Tiger Mask Dan's Blog

Last night’s Survivor Series was a pretty great show.  From top to bottom, competitive and compelling matches with generally clean but close outcomes made for an incredible enjoyable night of wrestling.  

Hats off in particular to the four teams from the tag division for showing up and putting on some incredible wrestling.  I’m hard pressed to think of a better time for tag wrestling in WWE since the Hardy/Dudley/E&C days.  Great teams that work as a unit doing new and inventive spots, the finish to Usos vs the Bar was brilliant.

What I also found remarkable was that, for the most part, the people I was rooting for as a fan all lost, but I still enjoyed the show.  I was pulling for New Day, Bliss, Miz and AJ, as well as SmackDown on the whole, and they all lost, but I still was entertained! Imagine that!

BUT…there was also a main event, which brings me to:

Dickbag of the Pay-Per-View:

Hunter. Hearst. The Worst. Helmsley.  When are you going to go away? When? Never? Aren’t your muscles just one small non-contact injury away from all ripping off your bones under the strain?  You’re the wrestling equivalent to that Dad that wants to tell you he can play a song on guitar that you play on Guitar Hero.  NO ONE GIVES A SHIT! Go away, we’re just trying to have fun.

The Survivor Series team building started off alright.  Sure we had the old guy GMs at the helm, but they were surrounded by “young” (I mean, Roode’s 40) talent.  Then all the sudden, the roster from WWE Day of Reckoning decides to pop in and take over the team.  

I get why they did it too.  Look at TLC.  Nobody gave a shit, then suddenly they added Kurt Angle and we all ate it up.  I ate it up.   I still popped tonight when Kurt’s music hit!  I love that potato of a man!  Then Triple H started doing scattered tour dates and people ate it up!  Hardy’s at Wrestlemania got the biggest return pop I’ve ever heard!  So this being WWE they decided “GUESS EVERYONE LIKES OLD GUYS, BETTER BRING ‘EM ALL BACK!”

It went about as you’d expected.  The young guys we quickly disposed of.  Even John Cena was in and out in like 5 minutes.  From then on it was the Triple H show for the last 15 minutes.

Lately I’ve read a lot of younger fans say things like, “He was great against guys like Jeff Hardy, and started nXt!” I’ve heard older fans say things like “He was awesome in the Attitude Era, I’d love to see that again!”

WE STRAP ON IN FUCKERS, BECAUSE I’M FROM THE ERA OF FUCK THIS GUY!

You think the Authority was onerous?  Try the Goddamned Reign of Terror.  Raw was such a fucking chore to watch.  Just Triple H burying contender after contender.  Every week started with a 30 minute Evolution segment where he just shat on his opponent.  Kane, Booker T, Scott Steiner, RVD, Jericho, all fucking neutered by Triple H.  Even guys who got over on him like Goldberg or Randy Orton eventually got shat on and Triple H got his belt back.  Benoit was really the only one to get over him until Batista finally ended the Reign of Terror, and even then, Benoit was beat by Orton who was beat by….Triple H.

“Tiger Dan, you loathsome canteen of whale puss, that was a long time ago.  He’s put tons of guys over since!”

Well ox-felator, can I call you ox-felator? Yes ox-felator.  Here’s the thing about Triple H: he never goes away.  Even when he puts guys over, it’s all about him. No matter what angle he’s in, he becomes the center of attention.  He’s the one out making the big promos.  Getting the upper hand in the build.  Basically after all his Attitude Era peers left, he stopped sharing the spotlight with anyone that wasn’t Shawn Michaels.

The main event was the most Triple H-est thing that ever happened.  He wasn’t in the build at all.  He was the only one on his team not wearing a RAW shirt (opting, of course, to wear a special made red Triple H shirt).  He had his cute little moments with the nXt guys, and then BOOM!  The people that you want to see wrestle were all gone.  Nak, Roode, Joe, Balor, gone.  The only full timers left were Braun, and Randy “Please become a Part-Time” Orton.

And from then on, it was a slow confusing finish that was all about Triple H.  Sure Braun got do to the “send them home happy” power-slams, but did Braun really need it?  And wouldn’t him being the sole survivor been even better? Did Triple H need to even be in this match to set up his and Angle’s Wrestlemania match?  Why?

Because it’s always about Triple H.

Prediction time!  I’ve never actually done one of these.  Usually I just write about what I think sucks or some other hot button issue, and man have dem buttons been SPICY lately.  We go titles changing left and right.  People going down sick, people getting fired and old folks getting a sixth or seventh run at glory! However, it would be remiss of me if I did not discuss the end of all our suffering.

I know I’m being a bit dramatic about this, but I had begun to view Jinder’s title reign as something of a wrestling equivalent to the Trump Presidency.  It was shitty, and embarrassment and no matter what I did I was helpless to improve the situation.  Then finally, FINALLY, they pulled the trigger and A.J. was able to swoop in and instantly make the title feel important again.  It was hard not to just feel happy about the whole situation.

I would also be remiss not to mention the return of WARGAMES this weekend.   Here’s the thing, back when I was getting deep into wrestling.  Like DEEP.  Like, using Kazaa to download random matches with names I recognized, and learning about Japanese guys like Jushin Thunder Liger and Tiger Mask for the first time deep. That is how I saw my first Wargames match.  It was a good one!  The best one most people say, between Sting’s Squadron and the Dangerous Alliance.

I remember being surprised at how visceral the match was.  It really wasn’t a super complicated match; there weren’t a ton of moves.  It was one guy after the other running in and beating the shit out of the people that were already there.  You started mostly keeping track of how long it took the next guy in to get bloody.  It had that classic NWA bloodbath feel to it.  The match ended on an armbar of all things.  This was about the time that the Canadian Destroyer was coming into prominence, so it was weird to see someone go down after getting hit in the arm with a foreign object and then just getting the arm cranked till you quit.  For pro-wrestling, it was one of the more realistic displays of simulated combat that I had ever seen up to that point.

That is what makes me worried about nXt’s foray into Wargames territory.  They can’t bleed, there are three teams, and (probably the worst part actually) you can win by pinfall.  Much like contemporary Hell in a Cells, this match seems like it’s going to be decidedly less brutal than those of old.  I don’t want to be the guy that shits on the PG product, but certain matches need blood, and these big, hellacious cage bouts are those.  Even great matches like Usos vs New Day at last month’s HIAC seem a bit tame compared to Batista getting nailed with a barbed-wire wrapped chair by a blood soaked Triple H.  I don’t know if it’s going to work.  That said, there are a lot of talented vets in there, and a few HOSS destroyers, so we’ll see.

Now, moving on.  Survivor Series.  The bastard step-child of the big 4.  The ONLY TIME OF THE YEAR RAW AND SMACKDOWN FACE EACHOTHER!  Except Royal Rumble and also all those other times and when we need someone to cover for injury and whenever John Cena wants to fight someone.  BUT OTHER THAN THAT.  Seriously though, last year’s Survivor Series was one of the most fun hours in wrestling.  It was a long match with tons of story and great action.  Can this year’s match get to that height again?  Let’s run down.

Cruiserweight Champion Enzo Amore vs Kalisto – Winner: Enzo Amore I really like Kalisto.  I think he’s incredibly talented in the ring, plus he’s a Chicago guy, so I’m generally predisposed towards him.  That said, he’s pretty much the worst on the mic.  Don’t get me wrong, Rey was not exactly Stone Cold either, but he managed to string together some solid babyface promos in his day.  Enzo’s annoying, and not the best worker, but I’ll say this, he doesn’t make me want to turn the channel, and that makes him an effective heel.  Plus you have Cedric Alexander, Rich Swann, TJP, Mustafa Ali, Tozawa and others ready to go as viable babyface challengers, and plenty of heels like Kendrick or Galagher for Kalisto to work on.  Unless they plan on stringing this feud along, I’m gonna guess that this is gonna end in a pretty decisive victory for Enzo.

Intercontinental Champion the Miz vs United States Champion Baron Corbin – Winner: Miz Everywhere I read people are telling me about Baron Corbin’s great potential and look.  Here’s the thing, I don’t fucking see it.  I just don’t.  Aside from two bomb-ass moves what else does he have?  His indie-killer gimmick back in nXt was pretty cool, but the thing is, he hasn’t shown he’s good enough to throw any solid wins his way.  As for his “great look,” he looks like the human embodiment of the graphic tee section at Walmart.  His hair is terrible.  He doesn’t look particularly imposing past his height.

And the thing that sucks the most about him is that he’s one of those dicks that would read that critique and just go, “but what can YOU do in the ring, pussy!”  Nothing.  I can do nothing. I’ve never claimed I could do anything.  I am a mark. It is not my job to be a professional wrestler. Comparing yourself to me accomplishes nothing and makes you look like a douchebag. It is your job to entertain me in some fashion, whether it be you make me hate you or love you.  Right now, your matches are what I skip past to save time.

Miz on the other hand has basically be Edge for the past two years, and has been great.  His Twitter owning of Corbin in this feud has been phenomenal.  If there is any justice in the world, next time they do a draft or shake up or whatever, these shows will trade titles and Miz will be put in a long ass feud with AJ.

I see Miz winning via shinanigans.  Miztourage, or, given the social media juice behind this feud, Maryse will get involved.

Raw Tag Team Champions the Bar vs SmackDown Tag Team Champions the Usos – Winner: The Bar.

With the big Shield vs. New Day match on the card, I feel like people are sleeping on this one.  They really shouldn’t as these two teams have been in some of the most exciting matches this year.  It’s amazing how many pay-per-views this year that could be summed up with “it was pretty shitty, but the tag match was really good.”  These two teams were often in those matches! Also, it’s a great styles clash!  Speedy Usos vs the powerhouse Bar!  They’re both heels, but the Usos have gotten enough rub from their “mutual respect” thing from the New Day that they could easily play the face in peril for this match.

For me, this is the biggest toss up to pick.  On the one hand, the Usos are the more experienced team, and just beat the New Day, so you might want to keep the momentum going.  That said, they’re also the team that could better survive the loss.  The Bar just won their belts in dirty fashion, and don’t have the tag team pedigree that the Usos have.  For that reason I have to go with the Bar.

Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs SmackDown Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair – Winner: Charlotte Flair

I wonder how they’re going to do this match.  It’s always hard when a smaller heel goes against a more physically imposing babyface.  Plus, Bliss’s muscle is already booked in the Women’s Survivor Series match, so she probably won’t get involved.  For that reason I’m going to go with Flair.  Plus Bliss has been a great chicken shit heel, so I think she can survive the loss and still be an imposing threat when she gets Nia back.

The Shield vs. The New Day – Winner: The New Day.

This is probably my biggest stretch on a pick.  The Shield have been built as the most powerful force in wrestling.  All three have been world champs, two of them multiple times.  They’ve been at the top of the card since they split. That said, New Day have been a team longer.  You can tell a story where they just know each other better.  Their offense flows together.  You can plant seeds of frustration in the Shield that won’t be there with the New Day.  

Plus the New Day, though faces, cheat, ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  They’ve got that Eddie Guerrero kind of immunity where they can cheat and get cheered because it’s funny as hell.  I see them cheating here and winning the match…..plusIstoppedwatchingwrestlingforthechunkoftimethattheShieldgotbigandneverreallygotattachedtothemsoIdontreallylikethembuthavealwaysenjoyedKofi#Kofi4WWEChamp…BUT I DIGRESS.

Universal Champion Brock Lesnar vs. WWE Champion A.J. Styles – Winner: Brock Lesnar

Man, look at how crazy a week can change things.  AJ managed to beat the most protected finisher in the WWE, the Singh Brothers, to become the WWE Champion.  We all breathed a sigh of relief.  Any SmackDown pay-per-view was hampered by the fact that the main event was going to suck.  Don’t get me wrong, I still watched with the hopes that Nakamura was going to win the title, but got no enjoyment from any of the matches.

I was explaining this to my wife when she asked me “do you think that Jinder’s a worse champ than Roman Reigns? Cause everyone seems to hate him.”  If someone asked me to find 10 good Roman matches on the network, I could easily do it.  Say what you want about him being boring and slammed down our throats, but he is actually a good in ring performer.  Yeah he has some stinkers, but he also has some top notch matches under his belt.  

I’ve not seen one Jinder Mahal match I’d want to see more than once, and most of the time I wouldn’t want to see it once.  He reminds me of guys like Luther Reigns that just kind of were there and looked scary but just were flat in the ring.  He just doesn’t have the ability to put on a show.

And now we’re going to get a show!  Brock rises to the occasion against good opponents.  I’ve not been a big fan of “Suplex City” Brock, but if he wants to, he can do great things.  AJ is a great opponent for him that will bump all over the place and make him look like a monster.  They could structure this match a lot like any of the HBK vs Taker matches and it would work. Just so long as Brock wants it to go like that.

I’d love to see AJ get this win, but they’re building Brock as nigh unbeatable.  I’d also prefer a clean finish, but Jinder has been conspicuous by his absence.  I sense a run in by Jinder and the Singhs that will ultimately cost AJ the match.

Women’s Traditional Survivor Series Match – Winner: Team SmackDown It’ll be interesting to see how this match plays out.  You look at the match ups and they’re pretty great, and if there is one type of match the women’s roster has got practice at this year, it’s the elimination matches!  I think they’re going to follow the trend of past elimination matches and get the hosses out of the way early.  Look to see gangups on Tamina and Nia pretty quick.  

Everyone also expected this to be Paige’s return match.  Since that didn’t happen, but they have her around, I think they’re looking to get a surprise here.  Either she’s going to run in and help win the match for Raw, or she’s going to be Charlotte’s replacement on Team SmackDown.  I’m going with Paige replacing Charlotte, and helping them win.

Men’s Traditional Survivor Series Match – Winner: Team Raw

I don’t know about this match you guys.  Some of my favorite wrestlers of all time are in it but man…I just don’t know.  When Kurt wasn’t doing his signature spots at TLC he looked awkward.  I’ve seen some of his stuff since leaving TNA, but before coming back to WWE and while he had some good matches, they were usually his kind of matches.  He still can put on a great match, but it needs to be a particular kind of match and I don’t know if something this chaotic fits the bill.

Now, it’s a tag match, so he’ll be protected, and Team SmackDown has three guys he’s worked extensively with in the past, so who knows.  What really worries me though is the lack of storylines within the match.  Last year’s match worked so well because there were tons of moving subplots within the match.  Here, 2 of the participants were announced this week and haven’t wrestled on TV in months.  Randy has nothing going on in this match.  Shinsuke has nothing going on in this match. Roode has nothing going on in this match.  Hell, Braun doesn’t have anything going into this match.

On the Raw side you have Finn and Joe with beef, and Kurt and Triple H have their thing with Jason Jordan.  Kurt and Shane had some great stuff on Tuesday, so that’s good, but that can’t carry a 30-45 minute match.  

Don’t get me wrong, there is a ton of talent in the ring for this thing.  I am a fan of all of these guys (though I’ll never be able to forgive the Reign of Terror).  They’ll probably make something happen.

I think KO and Sami…ehem, sorry, Sami and KO are going to cost the blue team.  I don’t see how KO isn’t involved somehow given his push recently, and they need something to carry them going forward.

Match of the Night: Usos vs. The Bar

These guys have been lights out on their respective shows, and I think they have the best style match up other than maybe Brock and AJ.  The only reason I think this will be better than Brock and AJ is because I’m almost 100% certain there won’t be interference here, and I’m not 100% certain Brock won’t phone it in.

Worst Match of the Night: Miz vs. Corbin

Sucks to be a Packers fan.  Not just because you live in Green Bay, but because you’ve now lost handsome man, and general all around football machine Aaron Rodgers for the season.  

I generally like Aaron Rodgers, but I will say that his fans are at the point of his career where they’re fucking annoying.  They’re like Colts fans were when we came up with any fucking stupid excuse we could think of as to why Manning was better than Brady.  “His team around him is garbage and he still wins!” “He’s throwing to nobody!” “He has no defense!”  

God that’s so fucking stupid.  For pretty much all of Brady’s career at least one of those is true at any given time.  I don’t like Tom Brady.  He’s the same as anyone else that’s weird and successful in that they think the rest of us would be just as successful if we followed their bullshit life style.  He’s basically NFL’s Gweneth Paltrow.  That said, unregulated gun to my head, if in their prime I had to choose between Peyton Manning, a man I’ve spent most of my life rooting for; and Tom Brady, a close personal friend of Donald Trump; I would choose Brady every day and twice on Sunday.  Every Packers fan that tells you different with Aaron Rodgers is full of shit, because they’re constipated from all the cheese, but they’re also lying.

Moving on, Colts did Colts things.

Dickbag of the Week:

ALL. THE. NFL. STREAMING.  I get better service from Frontier Airlines than we do from the NFL and they’re one line item cut away from charging you for a chair.  Trump get’s better service at a Korean BBQ than we do from the NFL. 

Let me set the scene here.  Colts are on Monday Night Football, one of the few times this year that this shitpile of a team is going to make it onto a national broadcast, which means I actually get to watch it.  HOWEVER, it happened to fall on the same night as my neighborhood associations 2x a year meeting.  I know what you’re thinking, “Dan, you unctuous pit of fermented cat hair, those things are a waste of time, it’s just old people bitching about their neighbors.”

Well flesh dongle, can I call you flesh dongle? Yes, flesh dongle.  You’re right, but you’re still a flesh dongle.  Also, I should at least go to one of these things.  For all I know, I’m the guy they’re bitching about.  

I figure no big deal, I can watch ESPN, and many other channels, on my phone thanks to the millenial cable package of my parents satellite login.  I do this all the time with NBA, MLB or NHL games that are on ESPN with no problem.  HOWEVER.  As I settled in to be regaled by tales of people speeding near a school zone, I was met with this message (not literally this message, but one like it):

I switch over to the DirectTV live TV app, same shit.  The message says I can watch on a tablet, computer or connected streaming stick, but not my phone.  WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MATTER.  You mean to tell me, that if I had an iPad that had the same tittyfucking sim card that is in my phone in it, I would be allowed to watch this game?  Is there a contractual allowance on screen size?  Would too many Pagano superlatives fry my phones processor?  Why the fuck is this a rule?

Now I’m staring down the barrel of 2 hours of people bitching that the lawn care service at the neighboring development is blowing around too much weed clippings, and I’m panicking.  I’m trying to think of what I can do.  If it is SO. ASSDAMN. IMPORTANT.  That we are unable to watch the game in app, or in browser, on your phone, surely they have found a way to block you watching the game on your phone if the browser is set to desktop mode.

You know what brings my piss to a boil? Those fuckers didn’t even make it HARD to circumvent their lock out.  I just had to click a checkbox on my phone.  But since it’s in desktop mode, it doesn’t run nearly as smoothly as if it were in the app.  So rather than actually block me from watching the game, they just made it so I had a shittier viewing experience.  It’s almost worse than getting blocked. 

Young people don’t have cable anymore.  If they like a sport, they get the streaming package, and the NFL streaming package is a GODDAMNED JOKE.  

Blackout rules, generally, fucking suck and apply to everyone, so NFL gets a pass on that, but suppose you’re like me and are out of market.  You want to watch your team, no matter how rancid they are, and only your team.  For the NFL it is $200 for a fucking season.  And again, due to archaic ass blackout rules, national games aren’t included, so for the Colts, it would come in at around $15 a game to watch Doyle & Moncrief as “the Butterfinger Twins!” SOME of the time.  

Meanwhile, single team packages for NBA, MLB and NHL clock in at $120, $85 and $112 respectively.  Even with blackouts the value per game is exponentially higher.  If I’m a millenial that has no money because I built my house out of avacado toast and szechuan sauce packets, looking to maximize my entertainment dollar so I can spend the rest on Bitcoins - why would I even CONSIDER the NFL?  Shit, WWE Network is $10 a month, has thousands of hours or archived footage along with original content and ALL THE PPVs.  No wonder wrestling is having a boom period.

And they wonder why NFL ratings are down.  Even aside from the shitty streaming services, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again many many times, it’s simply hard to watch football without feeling guilty about concussions.  That’s hurting it right there.  Plus most of the league beats their wives and the league only cares if there’s tape.  That’s strike two.  Everyone is sick of teams threatening to leave if taxpayers don’t mortgage their school system to buy a stadium with more luxury boxes, that’s strike three.  

And to top it all off, I have to look at Jerry Jones-damned MAGA trolls blaming the NFL ratings slide on a bunch of players trying to use their public platform to raise awareness to something that actually matters. 

This doesn’t fit my regular format...fuck it.  I find myself, more often then not, defending Star Trek Discovery from other Star Trek fans these days.  I hear a lot of complaints about the emphasis on special effects, the general dark feel, the unnecessary retcon of both wardrobe and make up.  That said, I think that there are a lot of cool things going on.

*** SPOILERS AHEAD***

I think the war time setting is interesting.  Particularly given that this show is the first to take place on a science vessel.  Sure the Enterprise-D had lots of labs and was huge, but it’s main purpose was exploration not experimentation.  The Discovery is a new prototype built before wartime, trying to fit into a time when the Federation has to use everything it has for the war effort.

I find Captain Lorca interesting in that, we often see in Star Trek Captains and Admirals that go too far.  Captains that are strict, over-disciplined, and generally unpleasant are often foils for episodes Trek, but one has never been at the center of a series.  I hypothesize that at his core he is still someone who wants to be a science captain.  He is now at the point that he is willing to do anything to get back to that mission as fast as possible.  Or he’s just a war mongering dick, either or, he’s interesting.

Everyone seems to beat up on Saru’s character, and I don’t know why.  Yeah, he’s kind of a wimp, but if you had something in your biology constantly telling you things are dangerous, you’d probably be a bit timid too.

And finally, I hear a lot of criticism of the consistency of Michael Burnham’s character.  In the pilot, she’s incredibly emotional, even though we are told she is Vulcan like, and then later on the Discovery her Vulcanness is turned up again.  To me, this makes sense.  Burnham has spent most of her life raised by Vulcans and did her best to fit in.  Now amongst humans for what? 7 years, she’s just now trying to figure out how to follow her emotions.  She doesn’t quite know how to make both work, which is why her mutinous decision, and then retreat back to her Vulcan roots once she sees the consequences of her emotions makes sense.

Worf, the Trek character most analogous to Michael Burnham, talks about his human childhood and how he struggled being a Klingon and a human correctly.  He even accidentally killed a kid before he learned to balance it.  Burnham had had more time amongst Vulcans than Worf did with Klingons and less time with Humans than Worf did with Humans.  She’s going to be a bit out of whack, and her figuring out the balance is going to be the interesting part of her character going forward I think.

But I do have one, huge, stinking gripe about this show.

Why. THE FUCK. Is this show taking place in the past?

So much of the inconsistencies of this show are handled if you just move this show to 40 years after Nemesis or something.  Every stupid question that exists about why things are different in this show than in TOS-VOY is covered if you just move the timeline of the show.

But the Federation is at war with the Klingons in this show!!!  

Yeah so?  In Star Trek Online, the Federation is at war with the Klingons.  They just detailed a degradation of the relationship between the two parties.  Hell, the Klingons and the Federation went to war in DS9.  All it takes is another hostile takeover by some shit brained member of a “great” house and boom, Klingons are bad again.  You can even make T’Kuvma the guy who did it, and then make the albino whats his face the shit brained new high chancellor.

Why are the uniforms different? Fixed.

Why are there robots on the bridge, while Data is treated as unique later? Fixed.

Where is the spore drive in the future? Fixed.

Why are Star Wars style holo transmissions the norm? Fixed.

I mean, come on, why did they handcuff themselves to this era?  Were Sarek and Harry Mudd really worth these problems?  The inevitable cameo by Lt. Kirk make this thing all worth while?  Seriously, why?

When I started writing these things, I didn’t originally have a theme.  It was just me bitching about my fantasy football team, or the Colts.  But over time it’s evolved to include other things that I’ve been pissed off about, be it bullying or politics or pro-wrestling.  The Dick Bag has always been a bit of a loose structure for me to vent about things that bother in a humorous manner full of foul-mouthed hyperbole.

In that regard, much like how Peyton Manning could’ve won MVP every year he played (at least in Indianapolis), there are certain people that could be Dick Bag of the Week every week.  People that bother me perpetually.  Trump is the low hanging orange on that tree, but you could’ve guessed that.  People that say chipotle like “chip ‘ol tay”.  Fast food hacks.  Shit like that.

However, since the beginning of my “in-print” commenting career there has been one constant.  One man who has stuck to me and won’t go away.  He’s a sore on the bottom of your foot that never gets a chance to heal.  He is the chickenist of shits, and this week, I have a real reason to write about him:

Dickbag of the Week:

Mike. Fucking. Pence.  God I hate this human q-tip so much.  Look at that god-damned face.  That is the face he makes every time anyone mentions any policy that could be recognized as minutely progressive.  “Maybe improving low income benefits like access to phones and transportation would make it easy for people to find jobs.” That face. “You shouldn’t be fired for being gay.” That face.  “Maybe not deport people when they take their kids to the hospital.” That face. “It’s actually pronounce ‘chipot-lay’”. That face. That face is a wink to the camera to white males age 40-100 that think we don’t buy houses because we want to fuck avocados and think they know how to get around a city better than Waze. 

I’m going to say something I don’t I’ve ever said out loud, but that I don’t think is that controversial anymore.  The Republican Party is a scam.  The people at the top have one mission in life and it’s to keep theirs and other rich peoples taxes low.  Every other mission the people in charge pretend to care about: “traditional values”, “free racist speech”, “pro-choice of how automatic your gun is”, are only there to corral votes so that they can keep their taxes down.

That’s why a fucker like Mike Pence is so important.  Mike Pence is a golden goose for the GOP.  He’s a true believer in all the things I just said the GOP pretends to care about.  He lives to eat a modest slice of the cake a baker just refused to a gay person while sitting across the street from a condemned Planned Parenthood.  

“But Dan, you ignorant tepid glass of cat urine, you just said those at the top of the GOP don’t actually believe in those things, and Mike Pence is the Vice President.”

Well puss nozzle, can I call you puss nozzle? Yes, puss nozzle.  First off it’s Tiger Mask Dan when I’m in gimmick.  Second, I said people in charge of the GOP don’t believe in that stuff.  Mike Pence has no power in the GOP.  He’s the GOP middle manager.  He doesn’t make the big decisions, he just makes sure everything runs smoothly so that they can keep up their daily diet private jet trips and settling harassment lawsuits.

You need a guy like Pence if you’re one of the billionaire class trying to get middle America to vote for you.  Nobody looks at the Koch brothers and thinks they eschew strong Christian values.  But Pence does.  The Lord gives him strength to do anything other than be at a restaurant alone with a woman that’s not his wife.  He’s the guy that someone can point to and say “well Trump’s out there, but at least Pence is the adult in the room.”  Which is laughable considering he still calls his wife mother even when his kids aren’t around.

So come this weekend, our great and benevolent Vice President decided to use our tax dollars to come see the Peyton Manning celebration.  Whatever, fine.  He’s not the first, nor last Government official to use tax-payer dollars to go to a sporting event, I can deal with that.  

However, it became not cool when he left because some players kneeled for the anthem.  You know what would’ve made this farce hilarious?  What if nobody kneeled?  He was going to leave from the start.  That was obvious the second he left, but what if none of the players took a knee?  God, if only, I’d love to hear how Trump blames him for that.  You know he would.  He loves humiliating men of high stature in their communities for failures that are mostly his fault.

Anyway, if Pence had his little hissy fit walk out about disrespect for a flag that gets turned into thongs for his supporters then that’s his right.  Protests go both ways; if he’s stupidly offended because he took a protest the wrong way that’s his right.  However, when I have to foot the bill for his walk out to the tune of dog whistles, and then he uses it as a fundraiser blast to his supporters, that’s when I get pissed.

But what makes me the most pissed about this whole thing, is that in this one move Trump and Pence have successfully changed the narrative of the protest enough that Jerry Jones feels comfortable enough to threaten benching his players over doing it.  

The protest has been and always will be about Police Brutality and systematic racism towards minorities.  It has never been about disrespecting the flag or soldiers.  Like all protests, it has been about trying to draw attention to a problem in our country by making a statement in public.  NFL players have a powerful platform, and they are using it to draw attention to this national problem.  

But Pence has taken to call to improve America and re-framed it as hatred for for the country and those how serve it.

Trump does this all the time.  When everyone criticized his incredibly piss poor response to Hurricane Maria, Trump tried to re-frame criticism of him as criticism of people on the ground.  Nobody was ever criticizing the people executing his fucking frustratingly inadequate response, the were criticizing the fucking frustratingly inadequate response.  But his supporters ate that shit up, and they’ll eat this Pence shit up too with both hands.

So now Jerry Jones, the real commissioner of the NFL, has heard enough of his fans that have fallen for Trump and Pence’s phony outrage at brown people taking a knee, that he feels comfortable threatening benching players for doing it.

Now I’m just a guy out here.  I have no potential financial loss here.  That said, if you’re Dak Prescott or Dez Bryant or any of the many other crucial members of the Dallas Cowboys, call his fucking bluff.  Walk out there in the middle of the anthem and take a fucking knee.  See how he responds.  He’s the most powerful person in the league, but there are only so many people in the world that can play this game at a high enough level that people will keep watching.  

The Colts policy on the matter has been tweeted out as such:

Aside from the useless “UNITY” superlatives, I am good with this policy.  If this policy changes I’m done though.  I’ve overlooked a lot as a fan.  Transgressions of players off the field.  The various drug binges of our owner.  A league that has fought CTE connection research harder than tobacco industries have fought lung cancer connection research.  Jeff George.  But this is it.  I can’t support an organization that would look at a player and tell him, “shut up and dance monkey,” while their brothers, sisters, family and friends are getting hurt and killed without even a hope for justice.  

GUESS WHAT BITCHES.  You get a second column this week!  I’m pretty sure you won’t actually read it until you click to see next weekends football dick bag, but I don’t care!  Something really fucking stupid and terrible happened on SmackDown this week, and I’m going to discuss it!  Because I’m FUCKING HEATED.

Wrestling Dick Bag of the Week:

Jinder. Fucking. Mahal.  You’re what would happen if indifference started taking protein powder and wouldn’t shut up about maximizing your gains.  True story, I just now tried typing the sentence, “you’re like an Indian ‘______’” with like 5 different wrestlers and each time went, “Nah, that’s too harsh on ‘_____’”.  

Fun fact about Jinder Mahal, he’s the first wrestler since the inception of WWEShop.com to not have ANY merchandise for sale when he won the Championship.  His “personalized side plates” that are supposed to have his logo on them, just say “Jinder Mahal” in Papyrus font, which is the Jinder Mahal of fonts.

There are a lot, and I mean A LOT of reasons why I don’t like Jinder Mahal.  I’ve never seen him in a compelling match.  Like ever.  I’ve never been on the edge of my seat when he’s in the ring.  The only reason I watch any of his matches is just to see if he loses so that he can start his decent back down the card.  

Now, I’m not necessarily what you’d call a “moves guy.”  I enjoy seeing cool moves, but they aren’t necessary to my enjoyment of the product.  Edge is my favorite wrestler of all time, and when he was in the Main Event his move-set was not flashy at all.  That said, Jinder does no interesting moves.  He does that generic “I’m twisting your neck” rest hold, that only shitty low level heels do.  You know the one I’m talking about? The one where they twist the guys head like they’re about to snap their neck, but the guy is just sitting there with his arms and legs kind of flailing?  Everybody looks dumb doing that hold.

His finisher is one of those generic ones they give you until you come up with something cool, except Jinder hasn’t come up with anything cool.  I mean, how hard is it to flip through the “create-a-finishers” in WWE 2K17 and pick one?

When Jinder won I was shocked. Not in a surprise good way like I was when Jeff Hardy or Eddie Guerrero finally won the title.  No, I was shocked in a, “this goes against the internal logic of my brain” kind of way.  That said, I was in the “I’m going to give him a chance,” camp.  I certainly didn’t like it at the start, but I was going to give him a chance to prove it.

Since then, he’s won every single one of his WWE Championship bouts the same way, with the exact same kind of interference from his flunkies.  I was getting to the point where his time to prove himself was almost up for me, but if he managed to have a good match next PPV, maybe I’d still give him a chance.

He then took the last bit of good will I had towards him; pumped himself up so that he was extra veiny; and took a big old shit on it.

On SmackDown, Jinder gave possibly the worst segment in WWE history that didn’t involve someone recently deceased (and that’s one hell of a qualifier).  A character who’s whole character is based on xenophobia, proceeded to prove that we as fans are racist, by being SUPER FUCKING RACIST.  Because REASONS.  He went full on Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffanys on us.

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING FANS chanted “that’s too far.”  These are people that thought this was acceptable:

I mean, CHRIST.

And you might be thinking, Dan, you blusterous sack of dolphin semen, Jinder is just playing a character.  Just following a script.  HE wasn’t saying the racist things, his character was and you got mad at him.  GOOD HEEL HEAT!

Well puss-burger, can I call you puss-burger? Yes puss-burger, you’re right, but this is pro-wrestling.  The best characters are people’s real personalities turned up to 11 (with the exception of like, the Undertaker).  As such, Jinder should be somewhat protective of himself.

Stone Cold talks about how when he got to the WWE he spoke up about what he wanted his character to be and when they gave him things that went against it he fought it.  Edge and AJ Styles have talked about how sometimes you need to speak up to the office if you think something like a special match up should be protected.  If you’re WWE Champion, and the boss wants you to go full blown racist, YOU SHOULD SPEAK THE FUCK UP. 

I get that it’s Vince, and he just handed you the title in May after you had been doing the honors for Gronk in April, but still, if you are going to be at the top of the card, and feel like you should be there, then you should take the initiative and speak up when a plan is bad.  I’m just a mark, but I find it hard to believe that guys that had extended runs at the top said yes to everything.

As far as the whole “all heat is good heat,” argument, I get it.  We’re supposed to be mad, and he’s making us mad.  But I know I’m at the point where it’s not, “oh I’m mad at you heat,” it’s “I don’t want you on my TV heat,” and I can’t be the only person there.  Every time he wins I feel nothing inside.  Just a void.  It’s like I hit the snooze on caring about THE MOST IMPORTANT BELT IN ALL OF PRO WRESTLING for another PPV cycle. 

So now, I’m done.  I’ve given you your chance.  Now you’re a character that complains about racism that is a HUGE FUCKING RACIST. 

Well now, here we are.  You may be asking yourself, “Dan, you fetid hunk of beetle corpses, we aren’t even doing fantasy this year, and also, what the fuck is on your face?” To which I would respond, “Well walrus penis- can I call you walrus penis? - yes, walrus penis.”  I’m still mad, and though I don’t think I can carve out enough time to care about fantasy football, what with a baby on the way, I still have time to get pissed off about the Colts, and the fucking world in general.  I mean, Christ have you seen Earth? Fucking hell.  One night in college I decided “Rum is going to be the alcohol I drink. That’s gonna be my signature booze,” and drank a whole goddamnned bottle in one night.  The next morning I was convinced I had woken up under the wheel of a still running el Camino.  That is basically the state of Earth right now.

So why the mask? Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, this column is filthy as all shit fuck balls.  Before I didn’t give a shit cause it was just you guys reading it.  As we all know, nobody is able to actually share anything cool from our fantasy football page so it didn’t matter.  Now that it’s on the real internet I would rather my employer not see this, or people that I just casually know.  Like I’m walking down the street and some lady from my mother-in-law’s quilter group is like “that’s the evil man who’s column turned my grandson into a swearing monster.  And also made him gay.”  I don’t really know about the last part, that bitch is cray.

Now I’m Tiger Dan.  I will be referred to as such from now on here.  If we’re in person just call me Dan, unless I get famous enough to make public appearances in gimmick brother, brother. If you’re here and not from the fantasy football league, then you probably work with one of those assholes, so I won’t give you any shit because that’s punishment enough.

But that’s not why you clicked this.  No, you clicked this to get the hottest takes in the saggiest package.  You can to get your dickbag of the week.  I’mma make you wait.  

First off, lets begin with last week, which was the worst display of “football” I have ever seen in my life.  The Colts were so pathetic.  I did not expect much, but I expected something resembling a professional football team.  Not a hodgepodge of rec league softball players that think they have one more down in them and JV football washouts.  Don’t worry. After you fail at this I’m sure the mall security force will be happy to take you in. Then you can harass some college kid you think has marijuana and a better life than you. (Hint: it’s because they do)

Also, Pagano somehow regressed.  I feel like at some point he knew something about football.  He had to.  But somewhere down the line he started hitting the superlatives too hard.  It started with just one “grind it out” every once in a while to unwind, but now he needs to have 3 or 4 “we have the heart and grit”s every morning just to get to normal.

Lulz Tolzien.  Lulzien.  How’s it feel to be bested by Tom Brady’s second best backup when he’s had the playbook for a week?  Make you feel good?  Well I’m glad someone’s happy.

But then something magical happened.  This morning I raced for the cure.  We didn’t win, but we got enough points to unlock Rainbow Road.  But I digress.

As such, I didn’t get to follow the game until it had started, and I was SHOCKED to find that we somehow were up 10-0.  Could it be?  Is Brissett actually he who was named?  Forged of fire and ice?  Did we actually learn anything and improve?!

You scared me there for a little Colts.  I thought you were actually going to be worth my time this year and I was going to have to shell out some money to get the world’s worst streaming service, NFL Sunday Ticket.  As it is, you’re still garbage and I can get by listening to the Colts the same way I did this weekend, which brings me to the main event.

Dickbag of the Week:

Bob. Fucking. Lamey.  You miserable sack of everything wrong with the Midwest.  You’re mayonnaise on french fries.  You’re “Tasty” videos with cream cheese as primary components.  You’re candy corn frappachinoes.  Every time I try to say “hey, here’s something cool about my home!” in Portland, I’m met with an article about how someone that looks just like Bob Lamey that loves Trump, but didn’t think he’d take away their medicare.  The fact that you exist is making us all look bad.

I’ve been listening to this man for something like a 1000 years.  Granted, sometimes I can’t tell if I was listening to Bob Lamey, or if I was listening to my Dad talking about my peewee football team.  “Somehow we just need to make sure Trevor is hitting his man,” or some bullshit like that.  These are GROWN MEN Bob.  They aren’t your kids.  They’re professionals out there doing a fucking difficult job.  Stop acting like you’re going to take them to the corner DQ for buster bars after the game and treat them like adults.

And nothing is worse than when you get your “disappointed” voice going.  We all know how it sounds.  

“Reggie, in the flat, Peyton AIRS IT OUT HE’S GOING DEEP THIS IS GOING TO BE - he dropped it….he just dropped it…dangit Reggie.  You can’t be making mistakes like that.  Now Reggie, come on- this is just not us.  This is not Colts football.”

Fuck you it’s not Colts football.  I hate to break it to you the only constant in Colts football is Irsay’s continued coke fueled involvement in the team.  Everything else is cyclical.  Being a “Colt” is not something someone becomes at age 13 at some horseshoe barmitzvah.  Guys will come and go, and what is or isn’t Colts football will be dictated by them.  Telling me that Scott Tolzien sneezing in a manner that somehow converts to a pick six isn’t “Colt’s football” isn’t good analytical insight.

And you know this sack of shit loves Pagano.  They are cut from the same fucking wide ass cloth.  I would like to clarify though that that cloth is wide only for Lamey’s sake.  Pagano is normal sized, it’s just that Lamey is such a prime example of the dormant lifestyle that he requires double the cloth.

Even during the broadcast today he gave pulled out this little chestnut.  When talking about Pagano’s incredibly bushleague decision to not challenge a bad call that would’ve gotten us a touchdown - a decision that Pagano himself has said was a mistake - Lamey said something along the lines of “We got word from the league office in New York and they said even if it was challenged, they didn’t see anything to overturn it, if you can believe that.  So you all talking about it, it didn’t make a difference so that ends that.”  

Do you hear yourself?  That’s some Hannity level of schilling for the boss.  It doesn’t matter?  Even if you heard “from New York” which - lets face it, the closest you ever got to having a source in New York was when Pizza Hut carried extra thin crust pizza - it shouldn’t matter that the play wouldn’t have been over turned.  It was still an incredible failure as a strategist and a coach to not challenge that play.  Lamey’s the type of guy that argued  we should keep Tolzien over Morris, even though Morris was clearly better, because he showed more heart and hustle in practice.  He’s the kind of guy that complains about guys being “distractions,” while not a word is mentioned about Irsay’s latest porn tweet.  He BLEEDS BLUE #chuckstrong #onegame #nextmanup #protecttheshield #tweetcaroline.

And you know what’s terrible?  Even if Irsay pisses off his dealer enough that he’s killed in some cartel crossfire, I’ll still have to put up with you.  YOU’RE AN INSTITUTION, someone who’s opinion I don’t care about will say.  You’re the type of old man piece of shit that people keep telling me is worth having around because of your down to earth wisdom, like Mike Ditka and Hawk Harrelson. But you’re really just some old guy that thinks the league would be better if players all stood during the anthem and if they started hitting during practice again.  

I hate that you’re my only option if I don’t want to pay $1,000 to watch SOME of the Colts games on Sunday Ticket.  I hate that you’re what somebody hears if they’re flipping through radio stations on a Sunday in Indianapolis.  I hate that it’s your voice over all the greatest highlights of the Colt’s Super Bowl year.  Do us all a favor and roll your fat ass to some B&B in Brown County and stay there forever.

So that’s it for the first public dickbag.  Please like, share, and subscribe…nah just kidding.