this is peer abuse

Inspired by : @this-is-parental-abuse @this-is-arophobia @this-is-aplphobia @thisis-suicidism @this-is-linguicism @this-is-sexism @this-is-ageism @this-is-amato-heteronormativity and all other blogs from this series.

Info about mod under the cut.

What is peer abuse ?

Any repeated harmful behaviour directed at someone by their own peer group. It is often discussed in children and teens but it can and does happen among adults too. It's a pattern of physical, verbal, or psychological aggression intended to cause distress, harm, or gain power and control over a person of equal standing, or dominate, belittle or humiliate them.

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No bigotry or hate against any group

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In much the same way, please include a plain text version if you use coloured text for a paragraph or more tgan one sentence.

Please trigger tag at the beginning of your ask and don't censor words.

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Resources :

Irish pamphlet about peer abuse in adult safeguarding homes

Presentation about childhood peer abuse

Types of adult abuse (can all be apart of peer abuse)

Psychological abuse in the workplace

Peer abuse is that one "friend group" I thought I was in, actually never telling me that they didn't like me at all. And just ignoring my literal presence—not being invited to their hangout, sleepovers, and never having them come to my birthday despite inviting them, type of stuff—until for some reason they decided to spill the tea in highschool (been with them for a major part of elementary) and straight up saying that I hit them in elementary?? Like constantly? Me? The bullied kid? And how I was the problem because I was clingy, but also told the teachers how I was simultaneously abandoning them because I managed to get an actual friend group where I wasn't ignored?? And how they were the victims despite having countless opportunities to communicate with me and tell me that they didn't want me as a friend, but actually chickening out and purposefully ignoring me every day despite being literally around them all the time? How I even tried during that time to give them homemade gifts to try and get them to like me because i was desperate to keep their friend group and nothing like that had ever happened to me at that point? and also really really ignoring me when I was crying and hiding behind my chair, and they were literally not even five feet away from me.

Not to mention the cherry on top that was how two of them simultaneously messaged me with ten minute long audios of how I was never their friend and only stuck around around highschool (false, I literally had kindergarten friends there), how I hit them and was mean during elementary school and how I was creepy due to sticking around (because I thought I was their friend and they decided to never tell me until I literally asked)... On my birthday. Like specifically my birthday. To this day I still refuse to believe that's a coincidence.

Plus how I had to be the one to arrange a meetup to talk about it and fix things. After months of trouble. Just for only one of them to up, out of five people. And how the life long friend in question sorta asked me to stop hanging out with them, without any actual care for how I may feel or how the message might make me feel. Like not caring at all about how to properly talk to me, zero gentleness or consideration, just saying how they were pressured by the others complaining about me and how they didn't want to talk to me about it (despite being the ones that lied and spoke behind my back).

To this day I feel guilty because I don't remember my time in elementary school all that well, so I have no idea if I ever actually abused them as a kid. Which is the scariest part for me. I have no idea if they were lying about that. But at least I know that as of today, I have healthy friend groups that I can go to, people to trust, and that I'm a good enough friend despite the really really deep insecurities. I actually never really acknowledged it, but they most likely traumatized me in some social way and I get really anxious about whether or not I'm being a good friend.

(on a lighter note: the last time I spoke to them was when trying to make a goodbye video for one of our teachers that was retiring, about three years ago. And a couple of them got mad and screamed at me because I fumbled (got flustered, forgot my lines, stuttered) and had to make more than one take. (I'm really sensitive and often times cry if someone screams at me) Thankfully, I was there with my two greatest friends in the whole world, who were laughing their asses at me/pos, so I didn't feel that bad at the moment because we all felt like idiots lmao. We also got what we affectionately called "the great photo of shame", which is both of them losing their minds while I got red faced and hid in embarrassment.)

this is peer abuse (relational aggression and ostracism).

having fellow traumatized people around me treat my trauma reactions as 'misbehavior', be harder on me than anyone else (esp if i don't mask), act like I'm 'privileged' bc i managed to escape my situation which obvs means i can't say anything about my trauma now bc it's 'over', but then using their own trauma as an excuse for bad behavior and generally treating everyone else kinder if they're not me

being ignored in a group and having it be obvious they don't want you there but they don't have the decency to tell you to your face

having a group act like they (incl me) have to be one person's caretaker and allowing said person to be blatantly rude and mean to me in front of them-- things that if i did to the other person that person would suddenly act small and everyone else would lose their shit at you

feeling like they think you're obligated to be there for someone's call bc 'you don't do anything' aka 'we decided you don't have a schedule or a life outside the internet'

feeling like in a collaborative setting two people think you 'ruined' something you were there for at the beginning with a cringe character but they won't t tell you to your face

the feeling they're insulting you, making fun of you, and assuming you're a bigot behind your back

having them claim you're abusive and responsible for someone's mental health just bc you really don't want to be around them anymore. that person acting like you're the one who ruined their creative ambition and you were obligated to help them finish their 'magnum opus' all while also treating you like an idiot they're embarassed to be associated with. and having the audacity to feel pride in their autism while shaming you for when you're 'weird and embarrassing'

the blatant abelism and bullying i faced from people for my autism but disguised as 'we just didn't like you because you were weird and we're such martyrs for braving being around you'

thank god I'm not with these freaks anymore

What’s the difference between peer abuse and bullying?

Is peer abuse a group thing or can it happen between two individuals who are peers?

Is the pattern part of the abuse on the perpetrator(s) side or the victim(s) side or both? (I.E. is it peer abuse if someone/a group is repeatedly abusing, but the victim is a different person/group each time?)

Thanks for starting this blog! I find it really cool that you’re starting dialogues about this

Hiii <2 thank you for the ask :)

Bullying is a type of peer abuse and the most common one, but peer abuse is not limited to bullying ! Being purposefully excluded from things can be a form of peer abuse, a colleague stealing your work and passing it at their own, harassment can also be peer abuse.

It can be group or individual, like for example if it's the same person who pushes the same person down the stairs every day, it's still abuse even if it's not a group

I would say both as the pattern of behaviour is due to the perpetrator(s) and the pattern of harm happens to the victim. Like in either case they're abusing/being abused if that makes sense ?