From the Rucksack

just had a thought so disgustingly sappy i had to open my period app to check if i am about to ovulate. i am not. there is no excuse. i'm sacrificing all my hard earned cynicism credibility for this... imagine a hollanov toddler getting mad and calling her papa ilya "rozanov" because that's what her daddy shane does when he's mad

Soft butch Jane Hollander finally cutting her nearly hip length hair into a choppy razored wolf cut/shag and Lilya Rozanova legitimately forgetting how to breathe as she slams her rum and coke at a stupid bar in Tampa in a dress she thought would be funny but now looks stupid because god, she’s never even seen Jane in pants let alone the smudgy eyeliner and crisp button down with the sleeves rolled up and wide leg trousers, sunglasses tucked in her cleavage and oh my god, is she wearing a black lacy bra? Can she actually see Jane Fucking Hollander’s Bra ™? Did her awful fucking movie star boyfriend make her change her image?? If he did it would be a weird choice because prissy, perfectly feminine, princess Jane looks gay now. Really fucking gay.

I got up, l blew a kiss to the sky for my mum and then another for Cassian and l girded my last loin and faced the world on my first day in 25 years as unemployed. I am old so l am overlooked, and now l don't even have the validation of being good at a job. So basically l am left with nothing. If any asteroid is hurtling towards us, feel free to zero in on me.

Remember, 2026 and any born in 1996 will be 30 this year. Don't be alarmed by it. It actually does get better if you stop worrying about events you have no control of. Focus on want you can change in your environment. And leave the rest.

there's something about how people talk about ableism online that feels somewhat divorced from the reality that ableism is a form of violent oppression that gets disabled people killed, assaulted, and brutalised in real life. that it causes medical neglect, abuse, and structural inequality. that disabled people are, on the whole disenfranchised. and it's not like verbal interpersonal ableism "doesn't matter" in the face of the "real stuff" because all forms of ableism contribute towards dehumanising and isolating disabled people, which in turn makes them more vulnerable to the violence i mentioned. but it's like, do you guys remember the violence exists? that it's not just people being upset over words "for no reason"? there's a glaring reason right in front of us if you bother to look

There are so many people that are pro disability rights until they find out disabilities can be gross sometimes. It's so wild seeing the same people advocating for more mental health talk losing their shit over a depressed person not brushing their teeth or cleaning their spaces, or people who totally support physically disabled people until they find out I once pissed in a cup because I was in too much agony to get out of my bed, or that sometimes cups and food sit in my room longer than they should because I physically can't get up to put them away. Disabled people sometimes have incontinence, disabled people sometimes have bad hygiene, and still deserve to be supported. It's so fucking performative and it pisses me off. Even other disabled people act like this. Shaming people for stuff they can't control doesn't help anyone, just makes you an insufferable person.

I find it very offensive that the more unwell you are, the more things you have to do to maintain your health. Things like following special diets, going to medical appointments, making big and important decisions about what treatments to use. At the same time, the more unwell you are the less energy you have to do all of these extra things. It seems grossly unfair.

when people don't consider you in the same way you consider them, let them go. there are actually so many people in the world that can match your energy and love you the way you love.