The Wild Virgo

It has been so long since I’ve pulled a single card for myself or done any type of reading for that matter. Today’s card: Seven of Cups

Look Imma be honest, there isn’t a more perfect card that I could have pulled for myself right now. A lot of going on, a lot of happening. I’m hiding things that I shouldn’t be. I’m won over by temptations. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore and I know it’s all going to catch up to me. Pulling this card is just proof of that.

I have many options and opportunities in front of me to choose from, but I am prone to illusion and unrealistic ideals. I’m tempted and attracted to this idea of opportunity and promises, more of everything that sounds appealing to me, but if I look deeper into the offer I may realize that it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. “Your ego may pull you in a specific direction, but it’s important to check in with your Higher Self first.”

“The Seven of Cups can be a sign of wishful thinking and projecting into the future about what I would like to create, rather than taking action here in the present to make it happen.” I do this, I have been doing this for a while. Daydreaming about my future, my perfect life, how I wish my life could be, but also how I’ve taken no steps to get me closer to my dream. There’s so much that I want. I have to remember that I can have everything that I’ve ever wanted, just not all at the same time. Take things one at a time. 

Ground my ideas into reality. Take them from my imagination and implement them into the real world. “Shiny object syndrome,” where I keep finding the next big thing, but never move out of the idea phase. The Seven of Cups is inviting me to move out of this phase of ideas and options and finally make a decision that is in alignment with my Highest Good. 

Often times I’m stuck in what I would call “Virgo Hell.” Or as my therapist would say “OCPD Hell,” which is a quite the spot on personality disorder for a Virgo. Maybe I’m stuck cleaning, researching, or collecting, either way the point is that I’m stuck. Stuck on the tiny details. For hours, for days, for weeks...I’m going on months. 

Feeling like I have to clean my entire house before I can sit down to get any work done, my environment must be *perfect* first. 

Caught going back and forth between two choices, researching the mess out of them and now somehow ending up with 5 more choices added on. Stuck in this research hell, unable to make a decision because I have to make the *perfect* decision.

Spending an entire day collecting all necessary data and materials before I can start a project. New notebooks, new pencils, new paints. I need the *perfect* materials or else I can’t start the project.

What is all this really...procrastination in its worst form, hidden behind a veil of perfectionism.

This blog, for example, I wanted to use to journal all my tarot readings, but I could never find the perfect time to clean my entire house and gather all my perfect materials and research all the perfect information and words to use...and that’s led me to do nothing, record nothing, journal nothing.

Photos I’ve taken of my readings piling up on my phone because I had to find to perfect time. Then there were just too many photos and I abandoned it all, even down to my daily meditations.

I’m going to try to break this habit of perfectionism, dismantle these restricting rituals I convince myself that I have to perform so I can have perfect results. I want to embrace uncertainty as part of my life experience. I want to unravel and get messy this 2019 year. 

Here is a reading that I decided to try on my friend, Michael. He has an idea in mind for a non profit that he would like to start, but isn’t quite sure how to get there. I used the “Success” spread. By the end of the reading, I caught a few sniffles from him and maybe an eye rub. He was a bit shy on words with what he thought of the reading, but I could tell that it affected him deeply.

Card #1- Major concern or obstacle Ace of Wands; expansion, inspiration “The Ace of Wands is a sign to just ‘go for it.’ This highly action-oriented card sees you feeling incredibly enthusiastic about pursuing a new idea or project that you have in mind.”

The energy of this card can also signify a restlessness or uncertainty as to how to proceed. He is bursting with energy of how to start this non profit idea. He’s eager to use his knowledge and skill to help people less fortunate. He’s never done anything like this before. Overwhelmed with emotion and unsure of where to begin.

Card #2- Current challenges and complications Three of Wands; envisioning the future “The Three of Wands indicates you’ve had continued support from others. With their help, you’ve formed a sense of self, of your values and morals. But now it’s time to rely on yourself for guidance. Clarify you goals, and cast others’ needs and opinions aside.”

By no means has he had an easy life, but he has stayed within his comfort zone more often than not. Skilled in many way, but stays inside the box because he is the top at where he is at and what he is doing. He has always been well supported by family and friends to this point. Now is the time to take a risk, a leap of faith. Collect all the knowledge he’s gained and start to build a new path on his own.

Card #3- Reveals hidden factors that you need to know affecting your current situation Son/Knight of Pentacles; loyal, quiet, dedicated “The Knight of Pentacles has the patience to accomplish all his tasks and he is incredibly reliable due to his sense of responsibility and commitment.”

He is the friend that others can trust with their life. He can be difficult to get to know and a little socially awkward. He has many friends, but only 1 or 2 very close friends. He is the person that his boss can count on to get the job done and to do it well. Being such a reliable and loyal worker, so much so that he loses sight of his own vision to keep everyone else happy. The job must get done.

Card #4- New ideas, people, or things that can help you grow further The Star; hope, peace of mind “This card suggests that you have endured life’s challenges and have been through a difficult time, but you are now open to healing and transformation.”

This card is an important card for personal transformation. It is time for him to open to new ideas. Embracing his growth and trusting himself will help him in taking the next step towards his dream goal. Be generous and share your wealth with others to help transform their own lives. Give back the blessings you have already received so that others may benefit.

Card #5- What you need to do to be successful or what you should avoid to fail Eight of Swords; trapped, powerless “This card reflects that you feel trapped by your own thoughts and perspectives.”

Feeling boxed in by the feeling of not wanting to let other down. So many people rely on him and that keeps him constrained to them. He feels stuck, like he can’t let them down or it’s all over. But everyone supports him, although he feels a victim to their wants. If he were to take the risk and face his fears, he will realize that he has the power to achieve. He keeps himself hanging here.

For my second reading, I decided to try a “connection spread” to get a deeper understand of my intimate relationship with my partner.

Card #1- Me Ten of Swords; ruin, rock bottom, melodrama “The Ten of Swords is often associated with feeling the ‘victim’ in a situation. You may feel powerless as something comes to a crashing and sudden end.” To finally admit to myself that I needed therapy was a big step. I really feel like I have hit rock bottom. It is not the worst that I have ever felt, but it’s a time where I know that I need to fix this now before I ruin everything in my path. I play the victim of my past a lot. I expect others to pity me because of the things that I’ve been through. There have been times where I will throw my traumas in someones face when I feel like I’m not being heard. If I keep playing the victim, I will never be able to gain control of my life.

Card #2- My Challenge Nine of Swords; dark visions, anguish “The Nine of Swords is the card of fear and nightmares. The troubles are primarily psychological, it is what is inside your mind that is creating fear and anxiety, not your actual circumstances.”

This is my guilt, despair, depression; it’s my BPD. I’m constantly in battle with myself in my mind. I’ve labeled myself a sick fuck with urges to hurt myself and desires to commit suicide. Sometimes I romanticize these urges. I think that this is me and how I’m supposed to be. I’m not deserving of more, this is my punishment and I let it consume me.

Card #3- The Other Person Son/Knight of Cups; artistic, introspective “The Son of Cups truly excels within the arts and he usually finds success within his field. His natural tendency to look inward adds to his charm and mystique.”

My partner is a very charming person, attractive to others. He possesses warmth, friendliness, and love and the need to share it with others. He has an intense high energy, a poetic view of life as he pursues his dream of acting.

Card #4- The Other Person’s Challenge Eight of Pentacles; craftsmanship, skill “The Eight of Pentacles is a card of apprenticeship. It is a time of learning new skills and a time of beginning something that one has not previously done.”

My partner has finished acting school and has been sending out auditions all over the place. He actually just finished a year long tour that he took with Marvel for a stunt show. He is working harder than ever to put himself out there and really hone in on his craft and find mastery of his skill.

Card #5- The Uniting Force Daughter/Page of Wands; visionary, passionate “The Page of Wands indicates that you are experiencing a creative restlessness within you that is just waiting for some sort of expression, or, you may be on the verge of some sort of new discovery or new phase of life.”

This card can also represent a woman going through a transformation or spiritual breakthrough. Right now, in this present, I’ve been focusing so much on my personal healing and spirituality. I’m passionate about my journey and I have grand visions of my future. My BPD has been the biggest sore on my relationship and I truly believe that my healing is the answer to many of my questions.

This reading marks the very beginning of my tarot journey. I decided to do a simple past present and future spread.

Card #1- The Past The Chariot VII; strong will, triumph “The Chariot represents conquest, victory, and overcoming opposition through your confidence and control.”

I was always very headstrong while growing up. I listened to no one and looked up to no one. I made all my own decisions and followed my intuition of what I wanted to do, I also faced all of the consequences head on. Everything I was told that I couldn’t or shouldn’t do, I did and I flourished. Driven, bold, dominant, confident. Sometimes a bit too aggressive.

Card #2- The Present Ace of Pentacles; prosperous beginnings “The Ace of Pentacles, like the Aces of the other suits, is representative of new beginnings, fresh energy, and inspiration.”

Here at 26 years old, I finally feel ready to start taking care of myself for the sake of my future. I am a seed that is taking root. I have to remind myself often to stay grounded. I have begun therapy recently for the first time and was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I knew for a long time that something was not right with me mentally, I begged my parents many occasions to let me see a therapist, but they always refused. It wasn’t something that they believed in. It led me to believe that I was a weak person if I needed therapy. Now that I’ve begun, I know and feel that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t regret not going any sooner, I regret nothing of my past, but I am so ready to sink my feet in and start appreciating my present for the sake of my future.

Card #3- The Future The Lovers; union, desire, joy “The Lovers represent perfection, harmony, and mutual attractiveness. Their trust in one another gives them strength and confidence to overcome the obstacles in life.”

This card suggests a beautiful and strong relationship on the horizon. I am in a potentially beautiful relationship now. Well, it is beautiful, but my BPD can really get in the way and skew these perceptions for me. I believe that with my fresh beginning of healing my past traumas, it will open the door way to being able to allow love into my life again. Love is the most important thing in life to me. It is what we are all seeking.