I should have made the letter last night, slipped it into your mailbox an illegal prayer â I love you I love you I love you. Â But I did not. Â
Wrapped up in the things I thought important, I woke after dawn and worked to get that job you told me about- theyâre all over the city, you told me. Â Somehow youâre better at finding them than I am. Â My lateness was good, though, I met the owner, who liked me. Â I dressed the way you told me to, brought the things you recommended. Â You know so much more than I do, itâs always been that way. Â
In evening, I slunk into a coffeeshop where the barista hit on me several times as I asked about employment- âYouâre hired! Iâm not in charge, though. Â If I were, Iâd hire you, youâd be hired right now.â
Sweet but I donât think I even smiled. Â Not interested. Â Preoccupied. Â Distracted. Â
I roamed the internet and was vaguely productive- met with a friend who happened to be in the coffeeshop across the street. Â Walked him home and hung out for a bit. Â Had trouble paying attention- should have known something was off. Â I noticed only the cicadas- theyâd pulled themselves up from underground, crawled in the dark to the trees to shed their skin. Â To grow wings. Â
The toilet had flooded at the friendâs house. Â He scrambled around before kicking me out. Â He had to call his mother and didnât want her to yell over the phone when I could hear. Â I told you I was coming, I donât know if you saw the message. Â
Almost as soon as I arrived, you disappeared. Â One by one, everyone left, and I was in the living room with a sleepy half-drunk boy paying with a small cat. Â Endearing, but not exactly company. Â He was summoned to the back room, your new friend didnât even look at me. Â Thought maybe you were sad or talking, realized maybe you were throwing up. Â He came out eventually, told me they had it under control. Â I wanted to come in anyway, I donât know if I know how to handle those things, I just know I love you and I didnât like the feeling of uselessness. Â Of being extra flesh hanging around. Â
I came in at the end, you were already falling asleep. Â Your new friend seemed to think I was in the way. Â If they didnât think that, they acted as if they did. Â Maybe I was overreacting. Â Maybe I just wanted to take care of you. Â It was like they kept telling me no it was fine we have it under control.
Helped you to the car, I could do that much. Â Asked if it was okay for me to follow on my bicycle, to make sure you were okay. Â I was granted this. Â Paced around the apartment trying to remember anything that had been forgot- your phone, your bra, your glasses, your wallet, your water bottle you carry always. Â Brought the teddy bear and a change of underwear and some hair stuff in case you wanted to shower in the morning. Â
Held your hair back while you hung over the toilet- nothing left to come up. Â You started to cry a little and said you felt sad. Â âWe know, Thatâs okay,â he said. Â He left to ready the bed. Â
âI feelâŚthe color blue.  Iâm the color blue.â
âWhatâs it feel like?â
âSad. Â Not good. It feels so cold.â
For the first time in 5 years, I held your hand. Â Until you fell asleep. Â He made me leave the room. Â I would have liked to stay, to make sure you were okay. Â They had kept assuring me I wasnât necessary. Â Maybe I needed to be there for me more than for you. Â I wanted to be sure. Â To watch you myself. Â He made me leave the room.
âDid she say why she was sad?â I asked this in the kitchen.
âWell, when youâre drunk, you get sad aboutâŚeverything.â
I felt like it was my fault.
We tried to put a lamp together for half an hour. Â It was crap and then the bulb didnât even work. Â
He kept saying there was no reason for me to stay. I tried to explain I felt shitty.
âI feel shitty.â
âWhy?â
âTodayâs been a weird day.  First the flooding thing, and then everyone leaving and  I didnât know what was going on.  I feel like itâs somehow my fault.  Like I wasnât helpful, or I couldnât have been.â
âThereâs no reason for you to stay. Â You should go home, to your air-conditioned house.â
âIâd rather stay.â
âThereâs no reason for more than one person to be here.â
âI want to stay, just to make sure sheâs all right.â
âIâve got it under control. Â You should go home.â
âI want to stay.â
âWell, youâre not going to.â
âI want to stay.â
âItâs my house, and I can kick you out. Â Besides, in order to be comfortable, I am not going to wear clothes- since I donât have an air conditioner.â
âI could stay in here, apply for jobs.â
âYou can stay for a few hours, but then you have to go home.â
When I got home, there was a package on my door.
I knew it was from you.
But I was upset. Â So I left it on the floor. Â Wrote first. Â
When I opened it, I saw it was a book. One Iâd asked about- you had quoted it, and I wanted to borrow it to read it. Â You bought it for me, and sent it to my house. Â And I could not even write you a letter.