of funny now, thinking about when your mom walked out, convincing me to go back inside because it's her house and if someone is there, that's because she wants them to be. ...what made me go back in was when she told me she loved me. 

Anyways, I have to go now. Which is good because I don't think I can handle thinking anymore about your parents (I never can). I won't stop thinking about you, though. I love you. I always have, always will. No matter what happens in our lives. 

Do you think there's still at least hope for our plan B promise? That if everything went to shit between us or our families and we couldn't be together, that we'd be each other Maid of Honors? 

...I pray you keep progressing. I hope you get your voice and your ability to communicate back soon. 

"I love you to mars' moons and back, then to our moon... and then, yeah, then back again." 

it's been quite some time since I last posted on here. With the exploitation of the blog to only-God-knows-how-many (seriously) of our high school classmates several months ago, I couldn't hold myself up against all the things explicitly said to me and all the things I could only imagine people were saying about me. A virtue, I suppose, as it keep us in check, but in my life caring what other people are saying and thinking about me has pretty much only been a vice. There's much to be said with that and as much as I want to dive into a major update in this post, I'm afraid it's still not the right place to do so. However, I am going to start writing and posting again. As sad and frustrating as it is, I think what I'm going to have to end up doing is doing so on a secondary, password-protected blog... it's sad from a sentimental stand-point having to ditch the original blog that we made together, but also because it will only be available to like 1/4 of our followers and our story can't inspire or help anyone (not from our high school) that stumbles upon us anymore.

I'll leave it up to giving the password to those who message me for it- not anonymously. 

Anyways, though.

Tori has come a long way the past 10 months- it's beautiful to see.... though it is still via my computer screen seeing pictures and reading her caringbridge updates. Without going into a ridiculously long post, each day is still very hard. I can't say anything has gotten easier with time- I knew this since like day 28 after the accident, that time didn't equal healing- I could pretty much argue the opposite. With so many different layers of the situation, it was so hard not to feel constantly overwhelmed; the crap from all angles was pretty much relentless (I'm sure it's still super fun to talk and gossip about me for some, but don't worry, sliding stuff under the rug or ignoring the pain is my forte now... well, it kinda has to be.) I felt like there was no proper outlet for me to really deal with and override the utter hopelessness I was feeling day in and day out: I isolated myself from friends, my family was dealing with their own things within and outside of the situation, the blog was being passed around and my life was being judged by people that don't know anything about me, and if they did, it was probably untrue, skewed, and out-of-context. Even praying to God was beyond difficult. I didn't know where to start and I'd just end up locking myself away in my room, laying there in silence... putting all my energy and faith into hoping He could know and lift what was overwhelming my heart since my brain couldn't organize or even understand it all to say it myself.

So, I'm really excited to reach this point to want to write again. It was actually Tor's letters she wrote for me last year that basically resuscitated me and have given me another wind to keep going. And not keep going in the sense of just pushing my way through each day anymore, but making something of all this. Of myself; of all I've experienced and learned since New Year's day.

I know it's by no means going to be easy. People (who don't know me and even the few that do) are going to keep talking; keep presuming and spreading their opinions as true; keep believing what they want to believe; keep doing whatever they do. Just, quite frankly, I'm exhausted of bowing down to people who don't know what they don't know (but think they do) and allowing opinions and words and judgments to rip me to the core, and then to shreds. I may have believed I deserved it, punishing myself for the life she knew being taken away, and though I'm still very much battling the guilt, confusion, frustration, and, well, self-loathing, I know God doesn't want me to keep hurting myself because of something He put in His plan and wrote deliberately in His Will for me. And even though I believed listening to and humbling myself to not scream back at and plead my case for those that preached to, judged, shunned, and condemned me, I know God's opinion and judgment is the only one that matters. Because He's the only one that knows. 

It's really late and I'm sure being this tired isn't helping me write the most articulate and great of posts, so I'm going to stop here. 

I'm sorry for not getting back to all those who've been sweet enough to still check up on this blog the past few months to see if I'd update! 

God is good, God is love

Hey! Thank you so much for messaging me. This was brought to my attention tonight and I am going to post about this sometime tomorrow. Just to respond to your particular words though- we made this blog together last summer. If you were to go to the beginning you would see Tori’s own postings that she made; I didn’t just decide to blast our relationship after the accident :S. We both decided that we had been through a lot and it was difficult to keep any of our notes, texts, emails, etc. because of constant struggles with our families and fear of judgment from even our closest of friends; this a solution to keeping a lot of our thoughts together, being easily accessible and a fun way to keep record of the things we did together. We also realized there had to be others out there in similar situations and we wanted to be a source of hope for anyone feeling discriminated against or struggling with their family as well.

However, we both agreed we weren’t ready for people like you who went to high school with us and know us personally, but not too personally, to know.

My intention to continue posting on the blog after the accident was NEVER to enable people that know both Tor and me in real life to find, read, and follow all that has happened. It was mostly a sentimental thing to keep posting on a blog we made together and for her to one day look back and be able to answer the question she might one day ask, “What did you do for 6 months when you weren’t allowed to see me?” or “What did you feel like; how did you keep going?” There was single to no one who we chose to tell out of our own decision (which we made mutually together) to directly and in-person come out to.

I had a panic attack when finding out people from our high school found the blog. I’m still confused at how it’s found because on my own search engine that I tried several times to make sure it can’t be found out of paranoia in January and February, it didn’t show up. And even today it didn’t besides on the 3rd or 4th page it showed a tag, but even then once clicked, I made it so the blog would not be seen or accessible on that page. It’s frustrating because we set it so the blog is unable to be indexed by search engines.

I really appreciate your gentle way of going about telling me this! I do hope you realize my intention in my posts are never to harm Tori, put words in her mouth, or even bring a bad name to her family. Which will be a huge chunk of what I want to address in my next post. I adore her family. They are going through something so incredibly painful, difficult, and terrifying. No matter how upset or hurt I am, I’m never, ever trying to take away from their adversity with losing their daughter. And with you knowing Tori and going to high school with her, I’m sure you’d agree that she’s not just some average person, but someone so absolutely incredible and day (if not life) changing/brightening/making. This accident has caused hurt in so many people’s hearts and my posts never mean to take away from everyone or anyone else’s hurt, but just to be an outlet and the one place (I thought was safe from people who knew all of our information and can google it to find) I could actually let out some of my true emotions and struggles within this traumatic situation. With that, some of the posts are straight up in the heat of the moment and embodied by hurt. (Tori’s number 1 fact was that anger is a second emotion, that it only comes out of defense from being hurt). Obviously, everyone will read my text with their own perspective/ tone of voice. Not to be overdramatic, but any post that can be read as if I’m yelling or pissed… there’s a 99% chance I’m actually just crying and trying to grasp why things have unfolded this way. But these posts were never to be read by anyone who actually knew us, because in reality, they didn't really know us anyways. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, and I apologize for anything that has come across rude, ignorant, judgmental, or just plain stupid (which I understand to many the latter will be prominent).

I continued to write for Tori: as a sentimental notion and a way for her to look back on what I thought and went through during the time I was involuntarily M.I.A. and needed to be patient; for myself: as an outlet, to look back on, reflect, and hopefully grow and learn during this journey (one of the biggest things I’ve learned is how ridiculous some raw, in-the-moment feelings, thoughts, and emotions can be- especially when hitting a wall and just letting it out in the form of anger….that’s not good. The Bible has plenty of verses that help remind me to keep myself in check with this ugly way of handling difficult situations); and for the hundreds of strangers that have messaged me thanking me for sharing our story that has inspired them to keep going even when the whole world seems to be against them. I believe in my heart that Tori would know, understand, and appreciate these reasons.

With people finding the blog though, I have made a majority of the posts private as Tumblr doesn’t allow you to just set a password or even make the entire blog private, so it’s a bit tedious. Other than that I’d have to delete the entire thing and that would just be really sad. I mean, I hoard english essays from like 4th grade..

So thank you so much again and I’d beyond appreciate it if you don’t exploit the link or tell anyone else about it!