thi nguyen

You’re that finally coming home feeling after my heart has been at war for so long.

““I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say ‘come here, it’s been too long, it felt like home with you.’””

I was fine when you told me you had to leave. Maybe fine isn’t the right word. I felt numb. I felt nothing. I felt empty. I couldn’t even get myself to cry. I went about my day as I normally would. Went to work, did a little shopping. It wasn’t until I laid down to sleep I realized that you weren’t in my life anymore.  It hit me. It hit me hard. I realized I couldn’t hear your voice as I was falling asleep like I was so used to hearing every night. I couldn’t see your face as you slowly fell asleep with me like I was so used to seeing every night. This was the moment I started to miss you. I missed your voice and how peaceful it was as you drifted off to sleep. I missed your face and how you would smile at me right before you closed your eyes. I even missed your snoring. The same snoring that I got so used to because it would keep me up all night. The same snoring, I never complained about because it was a part of you and I loved every single part of you. I realized that I won’t get to see your messy hair and sleepy eyes in the morning as you would wake up, smile and say good morning to me. I realized that I won’t ever hear you say my name again in that way that sounded so beautiful when it came out of your mouth. This was the moment I realized I won’t ever hear you tell me that you love me in that voice that calmed even the most chaotic parts of my soul. This was the moment distance became my greatest enemy. Every part of me wanted to get on a plane and fly to you. Every part of me wanted to demand an explanation for all my efforts that have now gone to waste. Every part of me wanted you to feel how I felt as I laid there in my cold, empty bed with a heart so heavy that it felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

When you left I was starved in more ways than one. My bones became so brittle that they rattled and broke every time someone said your name.