death is not an exit

i've been listening to Alec's songs ever since 2019 and I like to brag about it. I've seen him in 2023 as well, but this concert was different.

I've been on my meds for almost 4 months now and there is such a huge difference in my life. i don't know how it all happened, but the worst things - being in a shitty relationship & deciding to end it, losing my job, losing my apartment and getting the ocd diagnosis - changed everything for the better.

i was standing there, enjoying myself, dancing around, singing songs not really feeling any anxiety. it felt like a place i belong to.

although i almost started crying when paper crown started playing.

last time i saw Alec, i had to buy vip tickets because i couldn't stand the thought of being crammed in the crowd. i clearly remember that the last song he played was paper crown and only a couple of us sang it.

that was a moment that changed loads of things in me. i stood up and started singing as loudly as i could hoping that Alec might hear that there are people who know his demos and have loved him for such a long time, supporting everything he does. and even though i didn't realise, that moment changed me for forever.

ever since that song, i've been choosing myself, standing up not only when i saw that others needed my support and love but when i myself were in need. it was a subtle change, it didn't happen overnight.

"and there’s no one to love you when you build your walls too high"