a month to a year

There was this guy. I loved him and he loved me initially idk about later. But we weren't officially together. Cause of reasons mainly cause of me. But we were unofficially official. Everyone knew. We were always together etc.

So this one time he went to visit his fam over the weekend during the semester. He was replying to me initially just fine then suddenly he just stopped. I thought maybe he's busy. Besides hed be back in a day or so. And Id text him once in a while to check up to wish him safe travels to tell him i cant wait to see him etc. But no reply. Then he came back still no call. So i called him up a few times cause i was worried sick. He offered no explanation.

Anyway. He saw me that day or the day after or something and we eventually went back to his place. And he held me and told me he kissed a girl. He said he was drunk and he didnt remember or what happened if it was a kiss or more or less. And she came onto to him. I told him you must have led her on he said no i was piss drunk. I told him you cheated on me he said no. He said we arent together so there's no cheating. So dont call me a cheater. In a shock i accepted that. Dumb move. Then later we were kissing and i just couldnt. He told me its okay if you dont want to do this.

Desperate to take care of him to please him to deserve and get his love affection i said no its okay. We continued to make out. But it was horrible.

Days later when i finally told him you are cheater (during a fight. Rage made me brave enough to say it). He said you are a lying manipulative bitch. You twist things for your benefit. I am not a cheater.

I still feel horrible about it. I still hate myself for not slapping him that day. Hate myself for not ending things with him that day. Infidelity has always been a deal breaker for me yet i let it slide. I still hate myself for not leaving that day. Hate myself for kissing him that day. Hate myself for letting him convince me it wasn't cheating.

Tbh even now there are times when i still think its not and im convincing myself that he cheated when we clearly werent together officially. But we were all that without the girlfriend boyfriend title. We'd treat each other like that.