okay. so. after being mistreated by the artist i've been doing production for, i hit the ceiling when i asked her for one limit and she got soooo offended and then attacked me. she'd gotten a new customer ($ 1,000 usd) on sunday (six days ago), and told me she's getting $400 usd from driving uber. i said, oh cool. then she sent me a super excited voice message on wednesday about how she's already booked a flight for l.a. in three weeks, booking meetings with producers and attending the 5sos show. i want to leave for my trip with all ten demos ready. i told her i'm happy for her, i also asked her to not tell me about your trip to l.a. for meetings and seeing 5sos' show the day after your birthday, because you're spending all the money you tell me you have and spending it on those things. and i know we signed a contract, so i'm not asking you for more money ($200 usd for nine demos and then adding an extra is crazy), all i'm asking is for you to not tell me about the trip and 5sos because it sucks to hear that you're spending money on that rather than value the work i'm doing for your album. she got soooooo offended. she said she needed to tell me about the trip because it's important for me to know about the meetings, for the project's sake. i paid exactly what you asked for, i don't get where this is coming from. like????? she must've forgotten about how i presented her the budget for a vocal production and then she started adding more and more and more shit and when i said, okay so if i'm gonna be doing more work, i- i can't pay you any more, but make it aggressive. she forced my hand. and used every single word i've ever said against me. this is a pattern. because then she sent me another voice message saying i needed to learn how to regulate myself, because i was so caught up with the money aspect rather than the project, that she understands that voice in my head because she also has it sometimes. the voice that tells you everyone's taking advantage of you, and i'm not taking advantage of you. you don't have to reply right away, digest what i told you and learn how to regulate your emotions. like???? again???? long story short: i panicked, i called my mom, i went to therapy early and agreed to call my godfather (who is a lawyer) to find out how the fuck to get out of this contract with this fuckass artist. one of the group therapists listened to the voice message and agreed she was being insane. i remember i listened to it outside the hospital, holding my grandmother's hand, nervous as we listened to the message together. i'd taken her to her doctor's appointment. (another story, it was fine but tiring basically) i talked to mar about it and she inspired me to try my hardest to cut the artist off. i went to see my godfather lawyer yesterday to his job (uni teacher) and we talked and he was sooo nice and paternal i felt really safe. i hadn't felt safe around a father figure ever (not my dad, or my mom's ex-boyfriend who ended up cheating on her. she's been single ever since) MY POINT IS i sent her an email, and we ended up agreeing to stop working together. i still have to send her three unfinished demos (seven were already finished) and pay her back $20 usd because ???? ugh, so unfair. i calculated the whole thing. 200 x 9 demos in 50 worked hours. only $4 usd an hour. i'm worth so much more than that. i hope to be. i AM. ANYWAY... that's one story.
the mar story's got me really fucked up right now.
she told me there was a shootout at the mall she was working in today. everyone's was hiding in the store's backroom for forty minutes and then fucking policemen escorted them out with guns. and they closed the mall. she told me all that when she'd gotten home and was safe. what the fuckkkkkkkkk she's traumatized (OBVIOUSLY) and also i'm traumatized with that story. it got me thinking, if something were to happen to her, how would i know? how would i find out? i'd asked for her instagram, or pictures, or whatever that makes her existence more believable (voice messages are fine but you never wanna talk "on the phone". we've never done it. we've never video-chatted. we've been friends for six years and i love her soooo much and i know she loves me soooo much but if something were to happen to her (or me) we wouldn't be able to know. maybe we think the other ghosted. that would be so fucking devastating. if there's an accident, a comma or whatever. i don't know what to do with all this information. she asked me to calm down after i voiced my concerns (i only asked her for a contact outside of discord and tumblr), because she doesn't want me to be upset. i don't know why i said maybe this is a dealbreaker. but i also told her i needed to process shit because i hate that it feels like a dealbreaker. i haven't replied after she asked me what do you mean?? because i know today's not about me. because fuck, i can be so selfish. i hate that this is affecting me this much. what do i even say to her to soothe her? i think i was pretty empathetic and soothing right before i thought about the possibility of her dying. it hit me so hard i cried to my roommate about it. what can i say now?
i sent her a really dramatic voice message but deleted it right away and just texted: today isn't about me, i hate that i couldn't filter myself, i just want you to be okay, i love you. i'm still dramatic. fuck.
