Alone

It’s funny to write this letter, and yet not know if you will ever read it…

Because where should I send it? I have no address for you. No phone number on which to contact you. Facebook and WhatsApp are of no use, and Skype and Instagram will not reveal your face to me… Uber cannot drive me to your door, and I know not where to book the train ticket to so that I may give it to you in person.

And yet, although we may not have met, I want you to know that I am here. That I have a phone number and a Facebook profile. I have a world – friends, family, hobbies, and interests – and I am looking towards the moment when our worlds shall meet, the moment when we get to open up our worlds to one another, and grow together in love.

I want you to know that I am waiting and that, already, I have chosen you. I have chosen you over all the false images of life and love that have been pumped into our culture. Because all these false images – the promiscuity, the egocentricity – none of them are able to inflame my heart a fraction of that which the thought of you does, the thought of one day being able to give my whole self to you in unconditional love.

But there’re some things I need you to know. I’m not perfect. I’m just a normal guy who is trying to choose to live out authentic love each day – along with many other normal guys who are doing the same – we are out there! And sometimes it’s really difficult. You need to know that I’m not going to save you, I know my weaknesses all too well, and I am no savior. But there is One who is our Savior. And I hope that you have met Him already. Even though I do not know you by name, He does. And I hope that wherever you are, you know that you are loved by Him infinitely more perfectly than I will ever manage.

I want you to know that I talk to God about you. As He loves you face to face now, I pray that I may also love you face to face. He is teaching me each day in small ways what it will take to love, and to lay down my life for you. In Him I see how to love authentically, and I choose to love you.

And so, I will continue to keep a watchful guard over my soul, that one day you will trust me and allow me to guard and protect yours too. By the grace of God I will lead you to heaven.

But that time is not yet. And I don’t want you to worry about how long it may be until we meet. I need you now to be running towards God, to run with Him. One day I will run with you, but please don’t wait to meet me before you start, for it will only be as we are both running towards God, with our gazes fixed upon Him, that our paths will cross. Know that I am running towards Him; however, know that it is often more of a 3000 meter hurdle race for me, than a 100 meter sprint, and that although I may come out of this a bit battered and bruised, in Him I will be made strong and ready for you.

Dear Future Wife, wherever you may be, know that love is a choice, and although I do not yet know who you are, and I do not know the things that make you smile or the things that make you laugh, or the things you find difficult or painful – know that I have chosen to love you. And that I will find you as we run side by side into the arms of Our Heavenly Father.

I hope that you are safe. I hope that you know that you are loved, and that you are immensely precious to my heart, and to the heart of God. May your Guardian Angel keep watch over you.

Please pray for me.

Your Future Husband

Whether you are reading this before you meet me, or stumble upon it after, I want you to know a few things.

The reason I am writing this today is because I can’t stop thinking about you, and I can’t stop myself from imagining how happy we will be. Let this letter be a promise to you that I will do my best to be the man I want to be for you.

I may not yet know all of the difficulties that come with a lifetime commitment, but I have enough relationship experience to know what I want and how I picture my life with the person I will commit to: you.

Those around me are a continuous source of education and inspiration on how I want our relationship to be. So here and today, I vow to try my best to do the following:

I promise to do my best to make you beam daily, so count on many surprises. Your smile will be my priority. I get weak knees when anybody smiles, so just imagine the effort I will make to be the source of yours.

I promise I will always look at you with the same adoration as I did the moment I realized I loved you.

I promise to try to ignite the same sparkle in your eyes I see when you’re surprised, inspired, motivated or when you are about to lean in to kiss me.

I promise to hold your hand when we’re 80 years old with the same liveliness that I did when I crossed that line to hold yours for the first time. I vow never to let the excitement of dating me die down; I will surprise you with the location, the reason or the activity itself.

I promise to keep you guessing where we’re going next.  I promise to do my best always to interest you. I will keep reinventing myself, gaining new hobbies, new knowledge and new interests to keep you -- and myself -- entertained.

I promise to have new stories to share with you, and maybe I’ll retell the best ones again if you insist. Our friendship will continue to grow over the years.

I vow to challenge you to challenge yourself for the better; to make you think differently. I promise to try to feed off of your illuminating energy that will inspire me to do the same with myself. I will do my best to ensure that being bored never crosses your mind.

Even in grief and darkness, I promise to show you the different shades of the dark, and to help you find the tiny rays of light that are always there if you seek them. After all, there’s always worse than worst and better than best; everything is relative.

I promise to kiss you throughout our life together, with the same passion I had the first time I felt my lips on yours. When we kiss, I want it to slow down time -- just you and me engulfed in our feelings.

I promise to play the games you like to play.

I promise to do my best to remain physically attractive for you, and I will do my best to be healthy in order to keep up with our children and grandchildren; someone has got to teach them Muay Thai kickboxing. I’ll train you, too; I want you to know how to fight and defend yourself, just don’t use it against me.

I promise to help you to be healthy, both physically and mentally. I will cook and clean for us. Expect the best breakfast: traditional Armenian tomato and pepper omelets, followed by fruit salad with… well, I can’t give all the secrets out.

I promise to strive to be a role model for our children. I want both you and them to see me as a source of motivation. I want to inspire them in the same way that my father inspires me.

I promise to do my best to love your family as you love them and to be by their side as much as I am by yours.

I promise to always listen to you when you simply just want to be heard; when you want someone to vent to about something or when you want advice.

I will listen to you especially when you don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with anybody else, and to the things you try to tell me when you’re not even speaking. I promise to always listen.

During our life together, I promise to make sure that you feel as though you are the center of the household -- I know you will be -- and I will always try to show my appreciation for you because of that. Being the man of the house is nothing without a woman.

I promise never to let my guard down in taking care of us. I know you won’t be one to be satisfied with the bare minimum.

I promise to do everything that I can for you without taking away from your independence physically, intellectually or emotionally.

I promise to create family traditions and to make sure that your legacy lives forever through our children.

I promise to encapsulate the moment when I realize that I am in the most magnetic, amorous and erotic love with you, not to let that feeling dissipate to the best of my ability and to relive it with you constantly, always.