^.^

I'm older now and can understand the 'first love' idea. I know exactly who that is.

I've always heard you end up with your third love, and so far that seems accurate to me. Although previously I would not have included my 'first' but now I recognize him for what he was. I really appreciate that too, he was such a sweetheart with no ill will. I really hope he's still the same person I knew in middle and high school.

But I've talked to his dad more than him personally over the years, and I can understand why. I was lost for awhile and seeking attention in the wrong places. I knew he liked me and I loved him ... Platonically. But I tried romantically. I just couldn't get there yet.

Two years later I met my second love. He did have to woo me for a whole school year, but he succeeded by the end. He was my first boyfriend and one of my longest relationships for awhile. But we were still young. And it didn't last ... It hurt so much worse that time. I still tear up when I think too hard about it.

Then there was my 3rd. After so many trials and tribulations. So many failed relationships ... Here we are.

Life has been a lot lately. But I've seen friends, had good laughs, proposed to the love of my life. It hasn't been all bad.

He keeps asking if I'm ok and I honestly don't know what to say.

I'm taking over a business years earlier than expected due to my mom's decline in health.

Trying to face my uncle-in-laws house from foreclosure due to his nephew spending $30k of his money in a 14 months.

A tree cutting company charging $29k for ONE TREE. During hurricane Helene no less .... What am i supposed to even think.

I thought I was drinking too much caffeine. Or maybe alcohol? Even bubbly water.

But today I found out, I just get anxiety attacks. Or maybe they're panic attacks?

Year after year it's the same ole thing. Alright I'd like to think things get better and better every year. Maybe I just get better and better at dealing with problems ....

Whether it's my mind telling me I'm not enough, or people's actions that push me down. Either way, I'm still just very tired of it all. I want a real break. But that costs money. And I have to buy a new car, ADHD testing, pay the mortgage, pay off credit card debt, all of the above .....

I just hope you're ok. I know you're not here anymore. No social media, no phone number, no presence. I just hope you are still on this earth. Happy and well .... It's a hope.

It's been almost a year since my last post. I've stated before, this is more of a personal journal for when I am upset.

Idk if that means I've been relatively happy these last 12 months. Maybe I've just been too busy to write. It's all a guessing game.

I'm just so tired. It feels like I have no one I can fully rely on. I can't take a break, cause there is no one to take over while I rest.

Although I have so much support for my daughter, I still don't feel I can fully rely on others to take care of her. Maybe it's just ego. Who knows.

I know I am tired.

Physically

Mentally

Emotionally

All of it. I am going to explode soon if I can't get it straightened out. I'll explode and hurt people I don't mean to.

Maybe I'll just run away and turn my phone off for a day. Not worry about other people's problems. I am not here to solve them.

Life begins to feel so normal. The routine feels safe. It's a nice feeling.

But it doesn't last. It never does ...

I'm not sure what's wrong, but it hurts. I have felt so good for what feels like so long. But now I'm not sure how to get back there.

I have found my person. Who makes me happy constantly, no matter what they are doing. As long as they're with me. I even got confirmation of their ring in the mail today, delivered and ready. No matter how much I think about it, I can't think of anyone else to be my number one.

Yet my brain still feels so negative. I feel like the breadwinner, the homemaker, the student, default parent, therapist.

I want to feel cared for, I want to feel like the number one priority. Communication has gotten better yet I don't always get better.

What's wrong with me. Am I just being selfish now?

It seems like communication is the hardest thing to learn for me. No matter how hard I try, I can't communicate well enough.

Or they just don't care.

I'm not even sure what's wrong right now, or what I want to convey. But it hurts.

My dreams only remind of the relationships I've lost. They remind me of the love I used to have, the love I could have had.

All the missed relationships and friendships, once I love someone I never stop. I used to think that was a good quality, now it's a painful one. I constantly dream of those I can't speak with anymore, the ones that have left me. The ones I had to leave.

What is it about me that attracts 'those' sort of people? I've been In therapy and actively trying to be a better person ... But I still attract people who only verbally care about me. I'm really hoping, needing, someone who will actively care for me. When I'm sick, when I'm sad, if it's been a hard day or just when they feel like it.

At this point I'd almost rather be alone again. But the feeling of being alone is even worse .... Nothing's ever good enough. Maybe it's just me, I need to lower my standards, be more understanding, I need to just stop thinking.

All I can say is, pay attention to the small things.

I feel like I'm always trying so hard until I'm not trying at all. I'll just give up and accept this is it, it doesn't get better. Fake it till you make it, facade, mask it.

What am I even saying. Doesn't matter, no one is listening anyways. Besides my therapist.

Back to sad songs and self destruction until my alarm for work goes off again. Reset, empty myself to start all over again.

Life seems so great, for awhile.

Then all the intensive thoughts break in again, im left overwhelmed. Forgetting how harsh they can be.

I'm left over analysing, correcting my every natural action to accommodate others in hopes they'll praise me. Love me. See me.

But no one sees me, no one makes accommodations for me. I'm left feeling the villain when I put up boundaries to protect myself. To lock out the intrusive thoughts again.

I miss so many people from my past. For various reason, some good and some not so good ...

But they meant something to me at some point and even with my shitty memory, I won't forget them. It's crazy yet completely understandable how people can affect and change a life so so easily.