thin to win

Have to eat gluten to get tested

Had to eat much more bc of this

Am now 70kg

I think most is water weight and bloat

Am not thriving

Pls help

My ed is about 8 lol

God I wish I was done with this shit but it's only getting worse

There is like quite a large tw on this because idk what I'm gonna type yet but it's gonna be ranty and explain my different presentations in the past and present. There are dates for timelines but no mentions of weight (aside from title of highest, lowest, current)

Let's start with i am undiagnosed to the best of my knowledge (sometimes doctors here will diagnose you and not tell you). I have bounced between restrictive and overeating tendencies since I was about 12 (20 now) and it got super bad when I was 15. "Recovered" by myself (ie i weight restored after threats to be brought to a dietitian) but prior to this i was not eating much at all. I'm diabetic and would purposely make my blood sugar go low so I had an "excuse" to eat.

I've bounced moreso between over and under eating since aug of 2020. My highest weight made me so uncomfortable (Jan 2021), especially after being at a point where I was okay with how I looked. I would've liked to weigh less or be thinner but I wasn't overly unhappy.

Since Jan 2021, I've been struggling a lot more with thoughts of restriction but I can't seem to get to the same ability to restrict as lil 15 year old me. I know I shouldn't want to. I shouldn't need to. I just really want to get back to that weight. My body was fucked. I couldn't eat without my stomach hurting. I couldn't go to school without needing a three hour nap afterwards. I was so tired. My hair was falling out. My nails were so brittle that if I didn't bite them off, they'd bend and break. I was so pale. I was dizzy just standing up. But I was "skinny." I was "achieving" something. No-one noticed and if they did it was just my mam asking me did I want one scoop of potatoes or two. I had two other friends who were restricting at the time but none of us mentioned it to each other at the time. In my head we were in a silent competition. I wanted to "win" but they had a "head start" on me. I couldn't "win". I was the only one who had to be monitored regularly by doctors due to diabetes. I couldn't "win". It's fucked that a couple of 15 year old friends were competing to eat the least, but it's normal in an all girls school. You can pick out when someone's ed started, you can pick out when they recovered, if they did. Kids shouldn't have to go through that shit. Adults shouldn't go through that shit.

But with the new "trend" in bodies again I can't get over it. I wanna do it again. I wanna win. I'm an adult. With a job. I need to be responsible. I need to pay rent. I need to do my college work. I need to fucking survive but it's so hard. I've started overeating because I'm stressed and numb and depressed and Haribo fizzy jellies are the only things that make me able to think. With the sugar and the feeling on my tongue I'm either gonna not stop overeating or I'm gonna relapse into sh. At this point I want to relapse because it's easier. It's how I could win when I was younger. Things would be easier. Life would be straightforward. I'd think clearly I'd be able to control myself if I could control my pain.

Felt like shit cos I couldn't eat for almost two whole days cos I was puking

They loaded me up on fluids and glucose and idek what but I was so so swollen and puffy that when they weighed me (at night, after eating) I was 69kgs, despite being like 64kg the week before. Freaked me to out but I didn't wanna spend more time on the ward so I ate my way out (was bad food tho so I didn't eat too much)

Able to somewhat eat less

Cannot weigh myself

Feel like I lost weight

No idea

Wanna know

Hate not knowing

Girlfriend would not like me getting a scales

In other words

Think I'm done restricting

Parents got a new scales that shows muscle mass, bone mass, BMI, body fat %, everything.