muah

its weird because i know a week away from college ill be missing college. but i wont miss the academics. ill miss the people but i wont miss anything else. i went home this vacation and it was odd. its my old home and not my new one. i mdae the mistake of meeting my ex. the meeting was alright. just getting a glimpse of his life was not. im attached to him ways that i cannot understand. i dont love him but im attached to what he used to represent to me.

how do people have so much convresation in them? why are all the conversations so fucking annoying? i know im just being bitter. its not even that im not extroverted. i jsut think my ambivertedness is kicking in. i also feel empty. im thinking, should i be the person to indulge in casual intimacy. the last and first time that happened, i still feel shitty. its been a week. how do you frget that person entirely. i mean he said he wouldnnt ignore me in college but what do you knw lol. he literally did. thats what feels shitty. like im not saying we should do it again, i know we wont and i do not want to either. but atleast acknowledge my existence goddamn. fucked scenes i believe.

on top of that this week is looking terribly hectic. i have a research submission + 3 tests + 1 court room exercise + 1 intra ADR competition. this week im gonna try to eat less trash, and talk less trash and be around lesser people. god. fucking fuck bro. this is super exhausting and i need to start prioritising.

i feel like everyhting makes me feel, nothing. i feel nothing but weird despair for the work left and drained out from being aorund people that feel so fake and far away. i miss ******. i miss ******. i just want to find one person i can be good with. and i want to talk to more people. i know thats very contradictory from what i said before, but whta i meant before was that im sick of talking to the same old people and the same old jokes and conversations.

i guess im lonely too. i miss my brother. i really miss him. i feel like i just cant seem to get time to myself. im someone who just thinks and thoughts and thinks. but ijust feel so anxious and restless nowadays.

just got my first set of marks and im relly overwhelmed for reasons unknown. listening to people by agust d always helps. I love u baby. I got a research paper due next week but I'm also going home the day after my submission.

but

what i wanted to talk about was the guy i met at the metro. i was riding back home, maybe seven stations to go. by that point id been standing, and losing the empty seat olympics thus far, jostling a bit and trying to steady my feet as a result of the loss.

from the corner of my eye i see a space open up,between two men. i play this game with myself where i challenge myself to sit between two men in the metro. my act of microfeminism to a level id like to call it. i get to manspread, keep a bitch face, and stare back at all the men that stare at me. its the least aggresive thing one can do after being catcalled, gestured the most vulgar things a person can receive while walking on the streets, in my humble opinion.

as i sit down, my knees finally getting rest after having walked around six kilometres, i took out the bottle of water id bought from the streets. i drink the last few sips, and involuntarily make the sounds of my lip smacking followed by an 'aahh'. i smile to myself.

i wouldnt say i was snooping, but the man next to me quite literally had his phone face up, with full brightness, playing a song from an artist i like. he's wearing a shirt and jeans, with the signature bagpack that screams 'i work at another company that has saturated in the IT industry'. he wears frameless glasses, looks to be in his thirties.

i glance over a few times, just to check but also mostly to indicate to the man that i recognise this song. i cant stop smiling. its not often i find a similar taste in music, and even less often on a crowded metro of a city i barely know. id like to believe im a generally sociable person. in the sense that once a day somebdy asks me the direction to a place, instructions to some action. im also never afraid to help them, infact i love it.

i pull out my phone, excited to text my best friend of this news. she urges me to ask the guy and so i do. it goes something liek this

"hey is this xyz artist?"

he painstakingly removes his earphones. i know people get pissed when theyre listening to music and are disturbed. but i didnt care i nthat moment, i felt the need to know and know and know.

"uh, yeah" he gives me a small smile.

"do u usually listen to this genre?"

"yup"

and i know i shouldve backed off there. i nod with a smile and go back to updating my best friend. i tell her how i love people, these mundane things that form daily routines of every person, that makes them so... them. it warms my heart. its the same feeling i feel when i see children, or old people, or friends.

so i open my Spotify and suggest a song to him. he plays it on his phone, bobbing hsibheas up and down. I'm smiling more because I thjnk of how he'd have to pretend to like it even if he doesn't as much. he tells me he likes it and asks for another suggestion. so I put him on another artist.

"what are u doinf currently?"

"I jut graduated school. planning to join college in a month or two. what about u?"

"haha. in just another IT job." he tells me, with this tone of surrender and 'it is what it is". with some sort of uncertain and embarrasing finality in his tone. i see, I tell him.

we go back to listening to our own music. i don't tell him where in from, or where I stay. I know better not to indulge in those details. I don't even know his name and neither does he, mine.

I know I took him by surprise in the beginning. but I think I love tht about people. maybe it's weird or sadistic or creepy. but I love talking to people. I love getting to know someone. mostly. and he seemed harmless enough.

"well, if was nice to meet u!" he tells me before getting off his stop, ten minutes later.

"bye bye, you too!"

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