I'm still facing the world

Amputation (1968)

Fantasize about me, I want to consume all your thoughts…I need to be your ultimate fantasy…let me be your inspiration..your muse

Just..Love me

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat 

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me 

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it 

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma 

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive 

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

Staring at the stars.

Your hand over my mouth telling me its alright.

It's just you.

Could anyone hear me begging you to stop?

Will they call for help?

Do they know what's going on?

Will I be saved?

Bold if you experienced it, italicize if you’re not sure. If you read a line and it rings true for you, but you think ‘that’s my fault because I never said anything’, bold that line! This is about your experience, not blame assignment. (tw for painful content ahead)

Physical neglect

I couldn’t count on having clean and decent appropriate clothing every day.

I couldn’t count on having decent meals every day

It was my responsibility to make food/assure there’s clothing even at a very young age, or there would be none

I couldn’t count on being taken to a doctor when I needed it

I was not receiving proper vaccinations/medications as a child

I was not taken care of for my injuries, flu’s, fevers, or health issues

I was left alone and ignored when sick

I felt guilty, ashamed and/or scared when sick

Nobody noticed if I was injured, sick, or scared of something that was happening to my body

It was safer for me to keep my sickness/injuries/medical fears to myself

I felt it would bother everyone, or make everyone mad with me if I admitted to being sick, hurt, or scared about my well being

I had to take care of other kids as a child, so my physical well being felt like an afterthought, it was something I was supposed to take care of myself

If I was taken care of physically, it was used as a blackmail later, I would be required to allow myself to be controlled as a return ‘favour’

My medical issues were neglected to the point where they turned into long-term issues later

Emotional neglect

I haven’t felt it was safe or welcome to open up to my parents or caretakers as a child

I was not encouraged or supported in expressing my emotions or experiences

I was not encouraged to speak about my passions, desires, or what I wanted from life

I was repeatedly attacked, shamed, ridiculed or manipulated with any private information I would share, forcing me to learn to hide

I was not welcome to speak unless I was somehow entertaining or giving out vital info

It was communicated to me in subtle or direct ways that it doesn’t matter what I want or need, and that nobody cares

I was shamed and accused for wanting/needing attention

I was not receiving supportive or warm physical attention as a child (encouraging pats at the shoulder, affectionate hugs, being stroked in approving/affectionate way)

I felt uncomfortable receiving physical attention from my parents as a child because it communicated ownership and non-consensual enforcement, rather than approval and pride

I felt completely alone in any hardship and pain as a child, and knew nobody would stand by my side

I didn’t feel safe asking for help, explanations, reassurance, comfort, physical attention or to be listened to

I felt like a burden if I wanted for someone to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay

I was never comforted or reassured after crying or having a breakdown

I would get ignored, laughed at, humiliated or punished for crying, breaking down, or exploding in rage

I was taught that what I feel is irrelevant, and I would do better to stop expressing it

I was taught that expressing any painful emotion would get me nowhere, and it was better/safer to hide it

I spend hours crying or breaking down in pain/terror/stress/anxiety/catastrophizing alone with no comfort and nobody who cared or wanted to hear what I was going thru

I was to take the role of comforting and emotionally caretaking for my parents, or other children

Psychological neglect

My parents didn’t notice I was depressed/anxious/psychologically unwell

My parents failed to provide me with a diagnosis for adhd, autism, or similar struggle, and I had to live and deal with it all on my own

My parents failed to believe me I was mentally ill or struggling with any kind of disability or trauma, leaving me to endure it all on my own

My fears about my value, or my future, were only intensified by my parents behaviour; I never felt reassured and secure in my current living conditions, and even less my future ones

My parents failed to acknowledge my sexuality, gender, world view, and pretended it wasn’t there

My parents failed to notice I was self-harming

My parents failed to notice I was engaging in other self-destructive activities that could have, or did, cause long term damage to my life

My parents failed to notice or do anything about changes in my behaviour that signalled trauma (becoming aggressive, clingy, dissociated, numb, closed up, bed-wetting, nightmares)

My parents failed to notice I was missing school

My parents failed to notice I was failling into addictions

My parents failed to notice I was suicidal

My parents failed to notice my suicide attempts

Lack of protection

I was unsupervised for long periods of time as a small child

I was exposed to physical danger as a child without my parents noticing or reacting to it

I was exposed to physical danger and physical violence, by my parents

I was exposed to pedophiles and child predators as a child and was never warned, protected or removed from their influence

I was introduced to pedophiles and child predators by my family members

I was never given protection from bullies, or any unfair treatment during my education

I was never given support or comfort after being hurt by a stranger or a peer

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by another child, and nobody noticed

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by a sibling/neighbour/relative/teacher/peer, and nobody noticed/nobody stood by my side or tried to protect me

I was groomed by a predator (who could even be a family member) and nobody protected me or stopped it from happening

I was exposed to and groomed by a cult, and nobody seemed to notice, care, or help me get out of it

I was not given the knowledge to recognize a sexual assault on me, or grooming or any other predatory behaviour from strangers or other adults

I never felt protected from any outside danger, or felt like I was worth protecting; instead I was taught to feel guilty and ashamed for getting hurt at all