#perfectionsim

how do you have so much time to do everything?

i answer:

i don't! i did this during history today.

i laugh; you laugh.

hollow sounds.

//

you say:

i got a 96 on the bio test, what about you?

i say:

oh, i got an a-minus.

i know:

i got every question right.

but i'll lie if it makes you feel better.

//

i know:

i laugh and smile and say i'm fine.

and you think:

she's ok with lower grades

how is she ok?

i know:

i'm not.

For sure, here ya go

Often times I’m stuck in what I would call “Virgo Hell.” Or as my therapist would say “OCPD Hell,” which is a quite the spot on personality disorder for a Virgo. Maybe I’m stuck cleaning, researching, or collecting, either way the point is that I’m stuck. Stuck on the tiny details. For hours, for days, for weeks...I’m going on months. 

Feeling like I have to clean my entire house before I can sit down to get any work done, my environment must be *perfect* first. 

Caught going back and forth between two choices, researching the mess out of them and now somehow ending up with 5 more choices added on. Stuck in this research hell, unable to make a decision because I have to make the *perfect* decision.

Spending an entire day collecting all necessary data and materials before I can start a project. New notebooks, new pencils, new paints. I need the *perfect* materials or else I can’t start the project.

What is all this really...procrastination in its worst form, hidden behind a veil of perfectionism.

This blog, for example, I wanted to use to journal all my tarot readings, but I could never find the perfect time to clean my entire house and gather all my perfect materials and research all the perfect information and words to use...and that’s led me to do nothing, record nothing, journal nothing.

Photos I’ve taken of my readings piling up on my phone because I had to find to perfect time. Then there were just too many photos and I abandoned it all, even down to my daily meditations.

I’m going to try to break this habit of perfectionism, dismantle these restricting rituals I convince myself that I have to perform so I can have perfect results. I want to embrace uncertainty as part of my life experience. I want to unravel and get messy this 2019 year. 

Guilt Manipulators

Sin & Perfectionism

Despite the redemption promised by Christ’s sacrifice, Christians are expected to live lives free of sin. This is not possible of course, since so much is considered sin. Therefore, you must continuously repent and receive God’s grace. Each time you “sin” you are to acknowledge again your incompetence and gratefully ask for forgiveness. And because you cannot achieve perfection, you live with some level of guilt all the time.

The notion of personal responsibility in fundamentalism is a curious one. You are responsible for your sins, but cannot take credit for the good things that you do. Any good that you do must be attributed to God working through you. Yet you must try to be Christlike. When you fail, it is your fault for not “letting the power of God work in you.” This is an effective double bind of responsibility without ability.

Hey sorry for the delay in answering :) Hope you are still around to read my response

It was a lot of things … a large part was realizing that it didn’t work for me and it didn’t work with the people I was inpatient with. 

Honestly, seeing other people inpatient dealing with it was a big wake up call. Like, obviously none of them wanted/planned to be inpatient so whatever they were doing wasn’t working. And to realize that unreasonably high standards were a part of why they weren’t achieving what they wanted at all was really powerful. It’s a lot easier to be objective when talking to other people, and if one if your friends is torturing themselves over something that is still pretty good, or doesn’t even want to try for fear of failure you just want to come over and be like, hey, it’s ok! And I was able to learn a lot from that.

Another big thing for me was just deciding what I valued. That was something that I thought a lot about at the time, and I just kinda decided that being a happy stable person was more important to me than any kind of achievement. Because I had experienced years and years of misery and I finally decided that you know what, I would rather be happy than perfect. I think when I was younger I would have insisted perfection was more important, but I realized that wasn’t the way to live my life.

So, You Want to be Perfect?

So, you want to be perfect? How’s that going for you? Unfortunately, many struggle with being a perfectionist. They want to be perfect at everything they do, or at least, appear to be so. Unfortunately, the more a person attempts to be perfect, the further away from perfection he or she becomes. Perfection is impossible with everyone; except One. His name is Yeshua, Jesus. He is the only Person on the planet Who was, and is perfect.    Colossians 2:9-10 For in Him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in Him, which is the Head of all principality and power.    Colossians 1:27-28 To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory: Whom we preach, warning every man, and teaching every man in all wisdom; that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus.    It is important to understand our perfection is only found in Jesus Christ. Apart from Him, we’re incomplete. In fact, those without Him will never experience what it means to feel whole. It is rather difficult to feel it when there is a God-sized hole in one’s heart. Our perfection is positional in nature. It cannot be obtained by our efforts. It must be received by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.

You Cannot Perfect Perfection

When a person tries to perfect perfection, if you will, he enters into the realm of pride, or operates out of pain. Perhaps, both. Pride is an obvious culprit, which was present at the Fall (see Genesis 3:1-7). Some fail to recognize their drive comes from wounds they suffered. It’s the compensation caper. Sometimes, pride will team up with pain. How many people set out to prove they are not worthless to those who belittled them? Perhaps, they experienced rejection from a parent, because they did not perform up to his or her expectations. Maybe their peers never welcomed them into their inner circle, because they were considered losers for whatever reason. Pride will harness the power of the emotions, while pain will harness the power of pride to suppress those emotions.    Even though some may have received Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, they have yet to embrace their new identity in Him. Thus, they try to create an identity made in the image of their imagination. In some cases, they try to do extra credit in order to be “good Christians.” Often, they become self-righteous.    As a sidenote, it’s easy to feel resentment toward those who fall under the self-righteous category. Ironically, one might detour into self-righteousness themselves, as they find themselves judging those who judge others. Think about that one. That being said, perhaps, it would better to err on the side of compassion. Deep down, many of them suffering, need healing, but do not recognize it. Self-righteousness is all about feeling superior to others in order to mask the real them. Hello, hypocrisy!    Basically, they fall in the works trap, which have no real value, even though others may benefit. It’s not based on love; it is based on approval from others. They want to be admired; therefore, it is inward focused. That’s an easy one to fall into. The question is, who are they actually seeking to glorify?    1 Corinthians 13:1-3 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing (NASB).    Why do Christians seek glory, when they already have it in Jesus Christ. In fact, He actually gave His glory to those who belong to Him.    Romans 8:30 Moreover whom He did predestinate, them he also called: and whom He called, them He also justified: and whom He justified, them He also glorified.    John 17:22 And the glory which Thou gavest Me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one.    When a person works for it, seeking perfection on their terms, they fall from grace.    Galatians 3:2-3 This only would I learn of you, Received ye the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?    Galatians 5:4 Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.