depressed bitch

Man I forgot how this felt. Idk why I stopped, idk why I started again. I just don’t know, I don’t know why I did this but I want to keep going. I want to keep doing it, but maybe if I just get my fill tonight I can start over. Idk what to do

Tonight I relapsed.

One of those hair plastered to my face by dried tears and staring at the ceiling kind of nights

I know you don’t think about how I used to cut, but I think about it every day. I’ve told you I want to do it, but for you, if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind. I think you care but you don’t check in. Unless I bring it up you assume I’m fine and it hurts that you can’t see that I’m not okay. I wish you could understand

I am so tired of this. I can’t keep doing this. You’re the love of my life but I feel like you hate me. You get frustrated so easy and I need someone who is patient because I can’t help that I’m so insecure. I know you don’t want me and that’s okay but I wish you wouldn’t pretend. It makes me feel like I’m crazy and I can’t do it anymore. Please just love me again. I feel so alone

I don’t think you know how close I am to giving up. I am so close to going 3 years without cutting but I feel so bad and exhausted and drained and sad and I just want to cut. Please notice how much I’m struggling because I can’t do it alone anymore but I’m too embarrassed to ask for help.

I don’t know if I have relapsed or not. I haven’t cut but I’ve been bruising my arms and burning with lighters. I don’t know if I should count this as a relapse or if I have to see blood to consider it relapsing

Sometimes I just don’t know how to help you. And I feel so useless and I feel like you hate me because I can’t make you better but I just don’t know what to do

You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I’m just waiting for you to be taken away