#jinder

GUESS WHAT BITCHES.  You get a second column this week!  I’m pretty sure you won’t actually read it until you click to see next weekends football dick bag, but I don’t care!  Something really fucking stupid and terrible happened on SmackDown this week, and I’m going to discuss it!  Because I’m FUCKING HEATED.

Wrestling Dick Bag of the Week:

Jinder. Fucking. Mahal.  You’re what would happen if indifference started taking protein powder and wouldn’t shut up about maximizing your gains.  True story, I just now tried typing the sentence, “you’re like an Indian ‘______’” with like 5 different wrestlers and each time went, “Nah, that’s too harsh on ‘_____’”.  

Fun fact about Jinder Mahal, he’s the first wrestler since the inception of WWEShop.com to not have ANY merchandise for sale when he won the Championship.  His “personalized side plates” that are supposed to have his logo on them, just say “Jinder Mahal” in Papyrus font, which is the Jinder Mahal of fonts.

There are a lot, and I mean A LOT of reasons why I don’t like Jinder Mahal.  I’ve never seen him in a compelling match.  Like ever.  I’ve never been on the edge of my seat when he’s in the ring.  The only reason I watch any of his matches is just to see if he loses so that he can start his decent back down the card.  

Now, I’m not necessarily what you’d call a “moves guy.”  I enjoy seeing cool moves, but they aren’t necessary to my enjoyment of the product.  Edge is my favorite wrestler of all time, and when he was in the Main Event his move-set was not flashy at all.  That said, Jinder does no interesting moves.  He does that generic “I’m twisting your neck” rest hold, that only shitty low level heels do.  You know the one I’m talking about? The one where they twist the guys head like they’re about to snap their neck, but the guy is just sitting there with his arms and legs kind of flailing?  Everybody looks dumb doing that hold.

His finisher is one of those generic ones they give you until you come up with something cool, except Jinder hasn’t come up with anything cool.  I mean, how hard is it to flip through the “create-a-finishers” in WWE 2K17 and pick one?

When Jinder won I was shocked. Not in a surprise good way like I was when Jeff Hardy or Eddie Guerrero finally won the title.  No, I was shocked in a, “this goes against the internal logic of my brain” kind of way.  That said, I was in the “I’m going to give him a chance,” camp.  I certainly didn’t like it at the start, but I was going to give him a chance to prove it.

Since then, he’s won every single one of his WWE Championship bouts the same way, with the exact same kind of interference from his flunkies.  I was getting to the point where his time to prove himself was almost up for me, but if he managed to have a good match next PPV, maybe I’d still give him a chance.

He then took the last bit of good will I had towards him; pumped himself up so that he was extra veiny; and took a big old shit on it.

On SmackDown, Jinder gave possibly the worst segment in WWE history that didn’t involve someone recently deceased (and that’s one hell of a qualifier).  A character who’s whole character is based on xenophobia, proceeded to prove that we as fans are racist, by being SUPER FUCKING RACIST.  Because REASONS.  He went full on Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffanys on us.

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING FANS chanted “that’s too far.”  These are people that thought this was acceptable:

I mean, CHRIST.

And you might be thinking, Dan, you blusterous sack of dolphin semen, Jinder is just playing a character.  Just following a script.  HE wasn’t saying the racist things, his character was and you got mad at him.  GOOD HEEL HEAT!

Well puss-burger, can I call you puss-burger? Yes puss-burger, you’re right, but this is pro-wrestling.  The best characters are people’s real personalities turned up to 11 (with the exception of like, the Undertaker).  As such, Jinder should be somewhat protective of himself.

Stone Cold talks about how when he got to the WWE he spoke up about what he wanted his character to be and when they gave him things that went against it he fought it.  Edge and AJ Styles have talked about how sometimes you need to speak up to the office if you think something like a special match up should be protected.  If you’re WWE Champion, and the boss wants you to go full blown racist, YOU SHOULD SPEAK THE FUCK UP. 

I get that it’s Vince, and he just handed you the title in May after you had been doing the honors for Gronk in April, but still, if you are going to be at the top of the card, and feel like you should be there, then you should take the initiative and speak up when a plan is bad.  I’m just a mark, but I find it hard to believe that guys that had extended runs at the top said yes to everything.

As far as the whole “all heat is good heat,” argument, I get it.  We’re supposed to be mad, and he’s making us mad.  But I know I’m at the point where it’s not, “oh I’m mad at you heat,” it’s “I don’t want you on my TV heat,” and I can’t be the only person there.  Every time he wins I feel nothing inside.  Just a void.  It’s like I hit the snooze on caring about THE MOST IMPORTANT BELT IN ALL OF PRO WRESTLING for another PPV cycle. 

So now, I’m done.  I’ve given you your chance.  Now you’re a character that complains about racism that is a HUGE FUCKING RACIST.