In A Dream

The heart can only handle so much.

I promise you things will get so much better when you start processing people’s behavior as information rather than a verdict on your self-worth. If someone doesn’t text back, suddenly pulls away, whatever it may be, the solution isn’t to put on a tap dance for them and try to regain their approval. It’s not to crash out on them and try to force them to react a certain way. It’s just to take a step back, take a deep breath, and assess what this tells you. What’s this saying about them? What’s this saying about you??

“Do it scared” “do it alone” are all great tips, but my biggest takeaway from therapy is do it messy. This is especially true if you’re getting out of a burnout, which I experience often. Literally just do it messy. You don’t need to pick the perfect trail to walk, the perfect playlist to listen to, whatever the fuck it is. You don’t need to have a meticulous to do list and wake up at the exact time you planned and drink the exact amount of water you planned to drink. Like the biggest thing for people like me to remember is sometimes it’s okay to do it messy. Put on a random yt workout and just get it done in sweats. Do 5 minutes of a daunting task and go from there. Sometimes just getting up is a win during intense burnouts or depressive funks. Literally just do it messy.

Sometimes I question whether everything I remember about us is an exaggeration of what once was… or if I’ll spend the rest of my life pursuing a singular feeling, one that has faded too much to be recreated, yet remains vivid enough to haunt me with the memory of you beside me.

No. You lost the chance to apologize to me. Not because I’m mad or petty. But because I already forgave you, for myself. And if I let you come to apologize at this point, that’s just giving you access you no longer deserve. So if your apology is only showing up now because you feel guilt, that’s not an apology. That’s an attempt to make you feel better. So thank you. But no.