my massive waste of time

12 kg down in 5 weeks ... lets see where I can get to in another 5.......

So tomorrow i have a relatively simple operation...a vasectomy... now i work for a hospital.. people i work with and know well know my dr and assure me it'll be a cake walk.. yet here i am SHITTING myself over the fear of a general anaesthetic ... you would imagine that for someone as high strung as i am that the thought of going to sleep and waking up when its all said and done would be a comfort... but nope.. packing my dacks with yesterdays dinner... i am a nervous wreck. I feel sick to my stomach.. if id eaten any breakfast it would be on the floor by now. Worst part is... its happening​ tomorrow and im a wreck today... how will i go tomorrow, or tonight for that matter.. Fuck... i hate this shit.. i want to feel normal. Why should i be afraid of just about everything all the time.. what did i do that makes me deserve this shit? I don't think im a bad person... though if somebody else told me I was a good person I'd immediately decide they were lying i guess.. I just cant help but think that this is all so unfair. Why can't I hope Why can't I look forward to things Why can't I just live a life like everybody else What the fuck!! I never used to be like this.. i would feel nervous..sick..even scared but i could shout it down and move on. I can't do that anymore and probably never should have i guess... but it was nice to be able to push on with stuff but that's getting harder and harder.. the hypothetical nonsensical bullshit i hear all day is getting harder to shut out and it scares the hell out of me.. Sorry to rant but sometimes it helps just to get it out... even if its to no-one.

This fucking movie..... intense

My poor wifes wrist.....