I remember doing it but never stopping.
It was my way of thinking.
But if nobody was around I would wind up.
They thought it was a joke.
But I had told them to back off.
Then I just started walking.
Except, there were no sweet words.
Only an addictive song was allowed.
This meaning all the “facts” I would repeat.
I would say things only to hurt me.
Things that cannot be changed.
If I didn’t go around then my head would ache.
I remember banging my head because nothing worked.
Felt just like those old TVs.
It later affected my hands.
I can stay mostly calm when I know others are around.
But it’s a whole new thing being alone.
As I breathe in, it feels like I am still exhaling.
Everything is coming out, yet my lips stay sealed.
It feels better when I shake because then the aches make sense.
There is no way to tell you when it’s bad.
No matter how many times I ignore the questions,
The worse is trying begging yourself to talk.
All that come are deep I-I-I-I’m-m.
I can’t talk straight if it is bad.
But I’m setting myself up.
I say over and over that everything makes sense.
I don’t know the psychology,
I’m in denial of the physical and emotional issues,
I want to keep playing the game of life but I’m just spinning.
I’m still going nowhere no matter what number I think I’m hitting.
And I don’t even realize at times.
But actions are still going on.
I started an argument once, all I remember is moving my sheets and then sleeping again.
I didn’t know I tried pushing back.
I’m trying no to fall back into old habits.
Kicking desks are probably what fucked up my toes (joke).
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