psssst. it's @ilostyou (also @bucks118)

The first time it happens is in an upscale hotel lobby, and it was the last thing even remotely on Emily’s mind. She was waiting for her drink at the bar in the lobby, lost in thought, waiting for the warm, fuzzy feeling being a few drinks in would bring her. She wasn’t drinking to get drunk per se, but she was drinking to take the edge off, because the last thing she needed was for her thoughts to be razor sharp, in addition to haunting her and playing on a never-ending loop. She was plagued by her own mind reminding her of the last few minutes of their (failed) takedown, stuck replaying what she witnessed as two young girls got shot repeatedly. Over, and over, and over, and over. Because, as she saw it, she could have prevented the whole thing. It was her fault.

She had been on a roll all throughout the case so far, and once she was out in the field it was no different; she had ended up closest to the unsub when he started to run after escaping what they’d thought was a dead end, so naturally, she started after him. He was an easy six inches taller than her, with longer legs and bigger strides, but she was quick on her feet and, above all else, determined to get this guy in cuffs. But seemingly out of nowhere Hotch caught up to her, panting out a quick, Prentiss! to catch her attention, before she turned to find the source of his voice and found what looked like a deep gash over his left cheekbone. The feeling that flooded her insides came as a shock, and caused her gaze to linger one second too long faced backwards, sending her tripping over her own feet. Hotch doubled back to help her up, which neither helped her regain her composure or apprehend the unsub. Morgan was only thirty feet behind them, but that gap gave the unsub just enough time stumble upon the location of the two girls everyone was working so hard to keep him from; as soon as he opened fire towards the girls, hitting them both multiple times, Morgan fired at him, all the gunshot wounds proving fatal. Emily watched all this from the ground roughly sixty feet away, and Hotch watched her from roughly sixty five.

Theoretically, to make peace with herself, she could blame it on Hotch. Damn Aaron Hotchner and his deep voice and his soft brown eyes and his strong-yet-subtle cologne and the bleeding gash on his face and—yes, it was her fault. The way his voice made her feel when it said her name, the way his eyes made her feel when they peered her way, the way the scent of his cologne could stop her in her tracks anywhere, the way she would always have a visceral reaction to seeing him injured in any capacity...her fault, not his. This was exactly why she knew how badly she needed to put as much distance between them as was acceptable between colleagues on a team like theirs.

Emily did her best to get partnered up with anyone else on the team, even if it meant staying out of the field when she would rather be put in. She avoided sitting shotgun whenever he drove, and that’s when she couldn’t find a way out of being placed in his car in the first place. She consistently sat in the chair furthest from him in every conference room, took the furthest seat from him on the jet.

He made her head fuzzy, and despite all efforts, it didn’t seem like that would be stopping anytime soon. It was never some silly child-like crush; it was more like some sick, twisted joke the universe was playing on her because of course, just her luck, really, falling for one of the only people in her life who was truly unavailable in every sense of the word. Not only is he her boss, he’s married. The burning attraction she felt nearly constantly, especially when around him, was something she should not be feeling and could never act on, and therefore was something she invested every effort in hiding and suppressing, hence her forced distance.

He’s her boss. His mere presence messes with the quality of her work. He’s married. He has a wife, a family.

She was not a homewrecker. She would not be a homewrecker.

She was cheated on once. The day she walked in on her college boyfriend in bed with her roommate was the day she swore to herself she’d never be that girl. Because no one deserves that feeling, that shock, that disappointment that there was someone else.

She would never be that someone else. But oh, was it tempting. Not always, not as a general rule, it was just…him. He was tempting. And that was dangerous enough to be reason number one for her to keep her distance.

After fumbling the ball as terribly as she did on this case, she didn’t have the energy to do anything except sit nursing whatever number drink this was. She’s zoned out, lost in thought; walls of defense, of intentional distance, long forgotten. And then she’s regretting not going straight upstairs and drinking alone in her room when the hair on the back of her neck stands up straight, and she realizes Aaron is standing at the bar next to where she’s sitting.

While all she can think about is the somehow overwhelming air of his cologne and why is he standing right here when the entire bar is empty, he’s thinking about the sad look on her face and how he feels an obligation to do something about it and what is going on inside her head?

Hotch will never admit it, but he’s always been drawn to Emily. He’s a devoted husband, and anyone who’s ever worked with him or so much as just met him could vouch for his character. He’s never so much as thought about cheating on Haley, on anyone, for that matter, but he couldn’t in good conscience say that there wasn’t something about Emily. There wasn’t anything between them, other than, maybe, the possibility of something.

He sits down next to her and they exchange pleasantries when he hears her voice crack, so they sit in silence. But as a show of comfort, and he’s not entirely sure why, he takes one of her hands in his. It takes every bone in Emily’s body to stay still, and not shy away completely; she isn’t really sure what prompted this and she can think of a million ways even just this can go wrong but she also can’t bring herself to remove herself entirely because something in her doesn’t want to miss out on what will inevitably follow, whatever it may be.

So they sit in silence, while Aaron holds her hand, his thumb moving in small motions on the side of hers, never prompting her to speak until she’s ready. And when she does, his heart breaks for her, knowing how she feels, carrying the blame for something that isn’t really hers to carry. When he asks her to look at him, he sees tears as they fall over her lash line, and before he knows it his free hand is reaching out to hold her face, brushing away the tears before they fall any further. But once his hand is there he can’t bring himself to move it so he just continues to caress her cheek with no abandon, actively ignoring his confusion as to why am I doing this? and instead of looking down at their joined hands she looks into his eyes and there’s a shift. There’s a shift neither of them can explain but both of them can feel and they’re not sure what changed but suddenly Emily finds herself leaning forward and then she’s kissing him and he’s kissing her and they’re kissing and—

Emily feels a rush of dread and shame wash over her as soon as she realizes what just happened—what she just did—and she jolts backwards, pulling her hand from his, averting her eyes to the floor, trying to breathe.

But then his hands are on her face again and his lips are on hers again and they’re kissing again and Emily loses herself in all of it before pulling back from the kiss, again, realizing there was a kiss and what the hell have I done? and her hand flies to her mouth as she stutters out an apology.

“I—I’m so sorry,” she gasps. “Wh—Aaron what the hell was that we—we absolutely cannot— you—Haley, you—oh my god—”

“Haley and I separated,” he interjects quickly, his eyes trying to find hers.

“I—you what?” She sounds incredulous, looking anywhere but at his face. She can’t, not right now.

“We...separated. For now, she says, but I’m not so sure. She asked for some space, I moved out. But we’re not...together right now, it’s...I wouldn’t cheat on her. This...we’re separate. Haley and I are separated.”

It takes some convincing, but after Emily calms down, the pair do a scan of the bar, making note of the fact that no one else was there to see them, and walk out together. And get in the elevator together. And get off on Aaron’s floor together. And enter Aaron’s room together. Then sometime later, deep in the hours of the night, he kisses Emily goodnight as she walks out of his room and takes the stairs one flight down to her own room, then leaves her to lay awake and wonder what the hell she just got herself into.

*****

After that first time, that final push, Emily and Aaron find themselves repeat offenders of the same crime—if you could even call it that. Emily found herself on the edge a lot, stuck in her head about this whatever this was with him; she knew she wasn’t actually doing anything wrong, but that didn’t stop her from getting caught up in the possibilities of it all. She wasn’t letting herself overthink things, but it was an active effort to stop her thoughts from spiraling; Aaron knew this, and knew when he should step in with some reassuring words, followed by a soft kiss to her lips, and then to her forehead. Whenever she’d bring it up, he’d promise that if anything changed with Haley he would tell her right away, sometimes followed by things like but don’t worry about that or I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. For the most part, that was all it took to soothe her anxieties. He was all it took to soothe her anxieties. So, with nearly all her worries sorted, she let herself fall into him, fall into them as a couple, a unit.

One time turned into two, two turned into four, and four turned into a blur until there was no longer a concrete count. A blur filled with rides home from work under the guise of car trouble, where they’d end up pressed against the door to her place, hot breath on each other’s necks, a halo of discarded clothing surrounding them. A blur filled with mock invitations to a housewarming “party” and a tour of his place (Come check out my new couch, he’d texted. She could conjure up a mental image of the smirk she was so sure he’d had on his face as he sent the message); they had ended up sprawled on said couch, Emily laying across Hotch’s bare chest, listening to the beat of his heart, making some one-off comment about the cushions being comfortable and how the pillows look better on the floor. A blur filled with many late nights on cases where Emily would quietly slip into his room around the corner from hers, and the occasional case where he’d conveniently slip Emily the key for the room next to his and they could just open the door that joined their rooms in the middle, no sneaking necessary.

The blur was also peppered with sidelong glances, snuck from across the room when no one would notice, but the other would feel like a sixth sense. It was peppered with bumped shoulders in packed elevators, legs brushing as either one of them would walk down the aisle of the jet, fingertips skimming fingertips just a bit longer than usual when handing off a stack of case files. It was peppered with sweet text messages, ones like How did you sleep? and Let me know when you’ve gotten home safely and I’m glad I got to see you today and I’ll see you later? and Make sure to drink some more water with that and It’s late, you should get some sleep and Sweet dreams. Along with all of that came a warm feeling that washed over them both; it’s soft and it’s comfortable and it’s subtle yet so distinct at the same time. It’s one that makes Emily’s head fuzzy and Aaron’s breath catch, and it sends a whole swarm of butterflies to take shelter in both of them.

Emily wishes she could say that she hadn’t seen it coming, but she knows that she did; Aaron had taken up some space in her heart for a while now, whether he had known it or not, and this...blur only increased that tenfold, if not more. She had feelings for him, but she’d never admit to them, even to herself, really, because of those soothed, but still very present, anxieties about how real something like this could even be, how something like this could even last.

Aaron truly hadn’t seen it coming, though had he taken time to think about the way he felt before, he probably could have seen something; that something was an inkling of a feeling that spread now and infiltrated his very being. He couldn’t ignore it if he tried, what he feels for Emily, but he did need to figure out how best to conceal it. Emily couldn’t know, Haley couldn’t know...this was not what he imagined when he and Emily had first kissed, but now he can’t imagine a reality without it, he can’t imagine a reality in which he no longer has this, whatever it was.

But when Haley comes knocking at his, albeit temporary, apartment door, he can’t ignore her. He loves her, he does, and it’s for that exact reason that he agrees when she asks him to move back home.

*****

It’s been a long paperwork day, and Emily’s been at her desk for hours finishing up one report that’s been taking longer than it should; somehow, she was left with the most work to take care of, and was now one of the last few people left for the day. She had been gathering resources all day from around the BAU, bouncing back and forth between Garcia’s batcave, Reid’s desk, and Aaron’s office, asking them all questions and for help as needed. Scribbling out one last signature on the bottom of the last page, she straightened all the papers and stood up, heading back to Aaron’s office.

As she climbed the small staircase, Emily found herself smiling down at her feet as she reminisced on one particular moment in the blur that involved Aaron closing the blinds in his office and hoisting her up onto his desk. Readying herself to make some quip about Yes, this is the last time I’m coming up here today because she’d been back and forth all evening, she lifted her arm to knock on the door and then—

Emily stopped cold in her tracks.

The name she heard muffled through the door was enough to bring bile to the back of her throat. Honey, I told you I’d be home late, she heard him say with a laugh. She didn’t have to look through the window to know the smile on his face. Yes, Haley, I will— Emily finally knocks, opens the door. He pauses, they make eye contact.

“Honey, I’m sorry, I have to go,” he says into the phone. “I’ll be home soon. Yes— yeah. Love you too,” he responds, mumbling, hanging up quickly.

Emily stands there, unsure what to say, hoping the look on her face can convey some of the feelings that her words can’t. Aaron is confident that if looks could kill, he’d have been dead minutes ago.

After another minute goes by, she breaks the silence.

“Home?” she asks. She waits for him to respond.

“I—” he starts.

“Honey?” she asks, louder this time. “Haley? Are—”

She stops again to collect her thoughts, taking a breath before saying something she might regret.

“She asked me to move back,” he says in a meek voice. “I didn’t really have a choice.”

“Bullshit,” she says sharply. “What are you, a child? Of course you have a choice—”

“I— Jack, Haley—”

“Do not say her name, not to me,” Emily spits out.

“I didn’t have a choice,” he repeats. “I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it for her.”

“What happened to I don’t think there’s anything to worry about, huh?” Emily says sharply, lowering her voice to mock his deeper one. “Nothing to worry about my ass,” she mumbles, taking a deep breath before speaking again.

“So you...moved back in with…with her.”

He nods.

“You promised me, Aaron. You promised you’d—”

“Baby, please—”

“Don’t call me baby.”

“Em—”

“Do not Em me right now! You do not get to call me that, not right now—”

Emily is fuming. Aaron isn’t sure how to get her to calm down so he just lets her continue to pace and mutter things under her breath and direct things at him until she calms down on her own. And when the time comes, she lets him have a chance to explain.

He tells her that he’s doing it to appease Haley, that she wants this, not him...but that he did agree to give it one more shot. He tells her that he didn’t bring it up because he didn’t think it was worth mentioning, because he doesn’t truly think it’ll stick. Aaron can sense Emily’s apprehension and suspicion, and can he really blame her? He doesn’t know how to get her to understand, and the only thing that might help her understand is not something he would ever tell her, it’s not something he would say out loud; the choice phrase—three words, eight letters—he doesn’t want to go near there, even if his heart is already there. He knows this stint with Haley won’t work because his heart is somewhere else entirely...with Emily, wherever she is.

They end up sitting on the couch, and Emily let Aaron grab hold of one of her hands. The familiar warmth was welcome, his thumb moving in the same small motions as it did that first time what feels like years ago, and they sit in silence. Then there’s a shift, one that feels the same as the one in that first hotel bar, and he’s kissing her again. It’s one, two, three seconds before she pulls back and blurts out,

“I don’t want to be that girl. I told myself I would never be that girl.”

Aaron just looks at her, watching as her face falls and she starts to stand up. “I—I need to go,” she mutters. And she does.

It’s when she gets home that she realizes that all these feelings are a lot more than she had originally thought they were. It’s when she gets home that she realizes she’s in love with him. She’s in love with Aaron Hotchner. Boss Aaron Hotchner, married Aaron Hotchner. And she doesn’t think she can just let that go, become another story of love lost without any attempt to latch onto it. So the next night, when they’re away on a case in the midwest, staying at a hotel not nearly as nice as that first one, she leaves her room for the night, and spends it in his instead.

*****

Emily’s shocked at how willing she is; she thought she would have more restraint, show more self control like she usually does, but…every doubt in the back of her mind vanished when she consciously admitted her feelings about Aaron to herself. She’s never felt like this in her life, and that’s what really changes for her. She’s had partners, even long-term relationships, before, and yet still, none of them treated her like Aaron does. He’s selfless, thoughtful, caring, considerate…and he’s done more for her than anyone else while still having to love her in secret.

And he does, love her. It’s obvious.

When she decided to throw caution to the wind and go to his hotel room, out on that case, she had no idea how he really felt. But the look on his face as he opened the door for her, the obvious relief washing over his features, followed by his incessant apologies and admissions of not wanting this to end either, showed her that there was something more there, something she hadn’t been positive of before.

It’s obvious.

He hadn’t been positive either, not until she fled from his office that day. He’d never resonated so much with you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. He had no idea how strong his feelings were, how deep they ran, until the thought of actually having lost Emily nearly sent him into a spiral, and the idea of having to push all that down to return home to Haley made him feel sick.

It’s obvious, even if neither of them have said it out loud.

That same night, Aaron and Haley had dinner. She ordered takeout and had it waiting for him on the table; despite Aaron being noticeably off, Haley was oblivious to it, happy to be making an effort to keep things up with her husband. But later, when she joined him in the shower, she couldn’t ignore the fact that his mind was so clearly elsewhere, so she planted a soft kiss on his shoulder and stepped away, wrapping herself in a towel as she exited the bathroom. What she didn’t know, and couldn’t tell, is that elsewhere was less a place and more a person, another woman no less, and he was preparing himself to mourn the loss of never having all that, but with her. He realized he wanted that with Emily, domestic life; she deserved the world—he wanted to give it to her. Even if he couldn’t right now.

The way he spent those next hours in that hotel room taking her apart then carefully mending her back together, time after time, was evidence of exactly that; he wasn’t sure how to give her the world but his efforts were consistent once he was honest with himself, and they did not go unnoticed. They both felt it in each other, this somewhat newfound admittance and acceptance of a certain four letters, finally out in the open in each other’s presence. Despite the shared reluctance to say it out loud, Emily and Aaron woke up that next morning, in bed together, determined to find a way to get the other to know, and to find a way to find a way to have a future.

*****

After landing from yet another grueling case away, Derek invited the whole team out. He offered to pay for the first two rounds of drinks to celebrate closing on a house to renovate the week before, but having been away he hadn’t had a chance to celebrate at all, and the whole team could use a night out to unwind after being away and dealing with the heavy caseload.

While Spencer, Penelope, JJ, and Emily filed into a round booth, Rossi and Hotch pulled chairs over to sit at the edge of the table, and Derek headed to the bar to get everyone’s drinks. Emily sat next to JJ, at the edge of the booth bench, and Hotch (whether by chance or on purpose, he’ll never say) ended up with his chair right next to her, everyone crowded close enough that their knees knocked and their thighs pressed up against each other. That, mixed with the steady flow of alcohol thanks to Derek’s suave grinning and winking at the cute female bartender earlier, had Emily feeling slightly more flushed than would be called for, even in a crowded bar. Not enough for anyone except for herself to be able to tell the difference, but definitely enough for her to scold herself inwardly, telling herself to get a grip, to act like more of an adult.

But it was hard with Aaron just there at her side, having to hold it together in a more casual setting in front of the team for the first time since they’d slept together even that first time. She’d been out plenty, even with some team members, but never all of them; Hotch didn’t usually come out because he was at home with Haley and Jack. (The thought made Emily laugh, now, if a little bit cynically.) But tonight he was here, as was Rossi, rounding out their group to include all seven of them. Emily was really trying to control her breathing, so not to react to every little movement Aaron made next to her, practically jumping every time she thought he was moving closer to her, his elbow closing in on what little space was left between them until it would inevitably touch hers, but she was working overtime because the alcohol had already started to make her head feel fuzzy, slightly heavier; the feeling was one she relished usually, a slight buzzing allowing her to detach from the seriousness of her daily work life (and, at this point, personal life too), but tonight it wasn’t doing her any favors. On the one hand, she was loosening up a little more with every passing minute, her guard dropping too, leading her closer to tossing caution to the wind, saying fuck it, and letting herself lean into having Aaron with her; but on the other hand, she knows full well that isn’t even a little bit possible, and she has to contain herself, but the cherished buzz was making that much harder than usual. She was left hyperaware of every inch between them, cautiously savoring the miniscule, and not so miniscule, points of contact they shared thanks to their seating arrangements, hoping he didn’t notice how her breath kept catching when he’d put his drink down with his right hand, bumping her left arm as he did.

He noticed, of course. Someone as vigilant and observant as Aaron Hotchner knew exactly what made the people close to him tick, and his significant other was no exception. He had quickly figured out precisely which foods Emily stayed away from, which scents she was drawn to more, which shirts she found less comfortable, which side she fell asleep faster on. Despite being a lefty, he purposely sipped his drink from his right hand so his arm would brush Emily’s, grinning to himself every time he heard her inhale sharply despite the loud music making it hard to hear anyone else at the table speak.

Emily was looking more and more flustered, and while it could have just been the alcohol, Aaron knew he must have contributed at least a little bit, and decided to take advantage of the close seating and add to the flush in her cheeks even more. He switched his drink into left hand, dropping his right hand to seemingly reach for something in his pocket, but instead, resting it gently on Emily’s leg, slowly trailing down to the exposed skin at the hem of her skirt, pushing it up just a little bit to draw slow circles on the soft skin of her inner thigh. While Aaron’s eyes stayed trained at Penelope, who was telling an animated story, Emily’s cut down to where his hand was parked, then pointedly looked away, reaching to sip her drink slowly through the straw that came with it.

Then with a squeeze of her thigh, Hotch muttered, “Two minutes,” under his breath, just loud enough for Emily to hear, and he looked at her for just long enough to see her curt nod in response. A quick two minutes later, Emily gets up, announcing a trip to the bathroom to cool off, maybe splash some water on her face to help, declining JJ’s offer for company. As she leaves, Hotch takes the last swig of whiskey in his glass, and gets up with it, leaving everyone with the assumption that he’s headed to the bar for a refill. While that may be the case, they didn’t know he planned on taking a little detour on the way.

He found Emily pacing in the hall in front of an open bathroom door, and was worried she was upset, maybe, too close for comfort? But her next lap down the hall had her stepping toward him with a wicked grin on her face, leading him into the bathroom by the red tie still around his neck, locking the door behind them.

She grabbed the lapels of his jacket, pulling him into a kiss; she loosened his tie, he started at her buttons, she slipped off his jacket, he untucked her shirt, she started down his jaw and onto his neck as he slipped his hands under her shirt and around to her back. They moved in a messy dance around the relatively small bathroom, bumping the walls, avoiding the handlebar on one side, the paper towel dispenser on another side, finally making it to the sink, Aaron lifting Emily just enough that she’s resting on the edge of the ceramic. Her skirt crept up as she got settled on the ledge, Aaron pushing it the rest of the way up as Emily made work of his belt, reaching for the zipper on his fly, hands faltering as Aaron’s lips sucked hard at a spot just below her ear, one he knew drove her wild. She let out a sound somewhere between a moan, a gasp, and a laugh, knowing that everything Aaron did was intentional, and he knew exactly what would happen when he did what he did. She quickly put her hands back to work, slipping a knee between his legs, moving it upwards slowly, just as he had to her own leg earlier.

But they were interrupted by a shrill sound they immediately realized was coming from Aaron’s pocket. Staying where he was, just freeing one hand, he reached for his phone, glancing down at the screen, then up again at Emily, slightly apologetically.

“I—It’s Haley,” he said looking over her shoulder, at the mirror behind her.

Emily nodded. “Go, go ah—”

Hotch immediately cut her off, reaching his other hand up and slipping his thumb into her mouth without a second thought. She raised an eyebrow at him, smirking; he smirked back. “Give us a minute.”

“Hi, Haley,” he said into the phone. Emily couldn’t hear Haley over the pulsing music still loud even through the door, she just watched as Aaron looked slightly annoyed with everything Haley said. “I told you, I wasn’t sure when I’d be home tonight, it’s—” he paused. “Yes, I know, but we’re out celebrating Derek tonight, and I told him I’d try and stay. Yes, try,” he paused again, and Emily sucked on the finger in her mouth. Now it was Aaron’s turn to cock an eyebrow. He continued listening to his wife on the line, then started talking again. “Haley, I’m sorry, but I have an obligation to my team, I need to stay out a little longer. Is there something wrong at home, is Jack okay? Good, I’m glad he got to bed easy tonight. But if that’s all…” Emily sucked hard, swirled her tongue around his fingertip, then let it go with a pop. “Yes, yeah, I’ll see you later, honey. I should get back—” He inhaled sharply as Emily toyed with his waistband, palming him over his boxers.

And with that he hung up the phone, his lips back on Emily’s in an instant.

Fifteen minutes later, Aaron went for a fresh finger of whiskey and sat back down in his chair.

Emily splashed her face with water, wiping at all the places her makeup had clearly smudged, sitting back down two minutes later.

“Everything okay?” JJ asked her. “You were gone a little while, I was about to come check on you.” Emily nearly choked on her drink at the thought of JJ walking in on them; she looked down at her lap, subtly adjusting her skirt yet again, then played her cough off as a laugh with a smile.

“All good,” she replied. “Was just getting very flushed. Cooled off with some wet paper towels, feeling better now.”

A few minutes later, Emily barked out a genuine laugh when she felt Hotch’s arm brush hers, watching him place his cup down next to hers, enough alcohol coursing through her veins that she didn’t feel compelled to clap a hand over her mouth to stop it. Hotch smiled in her general direction before announcing, “I think I’m going to call it a night. Haley likes me home before she goes to sleep, if she can help it.” Getting up, he adds with a shrug, “And I aim to please.” Emily couldn’t have imagined the eye contact they made as he made that comment, the palpable tension they both felt. He wasn’t wrong, though—Emily knew exactly how he aims to please, as per their rendezvous just a bit earlier, and every time they had spent together leading up to it.

“Good night, everyone,” he said, walking to the door after the chorus of goodbyes from their table died down.

Emily downed the rest of her cocktail in one go as soon as he left.

*****

More time passes, and the two tack on more minutes and hours to the already infinite amount of time they have in the blur. By now, everyone at work knows Hotch and Haley are having...issues, but no one knows about Hotch and Emily, and that was how things would stay. There was a lot more sneaking around, being even more careful than they were before, now that people knew it seemed like there was no recovery in sight for Hotch’s marriage. No one at the BAU would take Hotch as someone who’d cheat; they all see how much he loves Haley and would never expect something like that from him. Hotch, the upstanding unit chief, and Hotch, the everloving husband. No one knows, and that is how it would stay. It had to be that way, for all those reasons and more; one more being that both Emily and Aaron wanted it to be that way, to keep things a secret. At least, that’s what they told themselves, what they convinced themselves.

As much as Emily was somewhat of a wild teenager, pulling what her mother would call “wicked stunts that do not behoove a young woman of your status and privilege”, she never imagined herself in a situation like this, deeply entwined and involved with someone in a relationship so fundamentally taboo and off-limits. He’s married, he has a wife, a child. And after losing that college boyfriend and close friend in a relationship that was taboo yet all too predictable, she swore she’d never. Yet here she was. And she can’t say she regrets it. She thinks back on that time back in Aaron’s office, leaving in a hurry because she didn’t want to be that girl, the one who goes after a taken man; surely she can’t be that girl if he loves her back, can she?

*****

Meanwhile, Haley was nearing her last nerve. As much as having Aaron move back in was the two of them trying to make amends, to revive their relationship, there was barely any trace of that between them anymore. Whatever she had wanted to preserve was gone already. Aaron was distant, whether he realized it or not, always tied up in something at the office, away on a case, never home. And when he was home, he wasn’t present enough to make it count. He always showed up for Jack, which was something Haley valued immensely, never wanting marital issues to get in the way of a proper relationship with a child, but she was feeling very defeated, and closer and closer to her last nerve.

Aaron wasn’t purposely distant, but his heart wasn’t in it with Haley anymore, hadn’t been for a while. He loved Emily, he was sure of it, and while he had been trying to preserve the semblance of marriage he and Haley had left for Jack’s sake, he almost couldn’t help the distant front he was presenting when he was with Haley. He had very good control of his own body language, after growing up in an unstable home like he had and then studying it for a living, but he simply couldn’t help the fact that his heart was so clearly somewhere else.

One evening, after returning from the office and having a lovely home-cooked family dinner with Haley and Jack, Aaron retreated to his bedroom, itching for some space. He undressed carefully and methodically, taking off his watch, his cufflinks, his belt. Unbuttoning his shirt, laying it out next to his pants. He stood by the foot of his bed, eyeing his clothes, still feeling suffocated in his own home, alone in his own bedroom. Suffocated by what? He couldn’t say exactly. But he knew it was not a good sign that the feelings only got worse when Haley entered the room and sat on the bed next to where he was standing. When he moved away from her, annoyed at himself for feeling like he needs space to catch his breath just from being around her, she just scoffed and looked away. Aaron knew she could feel something was wrong, and he wasn’t sure if he cared if she knew what was really going on.

They argued a bit, taking low jabs at each other, comments growing less passive and more aggressive as the minutes ticked by. Haley was fuming and frustrated, Aaron was jumping out of his own skin. He needed to get out, get some air outside of the house.

“Haley, I—we could continue this another time, maybe a little later. But I really have to go now.”

“Ah, well. I see how it is. Where exactly do you think you’re going, Aaron?” Haley retorted, her tone venomous. “It’s getting late, already dark out.”

Aaron paused. “Running,” he said, “I’m going on a run. I’ll be back later.”

He leaves, not sure what possessed him to say he’s going on a run, and isn’t sure where he actually wants to go. Haley is right, it’s already getting late, but Aaron is sure Emily wouldn’t mind if he showed up on her doorstep. So he does.

He runs the whole way over to her, silently wondering how anyone could really love running because he hates this, but feeling motivated helped him get there quicker than he would have thought he would.

Emily’s face split into a wide grin as soon as she saw who was standing at her door. She leaned in for a kiss, looping her arms around his neck, smoothing them over his chest on the way up.

“Why are you all sweaty?” she asked, tilting her head in question.

Aaron looked down at their feet, his hands on Emily’s waist. “I told Haley I was going for a run,” he paused, “and it felt...dishonest not to at least try.”

“So you ran here?” she asked in disbelief. He nodded.

“Let me get this straight,” she says, giving him a look. “You’re here,” —she presses a quick kiss to his lips— “cheating on her” —kiss— “with me” —kiss— “but not actually going running felt dishonest?”

“I guess you're right,” he says with a laugh. He kisses her one last time before they step inside.

They barely make it past the living room, already so tangled in each other, but Emily insisted that as much as a sweat-drenched Aaron Hotchner was very easy on the eyes, he was less easy on the nose. He laughed, and she led him towards her bathroom, breaking their kiss only to wrestle the sweaty t-shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor along with the rest of his clothes.

“Well this isn’t exactly fair, now is it,” Aaron says as he pulls back and rests his forehead against Emily’s.

“What ever do you mean,” Emily laughs, batting her eyelashes dramatically. “I don’t think anything is wrong,” she murmurs into his neck.

“Well I—” He takes a quick breath in as Emily pays attention to one specific spot she knows drives him wild, “I think you need to lose some of these clothes. You’re a little overdressed for the occasion, don’t you think?”

And in record time, they make it into the shower, steaming water pouring over them, fogging up the glass.

Then they dry off, Emily slipping into a bathrobe and Aaron slipping back into the clothes trailed around Emily’s place. She called him a taxi, insisting to pay for it, acutely aware that she’s the one sending him back home to his wife.

Haley is already in bed when Aaron gets home and opens the door to their bedroom as quietly as he can. He quickly changes into some pajamas and slips into bed, he and Haley facing opposite walls.

“How was your run?” she asked.

“It was okay, it got a little chilly outside.”

“You’re not going to shower?”

“I showered already,” Aaron retorted. “At the gym,” he added quickly.

“The gym?” Haley asked, confused. “I thought you were running. I…didn’t know you went to the gym? Or that you even ran in the first place?”

“Yes, I—it’s recent, you could say. I got a Bureau discount somewhere local. I don’t love the running but I’ve actually been training for a triathlon.” He pauses. Stares at the blank wall.

“Maybe,” he adds. “Maybe you and Jack could come watch, if you wanted.” He means every word, but somehow there’s no emotion in them.

*****

Aaron gave a light tap on Emily’s door before walking in; she had texted him earlier to let him know that she would leave the door open for him to let himself in, in case she couldn’t answer the door herself. She had said something about feeling gross following the fieldwork they had done earlier, and how she didn’t feel like waiting much longer to shower like she usually does before bed, so there’d be a chance she was still showering when he’d come by.

He walked to the kitchen to drop their bag of takeout food on the counter and heard the water running in the bathroom.

“Em?” he called out tentatively, knowing she probably wouldn’t hear him over the water. “I’m here. No rush, though. Just saying hi.”

Aaron sat himself down on Emily’s sofa, picking up some magazine she had laying around in an attempt to keep his racing thoughts at bay. He was secretly very relieved that Emily suggested he come over to have dinner together; he always felt calmer around Emily, and seeing as he had a lot to think about as of that morning, he was grateful for this time with her. His early workout (maybe he didn’t hate running so much after all) and long day at work were somewhat of an ample distraction from the fact that Haley had abruptly asked him to move out again that morning. She had asked him curtly and quietly as he was on his way to shower before work, and he just nodded in response. He didn’t fight it, no matter how sudden her request felt; it wasn’t worth arguing with her, and besides, he truly was not sure what he would be fighting for at that point.

He was so lost in thought that he didn’t even hear Emily call his name and walk up to him.

“Hellooooo,” she called again. “Earth to Hotchner?”

He blinked, then stood up. “Hi, love,” he said with a cheesy smile on his face. He leaned in for a quick kiss, then wrapped her in a hug. “You smell good,” he remarked.

“Ha, thanks,” replied Emily. “Just the usual, but I appreciate it all the same.”

Pulling back from the hug, she gazed up at him, worried. He looked distracted, overwhelmed, sad.

“Hey,” she said to him. “Everything…okay?”

Emily heard him take a slightly shaky breath in.

“Yes,” he responded. “Don’t worry about me. Just tired, but happy to be here now.” He smiled at her in an effort to soothe her worries. “I left the food in the kitchen. Should we eat before it gets too cold?”

They polished off a cheap bottle of sparkling white wine with their Chinese takeout, eating most of their meal comfortably on the couch. As soon as they both deemed themselves full enough, and just tipsy enough, Emily jumped onto Aaron’s back, and he carried her back to her bedroom where they got straight into bed. Emily never questioned Aaron staying over anymore, and Aaron was not going to offer why he was at her place and not at home, wherever that was now, but it made both of them happy so neither of them questioned the other.

They talked for a bit, laying in bed staring at the ceiling. Emily talked about how she was determined to score higher than Derek on the field testing they were preparing for (“He’s got an unfair advantage! Like, a good six or whatever inches on me, and biceps the size of my head, babe. You’ve seen them!”), Aaron talked about improving his running time and the possibility of actually training for a triathlon (“I just broke the seven-minute-mile mark, but I’d like to hit below six sooner rather than later.”), Emily mentioned something she didn’t like that her mother had mentioned to her, Aaron responded with, “No news is good news, when it comes to Sean Hotchner.”

They went back and forth like this for a little while, but while Aaron really was enjoying himself and Emily’s company, he was still distracted with a lot on his mind, and Emily picked up on it again.

“Aaron,” she said quietly. “It’s just me here.” He looked down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “I get not wanting to talk about whatever it is, but your head could not be more obviously elsewhere right now, and I—I just wish I could get your mind off of things. I mean, I’m not sure what I can really offer but…a distraction, perhaps? At the very least?”

Aaron’s eyebrows shot up, confused.

“Ha! Oh, please, mister, get your head out of the gutter. I meant no such thing,” Emily laughed. “Well,” she raised an eyebrow, smirking, “maybe…” They both laughed at that. “No, no, I know, I’m kidding. I meant more like…well, I don’t really know exactly what. Why don’t you tell me,” she concluded.

Aaron spent a moment thinking, then laughed to himself as soon as he found the perfect thing.

“Why don’t you…” he trailed on, thinking aloud. “Why don’t you…speak to me in French? In honor of the wine from earlier. Just…talk, maybe?”

“Talk.” Emily paused, confused. “Talk…in French? You won’t even understand it?”

“Yeah, well, like I was saying, I enjoyed the wine, a French pastry has never done me wrong, and I do like the sound of your voice, so French seems logical here. And anyway, the French is actually soothing, especially coming from you…is that weird to say?”

Emily laughed at that. “Alright, alright, if you say so Monsieur Hotchner.”

However skeptical Emily was that this would help at all, she was always willing to do help however she could. She also took this as an opportunity to say whatever was on her mind, without worrying about what Aaron thought, what his reaction might be; she knew he wouldn’t understand anything she said that wasn’t in English, and was grateful to have an opportunity to get some things off her chest. It felt good to say them out loud.

I’m…in love with you, she said aloud in French. I know I haven’t really said it out loud, not to you, but I think you know it anyway. It’s weird, how I feel. It’s more than I’ve loved anyone before, and it scares me because…well, because nothing is simple, with us.

Emily went on, just rambling until she felt herself slow down, exhaustion creeping further in, eyelids getting heavier and voice getting quieter. Her head was still resting on Aaron’s chest, and Emily was at peace with his hand slung over her back, stroking her hair, tracing her face.

Just as she was falling asleep, Aaron heard her mutter an almost silent, je t’aime.

While she slept deeply, he was wide awake, head spinning. He thought about Haley, he thought about Emily. He thought about how he…avoided telling Emily about how Haley had asked him to move out again, how he checked into a hotel earlier that evening. He thought about how Jack deserves better than parents who can’t stand to be in the same room with each other, and how Emily deserves better than late night runs and stolen stares. He also thought about how his basic French was good enough to register that Emily just said I love you outright and out loud for the first time. And he thought about how things were great, but things were also falling apart, and he wasn’t sure how to rectify the wrongs in either situation.

Aaron didn’t sleep much that night, but took comfort in the fact that Emily seemed to have slept well, waking up bright-eyed, rosy cheeked, and smiling. He smiled back, no matter what feeling was gnawing at his gut.

*****

The case had been brutal, and everyone was ready to be back at home and wind down, easing off the stress they had been under at work.

“Who’s up for a drink?” Derek asked as soon as the team entered the bullpen.

“Ooh,” Emily cut in. “Who’s up for five?”

“Count me in,” Rossi said.

“I don’t know…” Spencer started, but got cut off by Derek.

“Stop with the ‘I don’t know’,” Derek said. “You’re in, kid. JJ?”

“I’d love to, but I think I’m gonna have to take a rain check.”

“Hotch,” Rossi called. “You in for a beer?”

After a short pause, “Sure.”

Right before they could file out of the room, a random agent opened the door, walking up to Hotch. “Agent Hotchner?” he asked.

“Yes?” Hotch responded, unsure who or what this could be about. He wasn’t expecting anyone, but considering his position and how busy the team has been lately, it wouldn’t be surprising to be meeting someone for the first time in a random interaction like asking him a one-off question. But before he could ponder any further, the agent hands him a yellow envelope stamped with his name and business address, and it all dawns on him at once. He signs a paper acknowledging he received the delivery, and the man walks off again.

All eyes on Hotch, Emily finally speaks up.

“What is it?” she asks slowly.

“Haley’s filing for divorce. I’ve been served.”

Hotch turns back to his office, Emily quickly at his heels, barely having processed the news.

“So?” she started, as soon as the door was closed.

“So...what?” Hotch countered.

“So...you’ll be able to sign off and...be done with all this now.”

“Emily, I—give me a minute.”

“God, Aaron, not this again!” Emily ran her hands through her hair and paced the length of his office, nervous energy unable to contain itself in her body. “She served you, Aaron. She’s saying she’s done. It’s a divorce, it’s...how could it even be any clearer?” she breathes out.

“It’s perfectly clear, thank you. And it has been a long time coming, which,” he scoffs, “you seem to know plenty about.”

“So what’s the issue then, huh? Why a minute?” she retorts.

“She was my first love, Emily! She’s the mother of my child! This isn’t something I can just sign off and be done with, as you so eloquently put it. I am more than entitled to taking my time before signing these papers. I love you, Emily, but... give me a minute, please.”

Emily goes home, Aaron stops by a few hours later, once he finally makes it out of the office. They both apologize to each other, understanding of the fact that everyone is stressed, tired, and high strung at the moment, and the snappiness wasn’t intentionally hurtful. They don’t talk much after that; they may have dissolved some of the tension, but emotions are still running high.

They end up on Emily’s couch, under the big throw blanket Aaron likes; her head is in his lap, he’s brushing the hair off of her face, they’re both focused on an old movie playing on the TV. Too quickly, the movie fades, and Aaron slips out from under Emily, who’s already half asleep, having lost herself in the repetitive motion of Aaron’s fingertips on her face, welcoming the familiar sensation no matter how much of an emotional rift they were facing. He presses a wordless kiss goodnight to her temple, and closes the door quietly on his way out.

They don’t speak for nearly two weeks. Nothing but work talk and case related details pass between them following their argument in Hotch’s office and their night at Emily’s apartment. As much as they both try to act as they usually would, everyone can tell something is off but no one knows what. They all chalk it up to Hotch dealing with the divorce (which isn’t far off) and ignore it, each agent coming to the same conclusion that unless it messes with his work, it’s not worth bringing up. Same conclusion was reached with Emily, although her behavior has less of an explanation. They both keep their feelings away from their work, and no one bothers them or asks if anything’s happened; Emily’s relieved, because she doesn’t even know what she would have told anyone if they’d asked.

The team had split up one day to deal with separate cases, Reid staying behind with Hotch to interview a death row prisoner, while the rest of the team traveled out to help Rossi solve an old case. The mood was lighter as everyone filed back into the bullpen, satisfied having finally tied off Rossi’s case. They each greeted Reid, who was sitting waiting for them, and eyed Hotch’s closed office door, where he’s sitting reading over what they all deduct to be the legal papers pertaining to his divorce.

While locked in a room with Reid and a serial arsonist, Hotch knew what he had to do. He’s known his marriage was over for a while already, and holding off on signing off on the divorce wasn’t doing anyone good. It wasn’t fair to Haley, or Emily, really; but most importantly it wasn’t fair to himself. It wasn’t doing anyone good to drag out the whole process, solely because he couldn’t bring himself to give up the idea of something that has been long gone. During his drive back to Virginia he resolved to sign the papers as soon as he was back in his office.

Now, back in his office, the task was just as daunting as he made it out to be originally, but he was still determined to get it done today. Hotch looked out his office window, noticing the noise level in the hallway picking up as the rest of the team arrived, congregating by the elevators; his eyes went straight to Emily, his heart warming as she laughs at something JJ said. He watches Reid’s eyes narrow in confusion, Morgan’s mouth drop open in shock, and Emily’s face light up as she laughs, delighted at whatever they’re all talking about. Then Emily excuses herself, carrying a file back to her desk in the bullpen, Aaron’s eyes still following her every move from up in his office. She can feel it, and she does her best to ignore it, but she looks up at him, and before he can look away their eyes meet through the slats in his window shade, tension building as she nods towards the paper in his hands. He averts his eyes first and places the paper down on his desk, toying with the pen he’s holding in his left hand.

Then he finally puts pen to paper, signing his name and dating the page.

Moments later there’s a tap at his door. He knows it’s Emily. She comes in without waiting for him to respond.

They wait in silence for someone to speak up.

“Hey,” Emily says quietly.

“Hi,” Aaron responds.

“I missed you,” she says.

“I missed you too.”

More silence.

“Emily, I’d love to catch up but I—I should probably, um, get these to my lawyer. Excuse me,” he mutters, and slips past her, out of his office.

THANK YOU FOR READING <3 let me know what you think, and join my taglist here!

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