this is me being me

I find it so odd how one 'heartbreak' completely changed me.

for instance i don't like people anymore i shut them out.

because i just cant genuinely really like someone and i don't know how to fix it.

like today this cute guy flirted with me during a class and i felt absolutely nothing.

our legs touched the entire time. which used to send my heart flying but now its just nothing.

but i think this is God telling me to focus on loving myself and finding out.

Im an amazing athlete.

when i have fun.

when im not, i tend to get in my head and mess up alot.

So when im on the court i sing a song in my head, my favorite being "My Way" by Calvin Harris.

i wanted to share this for anyone that can relate to this and realized that there are solutions.

I am myself.

i really am amazing

i am good at sports

i am funny

i am loud

i am not so creative

i am odd minded

i am weird

i am smart

i am kind

i am helpful

i am MYSELF

PEOPLE DONT HAVE TO LIKE ME.

BECAUSE I DO.

i am enough.

i have always been enough.

i just have to find a way to make myself believe it.

i am a minority.

and in middle school i was often called out for it.

and it used to make me feel so small and uncomfortable.

and would even send me home upset or crying.

but now that ive been in highschool.

and surrounded by so many different people its almost like a breath of fresh air.

because i dont have to pretend to be white.

because im not and i dont wanna be.

so the people that made me feel like i wasnt enough.

now just sound like ants trying to break down my door.

silence.

its often said by elders that social media puts stuff in our head.

and why i used to rather not agree.

i do.

i recently self harmed no less than a year ago .

and i started seeing it as a solution.

i was intourduced to it on tiktok.

and after some of my friends found out that i did it .

they began doing it as well.

so this is a reminder that not only does self harm hurt you.

it also hurts other .

though im not saying this quoting all those guilt messages you see online.

i may have aniexty and depression .

and yesterday afternoon i cried and cried because my mom and i were discussing it.

because i thought that it meant that i was a failure as a person.

but i now know that it is apart of who i am.

but it doesn't define me.

because most people love me.

for who i am.

which is someone who is funny, weird, witty, sassy, smart, and most of all myself.

so even if i do have troubles i need to figure out .

i know i can do it because a big part of who i am is strong so i know that im able to do anything .

even overcome mental illnesses.

Pretty

something im not.

its not that im fucking begging to be told "yes you are" or "shut up your goregous"

because its just a fuckin fact

and i hate when people compliment me because

sports.

its an amazing thing to love when your doing good.

but when you do bad its almost as if its the end of the fucking world.

and to people who think its dramatic

fuck you.

cus its my world and i can make it whatever

Have you ever had a family member who was bigger, old but depended on their parents, and dresses like a hobo

well i have

everyone fucking attacks her

for the way she looks, dresses, or eats

but at the end of the day, shes herself

though she is annoying and crazy.

shes also beautiful and passionate

which is half of whatever fuckers wanna judge her by the way she looks because she may not be perfect

i wanna dye my hair, get a peircing, and tattoos.

But i dont want to feel judged.

But one day i wont give a fuck and everyone will think i went insane,

and thats okay because i did,