🧣

Udah.

Selesai.

Kita berhenti disini.

Pada akhirnya, semua hanya angan-angan. Nggak, nggak ada yang kesampaian. Nggak jadi nembak kamu dengan kue dan hadiah-hadiah kecil lainnya. Nggak jadi abadikan senyum manismu pakai kamera milik bunda. Nggak jadi nyarap bubur di pedagang kaki lima. Nggak jadi makan mi ayam-nya pakde Kadul yang ku yakin bakal jadi kesukaan kita. Nggak jadi eksplor tempat-tempat cantik bersama. Nggak jadi.

Nggak jadi.

Tapi seenggaknya, kita pernah ada.

Dunia pernah milik kita berdua.

but i want you

the world has gone quiet,

every desire thinning into ash

i don’t want to live anymore

and still

i want you.

i want you the way lungs want air

even after deciding they’re tired of breathing.

i want you.

i want to speak. talk. please talk. do you love me because you have to? do you love me because you must? because kindness trained you to stay, or because somewhere inside you, you choose me?

ian was right. i can't be the one, if you don't want me to be. no, the the truth i just found out hasn't reached my blood yet. i am an idiot who's falling for the projection of the past.

i remember how it ended

and forever will

we are doomed

and still

i want you

even as everything else lets go of me

SO GO ON

GET STRAIGHT ON YOUR KNEES

REJECT ME

NOT ONCE,

BUT AGAIN AND AGAIN,

UNTIL MY WANTING FINALLY LEARNS

cantik, apa kamu bisa dengar lirihan hatiku yang letih? sangat mandiri mencari. mudah sekali mencintai. sedang kamu terdiam sendiri. kalau terus-terusan begini, nanti kakiku sakit. kamu dimana? aku harus mencari. kamu dimana? aku nggak boleh diam disini. kamu dimana? enggan tunjukkan diri. kamu dimana? kamu dimana? kamu dimana?

sayang, iya, aku cinta kamu. sungguh.

kalau kita bersama lagi, aku mau dengar suara hatimu.

begini: aku mau kamu. hatiku masih buatmu. maka cintailah aku sekali lagi.

i thought i would see your sweet, bright smile every day

as we grew older

until our hair turns silvery-gray together

but i guess that’s it

that’s all we ever were

my bones are tired

my mind is heavy

my presence is fading

and you’re just standing there

so it must end here

we must end here

somewhere between who i became

and who you needed me to be

we lost each other

long before we said goodbye

I AM GREEDY AND NOTHING WILL SATISFY ME

so maybe we’ll do it right in another lifetime

but in this life

i let go of your hand

and the world kept turning without us

you’re the softest disaster i’ve ever had

and i’m grateful for that

they'd call me a masochist the way i blast december by neck deep in my tv just to relive the quiet ache of handing you my heart yet somehow you moved through it all like you never noticed a thing

YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK. YOU NEVER REMEMBER ME,

but i hope the debris of my heart you shattered cuts through your skin on a random sunday night at 12 a.m when your body pulls you awake without warning. oh how you'd hate it! the cold night breeze, the unbearably hot sun rays, every small discomfort you curse—may they carry my name. MAY THE EMPTINESS I LEFT BEHIND HAUNT YOU THE WAY YOU ONCE HAUNTED ME.

I'M SURE YOU'LL TAKE HIS HANDS, I HOPE HE'S BETTER THAN I EVER COULD'VE BEEN

he'll make you chocolate donuts when you're sad. he's so cute. he's— whatever.