Things I Shouldn't Remember

I'm 99% sure I have ptsd from my memories and I have no clue as what to do about it :))))

I've always been a quick learner. Clever and witted little boy alone in a dark stone city. Don't remember much of being so young. Not sure how I made it. Not sure how I succeeded at stealing at first. I'm aware I failed and took a few beatings from time to time, but I guess luck let me live. Maybe some God somewhere had a bigger plan. Who knows how the clockwork of the universe works. I do remember being young, sly and gorgeous. Smart whores are rich as they want, but I was never very ambitious. Too young and ignorant to know the things money could get me. Back then the money I made was for food, drinks and gambling. So clever and so stupid I was. Smart enough to convince people as I pleased, stupid enough to barely ask for pay. Then one day a woman tried to kill me for laying with her husband. Humans... always thinking they own things, always killing everything they fear, everything they don't know. I wonder what will be of them when they burn the world down. She never should have married a demon. I was scared and young and I somehow defended myself from the blade, took it in my hands and slit her throat. I didn't know I had fangs till then. I fliched when they cut through my gums, but it hurt so good. Blood was warm and lush and it made me dizzy. I already was a thief. I'd even been a sellthief a few times around. A great one, really. Fast, smart and cheap. I thought I was king of the world after that. When you kill someone you realize that that's it. Even souls are just a slit away from seizing to exist. (Well, there is a way to bring souls back, but that's a story for another time). I was invincible. Then one day I saw a man sleeping on a bench. Next to him was one of the most beautiful objects I had ever seen back then. A silver rod with a snake encarved into it and a small skull at the top. The skull's eyes had rubies in them and the snake's eyes were sapphires. The was beautiful, so beautiful. And it was right there. Next to a sleeping man. It so easy. Too easy. The second I touched the rod, I blacked out.

How old was I? Young enough not to clearly remember what happened I guess. Mother was taking me somewhere. I'm not sure, to meet someone. I'd never been to hell before, but it was dark and smelled of alcohol and blood. She was singing to me. She barely ever stopped singing. Her voice was as it should be, angelical. But even prettier than most angels, more delicate. I remember how she walked and seemed to be floating. She was very gracious. Then the singing stopped. And suddenly I was alone.

Heaven separates itself from the rest of the world with a golden fence and then a rock wall. You’d think anyone with wings could just fly over them, but no. If you fly, you’ll notice they are infinitely high. The only way in is through heavily guarded gates. It’s not impossible to get permition into the gates, but past them is only the border of heaven. The villages that rest there are of angels and few other worthy people. They say beyond the stone walls there is a temple where God himself rests peacefully. Where there is light of creation, so pure no soul could resist it. I wouldn’t know if it is true or not, for I have never been in there. So few have. And the ones who have, will never again. It is somewhat like the uterus of creation, I believe. There are only four beings that can enter freely. They are not archangels. They are something beyond that. Each of them have some power of creation themselves. Uriel, of Earth, of North. Raphael, of Fire, of West. Daniel, of Water, of South. Gabriel, of Air, of East. When it was said that man was made similar to the divine, it was not to God. It was to them. Our evolution is always reaching out to the angels. Now all is left are wings, halos, their eyes and power. But we have come off our path in nature and will become another obsolete species. Archangels are not angels. They are jobs created by the four. Any angel can become an archangel and any archangel can seize to be. There are twelve jobs: ~Aries - first occupied by Michael (Michaef), now occupied by Melysti. ~Taurus - first occupied by Belzebiel (Belzebub), now occupied by Aphroditi. ~Gemini - fist occupied by Klepothi (Klepoth), now occupied by Hermiel. ~Cancer - occupied by Lupiai. ~Leo - first occupied by Luciel (Lucifer), now occupied by Apoliel. ~Virgo - first occupied by Marci, now occupied by Ezekiel. ~Libra - occupied by Eriel. ~Scorpio - first occupied by Lilithi (Lilith), now occupied by Harashniel. ~Sagittarius - first occupied by Zoiel, now occupied by Virssai. ~Capricorn - first occupied by Sataniel (Satan), now occupied by Charstiel. ~Aquarius - occupied by Daiel. ~Pisces - first occupied by Belphegosi (Belphegos), now occupied by Aklyxi. I did not look anything up, it just all came to mind. I just get these informations and I don’t know what to do with them, so here.

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of weird stuff in my head. Apart from unlived human memories. I’m going to tag all of it with “spirit” and I’m going to start tagging my memories from this world “life, [place]” instead of only [place].

I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff. Some guidance...

I'm so scared that if I die it'll start all over, but I'm so scared it stops. How would I ever know when it'll end? What if after a million lives it's just darkness? What if it's just light? And a million lives? I can't possibly take all that. I remember less than ten and it's already overwhelming and harsh. Death was always so lovely, so sweet and yet so painful. It intrigues me, pulls me so close, but my desire for it stops at the edge of the abyss, for I know not what comes after it. I'm scared to move and I'm scared to stop, so I vibrate in fear of existing.

Turquoise around your neck making those pretty hazel eyes glow. And that precious smile on your face. Thank you so much. That smile was enough, but you gave me more and more. Brought me up to your height. Thank you. I'd've died so soon if it weren't for you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Snow, snow, snow was what her body was made of. Ice in her eyes and burns on her lips. Skin made of milk and a smile so warm. Hair like morning light, drapped in swirls on her shoulder. Ice grey and blue, burns red and swollen, dark, lush. The perfect name too. Winter. I do. Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I want to spend the rest of my days next to the most beautiful and kind woman I have ever seen? I'm sorry, Winter, darling, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you with eight pieces of me while I died for someone else. Thank you for being my best friend. My first bedding, my first all. I love you still, even centuries after. Winter, beautiful name. Perfect. You were perfect. So perfect I never thought you'd be the only one. So handed to me... so soon. I should have treasured you like the diamond you really were. I love you Winter, I love you, I love you.

The salty breeze had been normal for a long time, but when a cooler breeze from north came, it gave me chills. The snow was so far behing in my memory and those glassy blue eyes forever staring at the ceiling, frozen like the rest of the city. If only he survived a few more days we’d be free of that horid winter. If only he told me that he’d been hungry, he would have survived. But it had been long before I first felt the breeze and tasted the spanish beer and those spanish girls with their red lips and colorful dresses, they made me drunker than the alcohol. Then there was the one of them with reddish hair and frecked face and green eyes. Prettiest of them all. And our daughter was born with orange hair, so white and freckled and small and gentle and she grew so pretty with fire in her eyes and passion in her lungs. But how could they come with me? Ladies on a pirate ship? Never. I left them. I guess they never left me and I couldn’t take it. I started a journey to unknown places and sank the ship. The water was so dark and the salt ripped my lungs apart. It felt like the pink snow under my feet as a child. Bliss.

I was soaked from the rain when I entered my house and saw her. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Even now, centuries after, she's still the most beautiful to my eyes. My face grew warm and my words lost when I saw her. She was wearing skin that looked like marble and her lips were dark red as if frostbitten. Blonde hair so light it was almost the color of her skin and her eyes were as blue as her name. Winter. She was polite, well educated for the time and her cheeks filled with blood when I kissed her hand. I still remember the feeling of the warm metal band between my trembling fingers as I sliped it on her finger. If only I had fallen with her instead of him.

I watched the guards flick their wrists and waited 3 beats of my heart before shut my eyes and bracing myself for the snap and the hit. No matter how much it stung, I'd never scream, only hold in the pain while silent tears streamed down my face. And still I thank the Gods for this to have ended with the love of a merciful prince. A slave with an angel's name to end up with butter soft kisses of royalty tracing whitened scars. I had been so lucky.

No was the only word that came to mind when I saw the blood, then the knife around his limp body. The rest of the world faded away as I leaped towards him, taking the bloody corpse into my arms and rocking him gently. I hadn't noticed I was screaming, deaf and blind by pain. The body was still warm in my hands, blood silently pouring from the gash in his neck. Minutes before I got there he had killed himself over my betrayal. Minutes. Minutes. Minutes. Minutes. Minutes. Minutes. There were arms pulling me away suddenly and I was thrashing against them, wanting to be the one to feel the remaining warmth on his body fade into my fingers. When the rope was firmly put around my neck the same week, I had no more tears to cry. I looked to my daughter who would hate me forever and to my lovely wife who had been my bestest friend. The popping noise silenced the world painfully and I still feel suffocated to even think about it.

He smiled before letting go. He smiled into my eyes. I kissed his eyelids after they fluttered shut and it left a hole in my heart. It was a tangy ache and I smiled as the tears made their way down. I didn't leave the house that day. In the morning he had asked me to sing and my voice was raspy of age like his. He asked me to make his favorite salad even though he couldn't chew very well anymore. Then he asked me to stay with him and hold him. And before he smiled all he said was goodbye. And I didn't mind the ache in my back from staying too long with his head in my lap, sleeping forever now. I didn't notice the wrinkles in my hands matching his. And only in the morning did I stop brushing my fingers threw the cold strands of hair left and leaving trails of kisses on his cold skin. Like when we were young. The funeral was ever cheerful and warmhearted. The thought that I wouldn't have to miss him for too long filled the hole a bit.

The road was bumpy under the wheels of my red truck, if you could even call it that, and my hands were tight around the wheel. I hoped he would forgive me for not coming sooner. There was a smile on my face from the anticipation of getting to the lake. It was a surprise and there was a cooler filled with beer and sandwiches in my backseat. I cut the engine and trudded down to the lakeside where all his fishing stuff was. Some of it anyway and I didn't expect any different. He was probably spending his entire days in his boat. I squinted to see, but something was off. His boat was upside down and the lake was lifelessly still. Would he have drowned under his own boat if I'd come with him when he wanted me to? Would I have drowned too? God knows it would have been better than loosing myself in drugs to numb the guilt that weighs still on my shoulders.

On a rainy summer my father played a tune for us. He had promised to take me to the city when rain season was done. I needed to meet a woman to marry. On that night I was kneeled on a wooden log and looked outside through the glass window. The rain poured and there wasn’t much to see beyond a couple feet. Just darkness and rain.