Always Working

I’m very busy with two jobs and summer classes currently. I need to find time to myself, I’m trying to force time to read, to relax, and to admire other creative experiences. I’ve been craving a return to my Greek-inspirations. I find myself wondering about my future, about my career, how to keep working forwards, how to support myself. I’m fighting with myself to find comfort in the areas I feel frozen. I worry I am becoming too passive when I need to be more active yet I find the road blocks more discouraging than anything right now.

I almost ended my own life a fear years ago, and recently I’ve been evaluating my relationships, who I care about, who I want in my family or the family I’d like to create. I have tokophobia, it’s uncomfortable to think about a family. I worry I do want a child, yet I currently can’t imagine it. I’m impatient and not always kind, I’m easily angered and petty. Yet I crave to care, to care about someone more than I care about anything else in the world.

Fish-hookers!

That is genuinely my nickname for them. It kind of started as two different jokes: one “anchovy-warriors” as my partner is allergic to anchovies and cilantro. I tied in the cilantro eventually to act as those feather berlesque-style fans. I then quickly forgot about them. The second was a word association drawing exercise starting with something from my job that smelled like fish then slowly evolving into the fish hookers I have today. They’re fun they’re silly and they can mean something or not.

“The Graces” 2024

Charcoal and graphite on paper 40 x 26 inches

Watercolor and colored pencil on paper (2025)

Unfortunately this piece is quite large and the messurements are not currently available. This is a triad piece with them nicknamed in order as rib and bow, offering (rabbits), and wrapping. I refer to the lower white rabbit as the younger sister, the top one being the older. This work was lossly inspired by a short one page story that was only a few sentences long. In which the rabbit asked its mother for the fox to stay for dinner.

My classmates and professor saw it as cute and a fitting selection for me as I was experimenting with illustrative narrative work, and connections through my work. I saw it for what it was. A small rabbit asking for a predator they loved to stay for dinner.

It reminded me of my own circumstances. I had gotten out of a bad breakup for me. The man I was seeing while he may have loved me, I felt as if the last year of our relationship was filled with insults and disrespect towards eachother but I felt like I had betrayed my own family, picking him over them. He had insulted my mother, perhaps trying to be supportive durring an emptional time where my reationship with her was strained, and my little sister. He insulted her and judged her in a way I could not defend but I stayed silent and didn’t stand up for her either.

While rarely this man had thrown objects when angry, drove me home while high nearly crashing his car, and he would insult me and yell at me. I was overly attatched and reliant on him in a unhealthy way that only made it worse, I was scared of him but I felt like I needed him more than anything in the world. I lost myself in him but I lost my connection to my sister too. I sheilded my sister from the abusive actions and insults but never left it for her. I was the worst person I have ever been so far when I was with him. My deepest flaws were taking over my life.

My goal was to show some of this internal turmoil, I imagined a fox, acepting the gift of rib and then slaughting the younger sister. Leaving the older rabbit with the bloodstained and ripped ribbon.

Here’s some of my fruits “Limeade” and “Mandarins” from last summer! I took an oil painting class last spring and found I really enjoyed it as a medium! It’s buttery smooth and mine dry enough within a day or two so I can go back and work without too much issue if I had made some previous errors. Personally I love adding some extra linseed oil for a super smooth paint so I can get delicate line work in. I also do like the blocky abstract shapes too so it’s been lovely to see how it’s impacting my artwork in other mediums.

I think it’s important to relax and do fun “unimportant” playful craft-life things. Personally I find it inspires a lot of future projects and keeps me flexible with my work. It’s a great way to follow your gut without feeling like you’re risking a mistake on a massive project.

So here’s my deco projects!

These are all Cookie Run Brave verse cards from their new TCG which I’ve been dabbling in.

Pond Dino is my personal favorite cookie! I think her face is adorable and I love the little forget-me-nots she’s decorated with and has as a pet. It’s my favorite flower to boot!

This is pudding a la mode cookie! I have to clean her up a tad but I focused a lot on making her look like she was mid-attack! I love how glimmers she is in real life!

Shine Muscat Cookie is one I pulled in a draft pre-release event in town. I’m not sure if she’s a good card but nonetheless, I loved the green and focused a lot on making the deco look like stickers while framing her thrown up arm! She’s a shining star in my book!

Last is my Champion Milky Way Cookie. We had some strange things happen with our game system at my store somehow assigning me second place when I technically should have been first? I’m not sure it’s above my head, Anyways he’s the least successful deco in my opinion. I love what I tried to do with the star on the arm-cannon thing, and I love the colors, but I don’t like the lack of movement in this.

“The Fawn” graphite on paper.