Sitting alone at the balcony tonight, the city lights feel like old memories wearing new clothes. I keep thinking about the life I’ve lived so far, the decisions I took, the roads I chose without knowing where they would end. Some choices built me. Some broke parts of me quietly. Changing cities changed something inside me too. New streets, new faces, new voices, new people saying “I’m here for you.” And still, somewhere deep down, after meeting so many souls through the years, I somehow remained alone in the crowd. A heart can sit at a full table and still feel empty. Funny how life works like that.
Back then, I didn’t know many things. I didn’t know why certain storms arrived in my life so early. I didn’t know why I had to grow while still carrying the mind of a child trying to survive. I made decisions based on what I understood at that moment, not on the wisdom I have now. Maybe some were wrong. Maybe some saved me without me realizing it. Even today, I honestly don’t know whether every decision I took was good or bad. Life never hands you answer sheets before the exam. It just throws tests at you one after another and waits to see if your spirit bends or survives.
Sometimes I wish I could sit beside my younger self and whisper, “Take some decisions earlier. Stop waiting for people to understand you. Stop shrinking yourself just to keep others comfortable. Don’t ignore your own pain while trying to save everyone else.” But maybe that younger version of me had to learn everything the hard way. Maybe scars were the tuition fees for becoming stronger.
I look back at all the people who entered my life. Some stayed like anchors. Some left like unfinished songs. Some taught love. Some taught silence. Some only arrived to teach me how temporary humans can be. Yet every single person left fingerprints on my soul. And through all of it, I kept moving. Even when I was exhausted. Even when my mind became a battlefield no one could see.
There were moments when I almost gave up on myself. Moments where darkness felt louder than hope. But this time is different. This time I won’t try to end myself. I will fight till my last breath. No matter how many tests life throws at me, I’ll survive this journey. Not gracefully every day. Not perfectly. But truthfully. Step by step. Scar by scar.
And one day, years from now, I’ll look at this version of myself with pride. The boy sitting at the balcony, overthinking the past while carrying an entire universe inside his chest. The boy who felt alone even while surrounded by people. The boy who refused to quit.
I’ll come back stronger. Not because life became easier, but because I finally learned how to survive my own storms. 🌙
