An Honest Mixtape: Build That Foundation
by Brittany Ashley
Hello! We are starting a new advice series here at Everyone Is Gay called âAn Honest Mixtapeâ! Each month (starting right now!) we will feature a new guest writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!Â
Writer, comedian, and actor Brittany Ashley kicks things off with some back-to-school breakup advice and a mixtape to help mend your broken heart and give you the strength to get through seeing your ex again for the first time. GREAT.
âIâm in high school, and I went through a really messy, miserable breakup last school year. For the rest of the year, I would get anxious every time I saw my ex and tried to avoid her at all costs. Now I havenât seen her in two months because of summer and Iâve been doing a lot better, but Iâm afraid of how Iâll react when I see her again/if she tries to talk to me or if we end up in a class together. Help?â
Weâve all gone through it. Trying to avoid seeing an ex-girlfriend is like the worldâs worst video game that weâre all stuck playing for the rest of our lives. To take extra precautions, weâll deny ourselves going to that party (5 points!) or cut off seeing certain friends (Bonus level!), just in hopes of avoiding one particular human being who seems to have the cheat codes to our anxiety.
Letâs start by saying this: throughout the summer, thereâs no doubt that youâve made progress. You started to feel like yourself again and finally like sheâs not the only radio station playing in your head. Seeing her again doesnât get to erase any of the work youâve done. She doesnât get to have thatâthat was work that you did! Itâs yours! You own the rights to it!
I get that you think seeing her again might throw a wrench in your betterment. The best (but also worst) thing about being a fleshy mortal in this situation is that you simply canât control the outcome of every awkward interaction or every studentâs class schedule. Well, wait. Actually, if you learned how to hack into your schoolâs database, you could probably engineer the perfect schedule to where you two wouldnât be likely to cross paths. Obviously youâd have to come up with an algorithm that also prevents hallway run-insâmaybe setting up roadblocks that block the flow of students. But even soâlearning hacking as a trade feels like an enormous amount of effort just for this.
So focus on what you can control, like how much time you spend dwelling on the what ifâs or how much space you let those negative feelings take up in your mind in places where good stuff could go instead. Remember good stuff? Good stuff is nice.
Once you relinquish the idea of control, the next thing you can do is build up your foundation. By that I mean: think of your self-esteem like a house. How banal, I know! But you donât have to take an architecture class to understand how spot on my metaphor is. Itâs easy to feel better momentarily when you paint the walls a bright new color or hang up a cool new Buffy poster. Who wouldnât? Aesthetic improvements feel nice but theyâre momentary. Why? Because if your foundation is cracked, the way the house looks doesnât really matter because you have to rebuild that goddamn thing. The good news is that whether or not your house feels like an abandoned roadside shack or an immaculate mansion a la MTV Cribs (too old a reference?), remember that you can always build up your foundation.
So how can you build up this foundation, you ask? Well, emotional health should be tended to at all times, not just when youâre in dire need of it. If you continuously appreciate yourself and the people around you, youâll build a strong ass foundation that wonât crack easily.
Think about what makes you feel warm and good. Maybe thatâs simply being outside. Listen, you donât have to go base jumping or extreme whitewater rafting, but sometimes it means just taking a book in your backyard or sitting on a swing.
Too much like an indie movie? Fine. Then go do something nice for your friends like writing them a handwritten card or making them a mixtape (Am I out of touch?). Strengthening your friendships and telling people how much you care about them is by far the coolest thing on the planet. Trust me. They wonât forget it.
Walk through the halls confidently with your headphones in while you listen to music. I like to daydream and picture myself as the lead singer, but thatâs just me. Maybe you can even jam out to this playlist I crafted for you.
But most importantly: Give yourself a break. Itâs okay to not fully be over the messy feelings that ensued, that just means youâre human. If we could think our way out of heartache, weâd all be robots.
Eventually, youâll be so distracted simply basking in your own incredible atmosphere, that youâll forget that you ever cared what youâd think if you ran into her. I know it sounds kind of silly: Distract yourself with yourself. tâs the best advice I can give and has gotten me through many versions and variations of âfear of running into my ex at school.â
Listen to Brittanyâs Mixtape, âBuild That Foundation,â right here!
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman.
