yes hello again it’s me

the thing about caring too much literally always and also being a people pleaser and also having anxiety (etc etc etc) is that i don't need other people to stay mad at me about things i'll straight up do it for them lmao (lmao but so not). i literally can't for my life stop holding myself accountable for . things in general. especially when there was at one point in time something to apologize for, even if it was a mistake with zero bad intentions behind it. i will ? never not feel guilty for making said mistake and god i fucking wish i didn't care everything would be ? so much easier that way??? if i could just go fucking full reputation era and make them out to be the bad guy in my own head (or honest to god to someone else if i were to tell over the Tale of what happened) but i literally can't because i'm plagued with guilt despite apologizing and doing whatever i can. and the fact that they are still not Neutral on the subject after months just continues to fuel the fire in me blaming myself and basically makes me feel Worse even though realistically i know nothing has changed in terms of the situation and yes i did everything i could and no they owe me absolutely nothing and in no way do they have to feel neutral or even remotely good about things i'm just so fucking frustrated at myself for continuing to feel so genuinely awful bc. hi brain get the memo it's not getting you anywhere you did what you could and that's the end of the story y'know? but somehow knowing they still care and still feel Something about it is so unpleasant and gets my wheels turning and i feel nauseous with guilt all over again and i just fucking wish i WISH i could shift the blame off myself and have it in me to make them out as the bad guy but i fucking don't because that's just how i am i take every ounce of anything remotely not good in a friendship/relationship and blame it on myself bc . then it's something i can apologize for and not have to think of the other person badly i guess? and i do this so much even when it's so clearly not my fault not even anyone's fault i just get Anxious and feel Guilty so i apologize left and right. but in situations where there's actually something that went wrong on my part something for me to apologize for something to feel guilty for???? i still feel like i'm drowning in it and it's been actual months lmfao. so why do they still care why do EYE still care y'know? UGH RTDFGJHKLHGFHJKLHGFDHJKLHJGHFDHJKL;JHGFJKL;JHGFJKLHJGFDHJKJGFDHJKLHGFD