Dreaming Away Reality

Why is it that when I’m having a panic attack, all I want is for you to hold me? Why are you the first person that I want to call? I haven’t had any contact with you for 8 months but yet you’re the only person who I want next to me to help calm me down. This of course makes me feel worse.

I just really need to get this out and vent for a little. I never really realized it before, maybe because I told a lot of lies to others and myself, but my last relationship was a very mentally abusing one. I don’t know if I would call it a physically absuive relationship since I was never hit. I would get poked and pinched to the point where he knew it hurt me but he thought it was funny so it never stopped. Bruises were left on my skin but I always looked at it as a playful thing. At least that’s what I told myself and mom when she saw my bruises may times. I would say I was more mentally abused and it still affects me today. I was so scared to do or say anything that could make him be mad at me. He made a lot of bad choices in his life and I didn’t want to end up in the hospital or dead like some of the stores I’ve heard from him. I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him. I didn’t want him to leave me so I did anything to be with him. I was lied to, manipulated, and used by him. He used my caring personality against me. I never told the truth about him because I wanted to believe that he loved me like he said. I knew a side of him that no one else knew. But I’m realizing that it was a lie. We dated on and off for 3 years. This still haunts me today. It’s been a year since I dated him and it’s been 5 months since I’ve had any contact with him. Memories pop in my head and my anxiety takes over at high speed, I break down in tears, and I can’t seem to let that part of my life go. I feel so stupid that I lied to myself and others to try and convince everyone and myself that he was a good person. I feel so stupid that I let him take control over me like that. I never told anyone the truth about him because I always thought it was just things apart of his past that he’s hurting from and I wanted to be there for him. I thought I saw a side of him that was different but I was blinded. And honestly, what hurts the most is that I lost a lot of friends because I stuck up for someone who wasn’t a good person at all. But if I would have realized that I was in an abusive relationship and if I would have told my friends, would they understand and be there for me? Because they walked out of my life because of him.. I don’t think they would have done anything to help me. And that honestly kills me. I feel like I could go on and on about this and maybe I will, but for now, this was good to get this off my chest. To maybe help me move forward because the hurt and pain I feel from all of the 3 years of my life wasted with him is still there and it’s still messing with my head.