Beauty for Ashes

One time, my friend broke his leg. I asked if I could pray for it, believing that he could be healed in a moment. Nothing happened. He used crutches for the next 2 months before he could properly walk.

One time, a younger sister was laying sick in bed, overwhelmed by her health and how she’d get through her crazy schedule the next day. I asked if I could pray for her. Immediately after praying, she began to weep because her migraine disappeared, her stomach ache left, and she could finally breathe through her nose.

One time, I sat at a restaurant and I kept hearing the name “Amanda” in my heart. I didn’t know what to do. Shortly after, our waitress came to the table so I asked her if her name was Amanda. She laughed and said no. I continued to eat my meal and never found out who Amanda was.

One time, a friend of a friend kept popping up in my mind. I had no context with him, so I asked the Lord to give me a few words for him. I randomly sent him a Facebook message to share a few things. He read it but never said anything, so I figured it was all balogne. Hehe, whoops. I’d share with others this story to illustrate how it’s okay to take a shot, even if you don’t get it right. We’d laugh about it. A few months later, I received a message from him saying how every word resonated with him. He just forgot to respond until a word that was given was confirmed.

One time, my friend’s mother had cancer. I went over with a guitar. We worshipped and sang and believed for healing that, at this point, could only come from the Healer. It’s been a little over a year since her mother passed away. I miss her so much.

One time, I was walking to class when the Lord highlighted something about a classmate. The next day, I saw him sitting in the Graduate Lobby alone, so I asked if I could share a few cool things with him. His eyes lit up - and I think his spirit did, too. That was so fun to see.

Case in point: Sometimes you get it right. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes miracles happen. Sometimes they don’t. But all the time, give it a shot. In the kingdom, failure doesn’t disqualify you, it promotes you. Don’t aim for accuracy, aim for obedience. Don’t fear failure, fear the One who will never fail you. I’m learning that failure is not when I get a prophetic word wrong. Failure is when I have an opportunity to speak words of life and love, but I withhold it because I was not willing to lose my life. It is self-preservation, not risk, that will lead us to real failure: failure to see the kingdom released on Earth.

At this point, every disciple was celebrating the resurrection of Jesus – everyone but one. While the days to follow would be celebratory for everyone, the next eight days would be brutal for Thomas.

It wasn’t that all the disciples had incredible faith and believed without seeing, while Thomas was the only one who defiantly requested to see before he believed. In fact, all the disciples were cowards. They were hiding behind locked doors, consumed by unbelief and fear, when all of a sudden Jesus appears to them and shows them His hands and His side. The disciples got to see Jesus and because of His appearance, they believed again. Unfortunately, Thomas just so happened to be absent at that moment. He missed the appointment to see like the rest of his friends. He didn’t get to encounter the resurrected King. The other 10 got to lay eyes on Jesus’ nail pierced hands and scarred side, but Thomas would return only to find out that he missed his chance. It was then that Thomas would utter the famous words, “Unless I see in His hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into His side, I will never believe.”

So why does Thomas get stuck with the bad rep when all the other disciples were no different? They just happened to be in the right place at the right time. And they all believed because they saw the very two things Thomas asked to see. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised that the reason for Thomas’ specific request was because those two things were the very things he heard the disciples rave about. Thomas simply wanted the experience that the other 10 had so that he could believe, too. I guess I don’t see what’s so wrong with that…

I can only imagine how hopeless Thomas was during these next eight days. Everyone had their testimony. Everyone moved on from despair. Everyone had entered a new glorious season simply because they saw. But Thomas was still stuck, a victim of his unfortunate circumstance. He missed his moment. If only he had been there, he would believe. If only he saw what they saw, he wouldn’t have his doubts. But maybe that’s it. Maybe Thomas wasn’t any different than the other disciples who got to see Jesus. But also, maybe Thomas could’ve been different. Maybe the story could’ve taken a different turn had Thomas believed without seeing. Maybe he would’ve gone down in history as the disciple who believed instead of the disciple who doubted had he not put a condition on his faith.

There are moments when we’re given the opportunity to demonstrate (or not demonstrate) an incredible level of faith that generations after us will see. Moments where our hope is in a pit, but Heaven puts our faith on a stage. After eight days, Jesus meets Thomas and fulfills Thomas’ request. Jesus never condemns or shames Thomas for his unbelief, but He does mention those who believe but do not see will be blessed. I think Jesus was intentional in appearing to the disciples when Thomas was missing. I don’t think He showed up and thought, “Whoops, the whole crew isn’t here? My bad…” Part of me thinks Jesus loved Thomas and wanted so much to bless him and to set him apart, so He waited eight days to give Thomas the opportunity to demonstrate faith and leave a legacy. But Thomas doesn’t. Instead of joining others in victory, Thomas quickly became a victim of his circumstance. He focused on what everyone else got to experience and what he didn’t. He wanted their story instead of realizing the beauty of his own, which eventually gave him his title Doubting Thomas.

It’s funny that God wants to speak, all the time, through any means. Even during a bachelorette party. In Vancouver. At a bar. With a few drinks. Haha, I’ve never been much of a drinker. My college years never consisted of partying, alcohol or hangovers. And I can’t even say I’ve ever been drunk or on my way to it. I love a good beer once in awhile, but only a few sips because it makes me feel super bloated. I guess coffee shops and libraries have always been my preferred scene.

As many do at bachelorette parties, we spent the evenings going from one restaurant to another, one bar to another, one club to the next, making sure we all had at least one or two drinks at every stop. As someone who doesn’t drink, I was convinced I’d be the first one to feel crazy. Quite the contrary, I made it through the evening completely unfazed. At the end of the night, one girl said to me, “How in the world are you completely normal right now?!”

In that moment, I realized how much I’ve mastered control over my feelings and emotions, as well as my ability to project myself in a way that I’ve deemed most beneficial to the situation. It’s almost terrifying how much willpower I have to ignore how I’m feeling in order to behave in a way that I feel is most helpful to those around me. It frightened me to think that the most tangible way that helps people lose control had absolutely no affect on me whatsoever. It wasn’t that I couldn’t feel the alcohol. Haha, I definitely did. But it was so natural for me to disregard the affects of what I was feeling because I felt a bigger need to be in control. So I made an intentional and logical decision to remain calm because I could, and I scared myself at how extremely good I was at it.

It finally made sense to me why growing up, I’d hear things like, “You’re so put together,” or “Your life is perfect.” For so long, it totally confused me because I never felt like life was a walk in the park. But when people described my life, I was always frolicking in a field of sunflowers. I realize how easy it may be for someone to think that when I oftentimes disregard how I’m feeling because of my willpower to accomplish something. It’s a formula in which people can’t see the process, only the finished product. But my intention was never to hide how I’m feeling. My motive has always been to do what I need to in order to get something done, which (many times) meant not making decisions based on how I feel. Feelings are so fickle. Taking 5 minutes to express how I feel seemed counterproductive to me, especially when I knew it was temporary. So I think somewhere along the way, expressing my feelings just became an option that I left on a shelf somewhere to collect dust.

In many ways, this has been my greatest strength because how I feel and what I’m going through have never caused my belief in who God is to waver. Bad season and circumstances have never led me to question the truth that God is good, which has fortunately kept me from bidding my faith adieu. Likewise, hurtful experiences and poor decisions by others have never led me to question the goodness in someone because I refuse to let how I feel dictate what I’ve come to know about an individual’s potential.

But I know that it has also been my biggest weakness in building intimacy with people because of how unnatural it is for me to express an emotion that I’ve categorized as “not beneficial” to the larger picture. It’s not that I don’t feel hurt or angry or sad; it’s just that I made a decision a long time ago that expressing these feelings is not helpful. So it’s likely I will always give the most appropriate response I can because if I love someone, I want to help him or her arrive at an answer, not contribute to the problem. And I’m realizing that this is the problem with my thinking: Relationships are less about getting something done and more about simply being. It sounds so obvious, but being extremely purpose driven, it’s taken me some time to understand this fully. I’m realizing that my inability to let myself just be has drawn a line to being known fully, embraced and loved regardless.

Come out of sadness From wherever you’ve been Come broken hearted Let rescue begin Come find your mercy Oh sinner come kneel Earth has no sorrow That heaven can’t heal Earth has no sorrow That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens Lay down your shame All who are broken Lift up your face Oh wanderer come home You’re not too far So lay down your hurt Lay down your heart Come as you are