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@timmytoxic

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"First, He Was Home Alone, Now, He's Lost In New York."
Oh god that turned out grim, thanks a lot Home Alone 2.
âDo you dare walk these steps again?â
-The Exorsist III
âIf you say youâre a vampire, you get a free small soda at the moviesâ
Still my favourite Milhouse quote lol
Loved it so much I had it tattooed on Halloween
From toe to head⌠by veterinarian on DeviantArt
âIf I cut off your arms and I cut off your legs, would you still love me anyway?
If youâre bound and youâre gagged, draped and displayed, would you still love me anyway?â
Lovely indeed đ

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15 second horror films as part of a contest run by Troma. This one is called Emma directed by Daniel Limmer.
Yikes
this, makes me more sad than frightenedâŚ
oh my god
Combining horror figures with old TVs đş. By Rickey Williams
Super cool!
horror icons in rubberhose style, part 2. đˇđ¸đĽđĄ
Artist: thespicydonut on Instagram
horror icons in rubberhose style- đĽđĄ
artist: thespicydonut on Instagram.

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âA house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.â
(Source)
âHELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON. I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.â
âNEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO? PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?â
âPUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.â
âLOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON. ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES? THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.â
âYOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE. YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID âMAYBEâ.â
I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steveâs wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia.
One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isnât Catholic but itâs the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless.
For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the worldâs most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura.
When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesnât wear it he will forever sleep on the couch.
I want to expand on this, since I see itâs still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats.
What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how⌠normal⌠everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, âSince my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Hendersonâs did theirs!â. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.)
The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now sheâs restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isnât looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say itâs first words.
The homeownerâs association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel.
Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldnât appreciate flute music.
Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.)
After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharonâs attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which letâs face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group ofâŚâŚAbominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss.
ââŚâŚBUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.â
âNo no no, I read it in a book! Donât you have to be invited or something?!â
âWELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.â
âWhat the hell does that mean?!!â
âDID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.â
ââŚâŚ..â
âTHE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.â
Reblogging cause I kind of want more of thisâŚ.
Since you asked nicely ^_^
Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if heâd ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasnât. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but itâs like the Fitz-Simmonâs chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job.
After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really canât help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.)
Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom thatâs been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it.
Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Motherâs Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, âOnly as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and sheâd probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?â She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.)
He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound.
âYouâŚ.you alright there buddy?â
âNĚĚĚĚÍÍŤĚĚżĚÍ̴̾ͥÍÍĚŤĚŤĚÍĚťĚÍĚŤĚĽĚŞĚąÍÍĚŻÍ OĚÍĚÍĚÍĚÍŹÍÍŽĚ ĚĚĚĚÍŻĚÍÍŇÍÍĚľÍ ĚťĚĚÍĚÍÍ̝̪̟Ě.ÍͤͼÍÍÍŹÍĚÍÍĚ Ě͎͊ͧͤ̽ĚĚľÍĚŁÍĚĚŁĚĚťĚĚŠĚĚ Ě â
âUh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know youâre kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?â
âNĚĚĚĚÍÍŤĚĚżĚÍ̴̾ͥÍÍĚŤĚŤĚÍĚťĚÍĚŤĚĽĚŞĚąÍÍĚŻÍ OĚÍĚÍĚÍĚÍŹÍÍŽĚ ĚĚĚĚÍŻĚÍÍŇÍÍĚľÍ ĚťĚĚÍĚÍÍ̝̪̟Ě.ÍͤͼÍÍÍŹÍĚÍÍĚ Ě͎͊ͧͤ̽ĚĚľÍĚŁÍĚĚŁĚĚťĚĚŠĚĚ Ě â
âRight. Um. Well.â
Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guyâs still, unmoving form.
When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, thereâs no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window.
Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise heâd have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges.
âNice night for it, huh?â
ââŚ..YĚÍÍÍĚÍÍĄĚŽĚŽÍÍÍÍÍĚEÍŠÍÍŽĚĚÍŻĚͧÍĚľĚĚĚ´ĚşĚ ĚąÍ ÍSĚ˝ĚĚÍŠĚÍĚÍŠĚÍÍÍ͢͢ÍÍ̎̚ĚĚłÍ ĚŞĚŠĚÍ̤̲̝Í̹̳.ĚÍŤĚÍÍĚżĚÍŞÍͧĚÍÍ̧Í̢͢ÍĚĚĚĽĚŚÍÍ â
âGuy wonât scare anymore litttle girls, will he?â
âNĚĚĚĚÍÍŤĚĚżĚÍ̴̾ͥÍÍĚŤĚŤĚÍĚťĚÍĚŤĚĽĚŞĚąÍÍĚŻÍ OĚÍĚÍĚÍĚÍŹÍÍŽĚ ĚĚĚĚÍŻĚÍÍŇÍÍĚľÍ ĚťĚĚÍĚÍÍ̝̪̟Ě.ÍͤͼÍÍÍŹÍĚÍÍĚ Ě͎͊ͧͤ̽ĚĚľÍĚŁÍĚĚŁĚĚťĚĚŠĚĚ Ě â
âGood. Gânight then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augyâs just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.â
â IÍĚĚĚÍÍĚÍĚ´ĚĚÍĚŽĚĚŠĚŹĚŽĚŁḚ̌ÍĚŠÍĚĚłÍĚĚ ĚĚͤĚÍĚ ÍÍĚ̽ͧÍĚÍÍḚ̌ÍĚĽÍÍĚ̤̺ÍĚłÍĚšÍĚŁĚWĚÍÍÍÍÍÍÍĚÍŽÍĚÍŁÍ̜ͤÍÍ̜̹ÍĚÍĚźĚĚŁĚŽIĚÍŠÍŚĚĚ̞ͣ͏ĚĚĚÍĚͧÍÍÍÍ̴̜͢ÍÍ ĚĚĽĚŠÍ ÍLÍŻÍÍÍĽĚĚÍĚÍŹĚĚĚÍÍ Ě ĚÍĚ Ě̪̰̝LÍŚÍĚÍŽÍŠĚ͏ͨͣÍ̸ÍĚĚÍĚŽ.ÍÍͤ͊ÍĚÍĚ´ÍÍÍĚŽÍÍÍ̹̝̣ ĚÍÍŤĚÍͨĚĚÍĚĚĚ̸̥̊ĚĚ̝̪̊̊ĚÍĚłÍÍĚĚşÍTĚžÍĚÍĚĚ ÍĄĚˇĚˇÍĚÍĚ̝̝̪Ḛ̯̝̌Ị̰̝́̏HÍŻÍĚÍ͎ͧÍÍŚÍÍÍĚŹĚŞĚŠĚŹĚĚŁÍÍÍAÍĽĚÍĽĚ̴̴̽ͧÍÍ̤ÍÍ̤̎Ě̹̯ÍÍĚÍḬ̰́̏ÍĚ NÍĚÍĚĚĚĚĚ ÍŁĚ˝ĚĚĚͯ͊ͤÍ̢͢ÍÍÍĚŻÍĚŞÍĚĚ ÍĚŻÍÍĚ°Ě ĚąĚ ĚłÍĚłKÍͧÍÍÍŁĚĚĚÍŻĚĚÍĚÍĚ̢ÍŇÍĚĚĚĽĚĚ¤ĚŚĚťĚłÍ ÍÍŽĚÍÍÍĚ˘Í Ě˘Í̝̼̣̚ĚÍĚÍÍÍĚĚŻĚÍÍĚĚŠÍYĚÍĚĚÍÍĚĚÍĚłĚĚŹḬ́ĚĚĚŠĚŞÍĚĚĚ OĚͼ͍͍͍̿ͤ͊ÍÍĚÍŚĚĚ͢ÍÍ̺̲ÍÍĚŹĚłĚÍĚąĚĚÍĚUĚÍŞÍŻÍÍÍÍÍŻÍÍŚĚĚ ĚĚĚĚžÍĚÍ§Í˘Í ÍĄĚ˘Í˘ÍĚ˛ĚŚĚ Ě¤ÍĚÍĚŚÍĚÍÍ̺̺.ÍŤĚͤ͏ͨ͌ÍÍͨ̿͊ͪÍĚśÍ̸ĚÍĚĚšĚ̝̣ÍÍĚ ĚŹĚŚ.ͧÍĚĚĚÍͨĚÍÍĽÍÍĚÍÍÍÍÍ ĚḬ́ĚĚ̲ÍĚÍÍ̼̳̊.ÍÍÍÍŚÍÍÍŻÍÍĚÍŤĚ ÍŻĚśĚˇĚŽÍ̹̟̏Ḭ́ÍÍÍĚĽ.ĚĚÍŽÍÍŠÍŚĚ̞̽ĚÍĚ¨Ě§Í Ě̤̳̺̎ĚÍĚÍĚÍÍ.ĚÍŞĚĚĚĚĚĚ ĚÍͧͪͪ͏ĚÍĚÍĚżÍÍĚšĚÍĚŽÍḚ̌ÍÍÍ âŚ.NEIGHBOR STEVE.â
âAnytime.â
There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augyâs new âhairstyleâ (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son.
When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (âpOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOnâT geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnDâ, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included).
IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!!
Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as âextra-dimensionalâ, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as âmagic wielding hell-beastsâ, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally.
Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (âNOT the Fitz-Simmonâs chihuahua, I donât care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!â), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark itâs best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. Theyâre somewhat similar to fireflies, and donât always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldnât be as much of a problem if they didnât dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.)
While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through âthat wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?â. Still, the courtesies must be observed.)
So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzoâs tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy.
When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open.
A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps.
âGACK!â
âNEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?â
âGAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, thatâs a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!â
âI BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.â
âGood grief, I didnât know they came this big andâŚ..andâŚ.. Guy?â
âYES NEIGHBOR STEVE?â
âIs he supposed to beâŚ..skinless?â
âYES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.â
ââŚâŚ.laPDOG?!â
âYES NEIGHBOR STEVE.â Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. âHE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.â
ââŚâŚâ
âTHE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.â
A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower andâŚ.. winces.
âNEIGHBOR STEVE?â
âYeah- Iâm right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?â
âI APPEAR TO HAVE ANâŚ. ATTACHMENT.â
Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didnât know that Antler Guyâs fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten.
Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (âAww câmon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?â), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (âNEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.â)
This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash
OMIGOSH Iâm in love.
I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS
This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.
We need more of Antler Guy and Neighbour Steve
So one day Son comes home from school and goes straight to his room without speaking. Hell Wife and Sharon confer over tea and scones, and itâs revealed that Timmy is also shut away in his room.
Neither mother can get a word out of the boys, and after a quick word with Steve (who is busy trying to train Clifford to stop slobbering on his shoes), the mothers go to Antler Guy for advise, since he has a good relationship with both boys.
Antler Guy listens attentively to the women. âI WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS. THE TWO OF YOU SHOULD ATTEND YOUR BOOK CLUB.â
Sharon is dubious, but Hell Wife assures her that Antler will fix things.
When the women are gone, Antler Guy waves his long, spindly fingers, and the two boys appear before him. Both look sullen and teary eyed. Antler Guy observes them silently. âThey pushed Timmy,â Son explains in a small voice. âI told them to leave him alone but⌠They called meâŚâ Antler waits silently. âFreak,â Timmy supplies in a whisper. Antler Guy looks between the two boys, then lifts one in each vine-writhed arm.
He takes the two boys to the ether, showing them various hellish sights including a homunculous type creature that has a cold and sprays acid every time it sneezes, a cat thatâs twice the height of Antler and picks Timmy up by the neck like a kitten.
Both boys have a great time and return home in high spirits. Steve goes out into the garden to find out what happened. (Heâs been defeated by Clifford and decides heâll just get new shows and hide them).
âI MUST LEAVE FOR AN HOUR OR TWO,â Antler Guy tell Steve after a brief explanation.
Steve looks puzzled. âItâs getting pretty late, Guy,â he points out.
Antler Guy merely inclines his head and stalks into the night in long, surprisingly graceful strides.
The next day, Steve listens to Timmy babbling about how the boys who had been mean to him and Son the previous day had left them alone. Timmy stops and looks baffled. âActually, any time we looked at them they ran away.â
Steve has suspicions of where Antler Guy had gone on his late night stroll.
(Ohmigosh, someone added, Iâm so excited! :D)
Time passes, as time does (which for Earth is generally somewhat faster than The Dimension That Smells Of Shrimp, and slower That One Wibbley Place With Murderous Flying Potato Crisps- Timmy was allowed to select human-dialect names, and Antler Guy refuses to change them. He says they are far more pleasant than the terms he used to use.)
Fluffy remains on the small side. This in no way impedes her rule of the neighborhood. In order of preference, her resting places include the top of Antler Guyâs head, Hellwifeâs ample lap, and wherever else she damn well pleases. (The deathshade vines have a healthy respect for her, all of Cliffordâs six-foot-plus frame is terrified of her, and she actively conspires with Aubergine. The prior pets of Steve and Sharon, Mr. Paws- a mild mannered netutered tom of advanced years- and Puggles- his nearly as elderly pug cohort- are ignored with royal disdain. Which suits them fine, theyâd much rather be made much of by Aubergine, and relax in the gentle, soothing warmth of Cliffordâs flames.)
Within short order, her routine is established. The neighborhood, and neighbors, know better than to mess with the White Puffball of Doom (one of Timmyâs better efforts) on her daily patrols. In return, her rule is moderately benevolent.
So when she goes missing, literally no one has any idea where she has gone.
It starts with Antler Guy striding through the neighborhood, making a peculiar call somewhat akin to a humpback whale with a headcold. When that produces no results, he starts asking. Very earnestly. Very. Earnestly. He even folds himself up enough to take tea with Mrs. Giotto, the resident cat lady. He emerges with a delightful recipe for snickerdoodles, but no information.
Steve knows something is wrong when he starts getting texts at work. By the end of shift, heâs inundated with calls, texts, voicemails, and a singing telegram sent by one particularly frazzled neighbor, whose message was only âHELP.â His boss is not pleased.
He almost expects it when Antler Guy materializes as soon as he shuts his car door. He still almost craps himself.
âHi Guy, whatâs up-â
âFLUFFY. FLUFFY IS MISSING.â
âReally? Have you tried looking in Mr. Manz-â
âYES. TWICE.â
âOh, ok, well, letâs try-â
âNeIGhbor SteVE!â
âHellwife?â
âFLuffY Is MissINg!â
âWell yes, Guy just told me-â
âSTEVE!â
âSharon?!â
They decide to move the confabulation into Sharonâs kitchen. (A quick phone call to Beatrice assures that a) the sleepover of the Triad is going smoothly, b) the news of Fluffyâs disappearance hasnât made it there yet, and c) it wonât until further news is secured.) Sharon has called on her information network to no avail, Hellwife has questioned every plant in a five block radius, and Antler Guy is distraught. Apparently he cannot feel Fluffy, which means she is either dead or out of his range. (âAND SHE WOULD NOT BE SO UNCARING AS TO NOT RETURN HOME IF DEAD, SHE IS A VERY LOVING MAMMAL.â)
Steve is quiet. Steve is thinking. SteveâŚ.has an idea.
âGuy?â
âYES?â
âExactly what constitutes your range?â
âALL OF THE ENVIRONS OF HELL, NEIGHBOR STEVE.â
âSoâŚâŚwhen we run out of flamingos, right?â
Clifford is supplied with a squeaky sorta-looks-like-a-mouse-donât-ask-so-many-questions toy belonging to Fluffy. The direction he doesnât want to go is the way they head. They decide that cramming Antler Guy into Steveâs Prius would be unhelpful, sunroof or not, so up on Antler Guyâs shoulders Steve goes. (Steve has always wanted to try it, in his heart of hearts. Its everything Timmy described and more.)
They set out, following the cringing hellhound. Even cringing and following the scent of the Feared Fluffy Thing, Clifford has some speed. (It helps that both Steve and Sharon explained the situation, via Aubergine.) In the space of perhaps an hour and a half, they hit the end of Antler Guyâs range.
Literally. If Steve hadnât had a deathgrip on Antler Guyâs hornâs heâd have gone flying.
âNEIGHBOR STEVE, I CAN GO NO FARTHER.â
âUgh, kinda got that GuyâŚ.â
Steve slithers off and looks at Antler Guy. Heâs pushing at the air like thereâs a forcefield. (There isnât. Steve checks, just to be safe.) So, after a short conversation with Clifford, Antler Guy waits next to the last flamingo as Steve rides his big, red, skinless flaming dog onwards. (Steve had wanted to try this since he first read the Clifford books.) (Well, something close to it anyway.)
It is a measure of the surrealness of his day to day life that he isnât surprised by the gate guarded by gun-toting gentlemen. Nor by the flurry of activity he and his dog raise by jumping it. A short, balding fellow in a Very Important Labcoat comes out of the concrete building and gives shrill orders to âapprehend that vile extra-planar sympathizer and his hideous creatureâ. As Clifford starts drooling green flames as he snarls, no one seems particularly interested in following his orders.
Luckily, a man riding a walking nightmare and then a hellhound garners attention. Specifically, a shitton to social media attention (and no few memes). And the government, unsurprisingly, monitors the areas inhabited by its extra-planar citizens very closely. So before the standoff gets beyond the tense stage and into the itchy trigger finger stage, a swarm of black SUVâs hit the scene.
Steve sits serene upon his noble steed as the wave of black suits descend. In record time the labcoat is escorted away, the guards are pacified, and an ominously growling cat carrier is presented to Steve. Clifford lets out a tremulous âBOOF?â, to which the carrier âMrowls?â. Steve opens the carrier (the guards, as one, flinch- some of their compatriots are still in medical from trying to get the damn thing IN the carrier), and Fluffy walks out, dignified as the queen she is. She kneads Cliffordâs head (without claws, for once), and settles in.
They make a strange parade returning, the dog and the biggest, shiniest, and most ominous of the SUVâs. (Strangely, all pictures taken of the cavalcade go mysteriously missing.) Antler Guy doesnât care- as soon as heâs in range, Fluffy jumps to his head and purrs ferociously.
When the suits try to talk to him, he brushes them off, preferring to murmur in hair-raising tongues to his cat, who is still purring fit to split and is trying to groom his antlers. Steve sighs.
âWhat do you guys need? Theyâll be busy for a while.â
âWell Mr. Anderson, we would like to offer our condolences at this unfortunate occurrence, and tender our assurances that it will never happen again.â
âUh-huh.â
âWe would also like to ascertain MrâŚâŚ?â
âAntler Guy Abomination.â
ââŚâŚBeg pardon?â
âAntler Guy Abomination. Thatâs what my son named him.â
ââŚâŚâ
âTechnically he named him Antler Guy when he first saw him.â
ââŚâŚâŚâŚ..â
âAbomination came later, when Son needed a name for that standardized testing stuff.â
ââŚ..your son attends school with his offspring?â
âYep. Theyâre at a sleepover right now. Sharonâs probably baking brownies with Hellwife. Theyâre both stress bakers.â
The suits have a whispered conference. Two short phone calls later, the suit with the shiniest pair of sunglasses has an offer for Steve.
Steveâs official title is Extra-Planar Liaison. Sharon calls it Neighbor Herding. Steve doesnât care about the title. He gets twice his previous salary plus full benefits to ensure the smoothness of Antler Guyâs âintegration in the fabric of human societyâ, which means all the things he was doing, plus field trips into other planes of reality. (Fluffy is fond of the gigantic mother cat; Clifford tries to eat the homunculiâs acid snot and regrets it immediately).
I didnât know I needed this in my life.
Now the thing about being an official Liaison for the Government is that you have to do monthly reports. Most of Steveâs reports are quite colourful, and sometimes quite unnerving to write, as they require a quite creepy amount of details, but Steve draws the line at what happens in his neighbours bedroom and what goes on between their offspring.
Still, every month Hellwife makes him a nice suit with the silk she produces (because Clifford keeps ruining them) and he goes to a meeting where he has to seat through hours of questions and examination. Those are boring as hell, and the chairman is a pain, always treating him with obvious disdain and a tinsey-winsey bit of full blown bigotry. This severe man staring at him from the other side of the interrogators-filled room, hidden behind a little bonsaĂŻ as pale and lanky as he is. Itâd be fine if most of the people out of the Neighborhood who Know about his job didnât treat him that way.
This made Steve quite depressed indeed.
And one day, as he comes home with a face so long you could wrap the whole Empire State Building in it, Antler Guy calls him out on it.
âARE YOU QUITE ALRIGHT NEIGHBOR STEVE?â
âOh. Guy. No, Iâm not.â
Antler Guy extends his claws and taps Steve lightly on the shoulder.
âWOULD IT HELP TO EXPRESS WHAT IS WRONG?â
âNo⌠Well⌠Not that you could do anything about it anyway.â
âONE CAN TRY.â
And he would sigh.
âOne sure can⌠Well, this new Liaison job I got? I hate it. Sure itâs fun to travel dimensions with you and all that, but whenever Iâm out of our little, say âhell-comfort zone, I feel everyone staring daggers at me, like Iâm some kind of hellspawn, no offense.â
âNONE TAKEN. WELL, WOULD IT HELP IF SOMEONE CAME WITH YOU, NEIGHBOR STEVE?â
And Steve would sigh again.
âIt sure would, but Iâm forbidden from bringing anyone to the office.â
âWHAT ABOUT CLIFFORD? YOU COULD ARGUE THAT IT IS NOT LEGALLYÂ âONEâ SINCE IT IS NOT A PERSON IN LEGAL TERMS AND ADD THAT ITâD HELP YOUR DEMONSTRATIONS.â
âNice try buddy, but no, animals are forbidden.â
And they would both sigh, which in Antler Guyâs case sounds strangely like the long drawn out cries for help of tormented souls. But suddenly, Antler Guy raises his head and asks:
âANIMALS⌠YES⌠BUT WHAT ABOUT PLANTS?â
And that is how Aubergine went to the Pentagon. Since Antler Guy couldnât go, they brought along his lawyer friend from the Homeownerâs Association on the first day in order to explain how it was perfectly legal, and authorised. Surprisingly, it went pretty well, save for the fact that some people got attached to Aubergine and now Steve has to get her to quit smoking, and also that one embarrassing time she ate the chairmanâs bonsaĂŻ for âlooking at her funnyâ.
âIf you say youâre a vampire, you get a free small soda at the moviesâ
Still my favourite Milhouse quote lol

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Simpsons Treehouse Of Horror by Matthew Therrien
Mmm... brains