The Adventures Of T.J.Davis

I am desperate for something to occupy my mind but I can never find something that does for long. I am emerged into something for a couple days I feel satisfied and at ease. I can relax knowing I have something. Then it fades. I lose interest and drive. I’m back we’re I started. Empty and without a distraction from my hurtful thoughts. I was watching a Netflix show and the character says “It’s just myself, talking to myself about myself”. Peaky Blinders is so good! That line hit me like a ton of bricks. That is how I feel a lot. Im so hard on myself and I’m constantly in my own head. I continuously say to myself I need a hobby. I always thought I’d be deep into motherhood by now. And my mind would be filled with motherly duties. What do I do with myself now? I feel the need to hide away. In my safe little bubble where I can be sad if I want. I can be mad if I want. You can’t judge me or try to help me. I may feel like something’s missing but at least I can feel it by myself in my happy place.

You tell me I’m beautiful, funny and smart. That you love me and you would never hurt me. That I’m the only one and will be the only one. You promise to take care of me and never leave me. You tell me you’d rather have a bad day with me then a good day with someone else. You tell me things and I believe you.

I have an unusually request for you all today. Tell me your least favorite part of your summer vacation. Tell me what made you want to go home early. Let me know if your family was driving you crazy or if you were missing your family. Tell me about how you had a staycation and would have given anything to be in the Bahamas or vise versa. It’s ok to not be happy all the time. You don’t always have to remember the good times. Remembering crappy things that happened to you is a part of life. Let’s make art with our bad memories!

There’s something about asking for things that you need and not receiving them. It makes sense when you need a drink of water and can easily help yourself to a glass. But what about a hug? What about a little attention? What about a bit of patience? When your asking but not receiving what do you do then? Maybe you just think you need it right now and tomorrow will be different and you’ll be fine once again. But, what about today? You need a hug like the air you breath, yet no one is giving it to you. You are practically begging. Now you are silent and it’s the end of the night. So, maybe tomorrow you’ll be fine. Maybe.

Sam draws a pair of giant balls and then attempts to add the tiniest penis he can manage on his best friend Marks parents driveway. He waits patiently for Mark to come back from grabbing a couple of red popsicles from the freezer inside the house. When Mark finally returns he is holding one blue and one purple and has a what the hell look on his face. “I said I wanted red!” Sam jumps up and grabs the blue popsicle before he was stuck with disgusting grape. “These were the last two left.” Mark was even more upset than before since there were genitalia on his driveway and now he was stuck with the purple popsicle. “Dude, clean that off right now. My mom could come out any minute.” Mark goes around the corner of the house to grab the hose, comes back and throws it on the ground in front of Sam. “Why it’s not like she hasn’t seen your tiny dick before.” Sam laughs and punches Mark in the arm. “My penis is not tiny! You better clean that off or I won’t be your friend anymore.” Mark bends down and picks up the hose and extends it out to Sam. Sam then knocks it out of Marks hand and crosses his arms to finalize his decision. In response Mark quickly snatches the blue popsicle out of Sams hand, gives him a dirty look and goes inside.

She hears her name from a distance and she stops to look up but no one is there. Her face goes pale and her blue eyes turn grey. She looks to see her sweet baby but it’s gone. She begins to panic, crying and reaching out for her lost baby. In a moment she is rushed by multiple men all in white. They hold her down forcefully and she desperately screams for help. She looks around to notice others but they seem to be completely oblivious or ignoring her pleas. She feels a pinch on her neck and through her veins a liquid fire. She passes out.

When you are a child your dreams are great and your imagination is infinite but as you age something happens to a select few unfortunates. You get lost. You become embarrassed by the dreaming you once did. You scold yourself for ever believing in such absurd things. People you once admired lose their glamour and sparkle. You forget you cared and then forget to care. Nothing matters. What’s the point? You let yourself fall into the darkness and push any light that might be left to guide you away. You are lost and part of you never wants to be found. But then someone steps in, maybe someone you never expected, maybe someone who’s always been there. They respark that guiding light. They add fuel to the fire leading you to your dreams. They put ideas in your head that you have never thought of before. Then you begin to dream once more and from your dreams grow adventures untold stories ready to sprout from your fingertips. You feel like a child again.

For a moment I was completely at peace. For a split second I was happy. It didn’t last long of course. My phone began to ring and a rush of anxiety consumed my entire body. I felt ill. It didn’t really matter who it was. It could have been Santa Clause and I still wouldn’t have wanted to answer. I glanced at the caller ID praying I wouldn’t recognize the number. No such luck. I desperately wanted to decline. In fact my finger hovered over end call when suddenly the obnoxious sound of my ringtone stopped. Did I just dodge a bullet? Sorry, I got held up. Maybe, I’m on the other line. Oh! I lost my phone. No! I left it in the bathroom and forgot. The excuses poured into my mind like hot coffee with cream and sugar. It was a sweet victory. I couldn’t help but give a sigh of relief. I did it. I ignored a phone call. Heck, I may not answer calls for the rest of the day. My future is looking bright and my anxiety is melting away. A burst of energy hits me. I could do anything I wanted. Nothing was stopping me. I put my phone down beside me, closed my eyes and for a moment I was completely at peace. For a split second I was happy.