let it breathe

but like lmao this year, this year was a fucking trainwreck. i started hating the part of myself that loved men so much, i was so focused on the fact that i had to hate men and i was constantly pushing away all the feelings of attraction i held for them that it started to affect my attraction as a whole, mainly my love for women. and it put me even further into the closet, like i was so fucking scared to come out to my friend, i cried for 20 minutes before i was able to tell her. and now thinking about it, that was so crazy because she truly is the kindest and most understanding person ever.

and i mean i know, it isnt easy to come out, everyone gets scared from time to time, but like. i was terrified. i had retreated so far back into the closet. like, i have been dropping the hints for the entire year about how i dislike men and love women and surely she could’ve guessed that i was gay and like, we even talked a lot about like lgbt rights and stuff and i knew that she would love me no matter what but i was so fucking blinded with fear lol

like i was so sure that i would never meet a gay person in my life, i was so sure that i would never some out to my old friends because they would hate me etc etc and it was just. it truly was such a low point in my life like damn.

but now!!!!!! like now that she knows i feel so free. we talk about so many things every single day, she wants to know all about what have to say, she makes me say things that im to scared to say but i have been dying to say them for such a long time. her patience, her kindness and her humor are such a blessing and i truly do love her so much. 

and now that my mind is starting to clear and now that im finally letting myself to think without fear, i have never felt this free and comfortable with myself. im definitely going to come out to my childhood best friend once the college is over and i get back home. and lmao i think at least 40% of my old friends are gay. like i dont know for sure because they didnt come out or anything but you know, its that gay vibe. and just, these hints. i have been dropping similiar hints for a couple of past years lmao

also, i was talking to my best friend yesterday and we were talking about the way that we see our attraction and the way we present it. i told her about my love for women and how much it defines who i am and how much i love that part of myself. and then she said that she can see it in the way that i look, walk, talk. and i was like. aaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so relieved that i give off the gay vibe, i was fucking ecstatic!!!! and from here ill just continue to be gayer and gayer!