vent space -- do not reblog my original posts

I hate that my ex is happy. Where the fuck is your lesson?

i guess this is part of living and getting onto the path of making deeper connections and relying on people and opening up? i guess it was always going to be really really painful but  i wish i didnt miss her so much i just want ot see her i just want to talk to her it hurts so mjch and i dont know why tonight its so bad its so bad i just want tosmeone to take care of me i want to feel relief at telling someone the last time i felt that was when i was a kid and then i started to bottle it all up and it fuckking rotted me away and now i have to try to figure this out on my own i dont

the one person i could be honest with is gone and i still hate myself i dont ?? i hate how i spoke to no one and i didnt let on to anything and i got hit by that fucking car and everyone forgot about it like my pain doesnt matter but its only beccause i refused to make a big deal out of it because i didnt know how and now i hate that i hate not telling people it doesn’t feel good anymore it just feels lonely and the one person i talked to is gone i miss marta more than i have ever missed anyone i dont know how to deal with htis i mis her i miss her so smuch and im starting to fforget the conversations we had and its too much i dont want to forget i dont know what to do i mean will this pass? i need it to pass. it doesnt feel raw all the time anymore but at times it does like now and it feels so bad its so bad i dont know what to do i mean obviously im just going to carry on and try and grow by myself but i refuse to be that person who ssays their ok when theyre clearly not for no fucking reason other than they dont know how ill fucking try to find a way because i cant be that person 

its unfair i was cut off from seeing marta its unfair my ex gets to move on and i’ve only just begun to see real results in my recover after four years its unfair they get to be free and i got to be buried 

really just want to cry in someones arms 

i cant stop crying 

im just getting upset about imaginary things again

i struggle so unbelievably with being honest about how i feel i know i would drive someone up the fucking wall if i was with them because i hate that in other people it seems so simple to tell the truth but its so fucking hard i hate living like this 

my fear of letting anyone else in is just really hitting me full force tonight. 

all i know is that my abuse n upbringing has developed this complex where i have to be seen to know exactly what im doing at all times but im still hopelessly lost and unable to ask for help because im afraid of caring about anyone too much because all that’s done is facilitate manipulation and abuse

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