tinysdada

I pulled an all nighter like I usually do. I just couldn’t sleep. I had gotten new pajamas and a new paci from a really great friend, and even though I couldn’t get into little space by myself, I still wanted to try them.

I sat in our living room scrolling my phone and watching Tik Tok. I passed myself in the mirror. The pastel pajamas, the pink pacifier in my mouth. I felt… silly. “What are you doing?” I could hear my inner voice say. I wanted it to be quiet. “I’m not hurting anybody” I whispered to myself. Although I knew that to be true, tears fell down my face anyway. I felt like no one would want this side of me, let alone love it. I don’t hate that I’m an abdl. I hate that it feels lonely. Like a life sentence of loneliness. Yeah, I know rationally that isn’t true. But when you’ve been through what I’ve been through in this kink, it’s hard not to feel that way. Eventually the tears dried up and I sat in the living room alone.

Before I knew it, the sun had come up and I heard him stir. My heart immediately started beating out of my chest. I’m not used to him seeing me like this. Yeah, I’ve dressed up around him before for work, but that’s what it was, work. I’ve only ever been truly little around him a handful of times. One of the first times I ever tried to be little around him, he freaked out. He said hurtful things. I know he didn’t mean it and he was just having a hard time understanding, but it stuck with me. I forgave him, but it’s like a scared dog. Once it bites you, you don’t reach out to pet it anymore. You know it didn’t mean to bite you and hurt you, but it left a scar all the same. I was afraid that if I was little around him too much, he would hate me. I try to keep this side of me away from him as much as I can. I know it’s not his thing, and I never want to make him uncomfortable.

He walked in and asked me if I had been up all night. I just nodded, too shy to speak. He just looked at me. He looked at my puffy, red rimmed eyes. He looked at my clothes. He looked at the stuffed bunny I clutched to my chest for dear life, like it would protect me from all the hurt. Somehow, he knew. His expression softened. Something I’m not used to. He’s a gruff man. Military. Type A. Tenderness has never been a strong attribute of his, but I never minded. I liked how strong he is. How nothing ever seemed to bother or hurt him. I’ve always been the opposite. A “crybaby” for lack of a better word. I always envied his ability to just.. not care. But when he looked at me, he really looked at me.

He didn’t see a grown woman playing pretend. He saw a scared little girl begging for someone, anyone to make her feel okay again. He sat down and pulled his chair close to mine. His arm around me, stroking my hair. I laid my head on his shoulder. We didn’t say anything. We didn’t need to. Before I knew it, I found myself crawling into his lap, pacifier in my mouth in what I thought was a silly little outfit. But he didn’t make me feel silly. He held me. He held me for a long time.

Eventually he got up to make coffee. The silence felt so loud. “Is he angry? Does he think I’m a freak? Does he wonder why he married me at all?”The thoughts raced through my head so quickly I could feel my head spin. I put on scooby doo for some background noise. He’s not a fan of cartoons, never has been. But he sat down with his cup and watched them with me. I found myself in his lap again and before I knew it, I felt myself slip into little space.

My voice turned into that squeaky baby voice that I can’t control when I’m in that headspace. As we watched, I giggled and said “silly doggy!” I immediately put my hand over my mouth. “Why did I do that? He’s going to be so annoyed. I can’t take this too far. I need to take what I can get.” I thought. But.. he wasn’t annoyed. He smiled at me. A real one. Not one he put on just to make me feel better.

We watched a few episodes, his hand stroking my back. Usually when he starts doing that, it’s because he’s in the mood. But this felt different. It was different. It was sweet. It was a touch that said “I got you. You’re okay.” It was almost 2pm at this point. I hadn’t slept at all. “Are you tired?” He asked me. I just nodded, handle of the pacifier tapping against the shield.

Before I could stop myself the words spilled out of me. “Will you diaper me up so I can take a nap?” I immediately regretted the words as soon as I said them. I expected a grimace. A huff. A sign that I had pushed my luck. But that isn’t what happened. He said “yeah, baby.” I froze. He had diapered me before, but I could tell it was a chore for him. This felt different.

He walked into the bedroom and I followed, shy and scared. I left my blankie and bunny in the living room so I went back to grab them. I couldn’t do this alone. I needed them to make me feel okay. When I walked back in, he had spread my Bear in the Big Blue House blanket out across our bed. Then something came out of his mouth I never thought in a million years I would hear. “Are you ready for your diaper, princess?” I stopped in my tracks. My heart pounding harder than I’ve ever felt in my life. A small little “yeah” escaped my lips. I laid down and I couldn’t look at him. I put my bunny over my face, trying to hide.

I could feel him take off my pajama bottoms, and I felt more vulnerable than ever. I could hear the crinkles of him unfolding the diaper, my face burning. I instinctively went to lift my butt up off of the bed, but instead he grabbed my legs and pulled me up into the diapering position. I froze. He laid me back down, picking my legs back up until he had found the right position. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

He taped me up and put my pajamas bottoms back on me. I was still hiding my face, I couldn’t look at him. I heard his voice, softer than I had ever heard before, “now you can take your nap.” I could feel him take my blankie and he covered me with it. My bottle at my side and my bunny in my hands. I could hear him walk out and gently close the door. I immediately grabbed my bottle and started drinking feeling my eyes close. Before I knew it, I was out.

I woke up hours later. I toddled into the living room, holding my bunny by its ear, pacifier still in my mouth. I expected him to say “how’d you sleep?” Instead he said, “do you need your diaper changed?” That brought me right out of my sleepy haze. I just shook my head no, even though I absolutely did. I didn’t wanna push things too far. I sat down, took out my pacifier and looked at him. A look that said “thank you”. He smiled at me. I felt myself return to my adult headspace. We sat and I watched the rest of the movie he had been watching together.