hi im your cat do you mind if i touch your coffee. do you mind if i put my whole foot in your coffee

[ID: the spotify smart shuffle button /end ID]

In high school I was voted most likely to be tormented by spirits

*seductively* would you.. be interested in doing a unfunny bit with me sometime.. just the two of us..

a customer returned a drink because a fly flew into it and said: “one of your flies flew into my drink” and my coworker was so confused that they just said: “…my fly?”

you said this is normal weed, why am i becoming a beast under the moonlight

some of you sick fucks were probably glad when austin lost his mojo

Cats are great for when you want a little freak to slink around your house

I’m a magician in the sheets 😏 *pulls a rabbit out of my pussy*

-Mary Toft, 1726

Hold on I need to look something up

What

yeah. sorry

I put a smell on you

cats when they headbutt you

if Candice has a picture phone why did she never just take a photo of what phineas and ferb were doing and text it to her mom

if she did this doofenshmirtz would just be like you see perry the platypus i sold my old computer at the pawn shop but i forgot to delete all those embarrassing photos from the christmas party, which is why i’ve invented the pixel-replacinator! and then as candace is going to text her mom the photo the phone gets hit with the beam and she looks down and she’s just texted her mom a photo of doofenshmirtz in a sexy elf costume or smth. candace can never fucking win the universe bends to facilitate her psychological torment

so annoying when zombie media doesn't call them zombies. ppl were calling that dude that did bath salts and bit someone a zombie and it was just one guy and you're telling me ppl would see hoards of undead cannibals and go "omgg these guys are crazy..they're like freakers or something.."

being in yr 20s is like every day is a Try Not To Spend 40$ Challenge and i keep losing