When life gives you crawlspaces...

me: no live organism can continue to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality

is this my most tigerously scary pose??!!! dont be afraid. it will be okay.

can we? 🥺

remember everyone...

thursday watch: the conditions for thursday are here, but a thursday incident has not yet been confirmed

but fails to consider that ice is. so slippery.

First your fave dominates an event - duh, obviously, she's the best. Then during the part of the show where the announcer is like "anybody in the audience want to challenge her for a fat stack of cash", somebody actually does. (Obviously a tourist.) It's some kid wearing like a beginner outfit from a McDojo... and he actually wins?And gets the cash! And then the event just ends!?

You're buzzing. It's clear that this is like a storyline or something. You can't wait for next week's show. Except that there isn't one, because - as you find out through the gossip mill - your fave was actually the local billionaires' daughter who was competing in secret. And also kayfabe might not exist. And now she's gone and the billionaire is blaming a demigod (who's back from the dead? I guess?) for kidnapping her.

So, how come that means no show this week or possibly ever? Well, the billionaire hired the promoter (and a random McDojo sensei) to go after the demigod to get back his daughter (your fave wrestler!) and the guy just... packed up his entire promotion and left.

Some months later the war that's been going on since your great-grandfathers days ends. You go to a peace parade. And there she is: Toph Beifong, the Blind Bandit, giving the new Fire Lord a noogie.

Ilya Rozanov has a near perfect score (4.73), and it’s driving Shane (4.6) absolutely bonkers because he knows they use the exact same beans, and prepare them the exact same ways And it doesn’t even matter at all but it’s become his literal life’s work to get a better barista rating than Rozanov if it kills him.

Also unrelated but in Shane’s like third or fourth week working there his location runs out of oat milk so he’s sent to the other one to borrow a carton + he meets Ilya (who flirts a lot) and then after his shift it turns out they’ve happened to park beside each other in the parking lot and they were both on closers and the parking lot’s basically empty now and they fuck. In Ilya’s stupid impractical orange car.

The other thing about it is that they can’t come clean because about six months into casual car-sex turned casual post-work hookups turned very serious post-work hookups - in june, that’s important - one of the regional managers is caught fucking a barsta in the store bathroom*** and only gets away with it because they’re already engaged to be married and the company pr decides it’s bad form to fire two gay employees for having sex during pride month. And now eeeeeverybody else has to sign a new contract stating they will not under any circumstances enter into a relationship with another employee of the company**** and especially they cannot do it on-premisis

Shane and Ilya do not stop doing it on-premisis

(*think the 2 supermacses in galway that are 100m appart or idk literally anything else if you’ve not been to galway)

(**do coffee chains do this? I know burger king does this but i havent been to a coffee chain in years cause the indies are better)

(*** hi scott & kip)