The Shaft

Sometimes I wish I was actually suicidal instead of just idealizing it and just ended it man, instead when I experience extreme anguish I get the overwhelming urge to just hurt myself, basically make it worse. My heart is heavy and I just want to tear into my arm with my knife or punch something until I bleed or tear my hair out or scratch myself or hit myself anything to not feel so hurt in my head. I’m so alone, the only person I think I’d trust with this more personally, I don’t want to burden. They have so much going on themselves.

The urge to self harm hasn’t been this strong in a while

God I’m such a piece of shit

every time i finish watching a lesbian porn I always reflexively say good for them

I’m so alone, but I am a good person I know. I’ve yet to meet anyone truly like me. They say opposites attract but I don’t really see that being a good thing for me. I want to meet a cute girl who’s like me to truly be unalone. I hate myself for being alone. I’m sad and drunk. Fuck you.

I have a really rough time figuring out what I am or who I wish I was. I feel like I’d have been happier if I was born a woman or maybe I just think people would like me more if I was one. I love yuri but can’t be super public lest I get criticized for fetishization and while I certainly enjoy nsfw I think love between girls is so sweet. I wish I could just shape shift to try things out but that’s a pipe dream. I’m afraid I guess of being honest because I fear my issue isn’t that I wish I was a woman but that I really dislike my body. I’m so envious of androgynous people that can present as whatever gender they feel they are. I cross dress but I think it might just be as a joke I don’t want to admit is one. My body has hair pretty much everywhere except where I want, my hairline started to recede when I was about seventeen. Fucking seventeen. Everywhere else there’s hair so unless I constantly shave my entire body, which is time consuming and stressful for an already depressed person, I can’t convincingly dress as a woman; and that’s not even considering my clearly masculine voice. I just feel gross, liking yuri as much as I do. I think I might be bi curious because of very feminine guys but I think that’s just me pushing to be apart of the LGBTQ community so I won’t get criticized for my love of yuri. I’m just so upset constantly. What am I? What do I want to be? I just want to feel at peace with myself.

Well I’ve legitimately thought/think I might die tonight at my fathers hands on a gun. I’m scared. Very scared

I hate my existence

I’ve cut myself in the past because I was curious and didn’t really feel any particular emotion but my life is so bad right now that I can’t help but inflict physical scars since that seems to be all old people care about not that walking around saying “hey look at these!” It’s a confusing thing. I’ve always wanted to die but in a “I wish I wasn’t born” sort of way never “I want to kill myself”. But it eventually turned into being alright with being killed in an accident or by some ailment; going to bed and never waking up. Now its to the point where I do think about slitting my wrists or hanging myself. The only thing keeping me here is my outrage, my anger and a lust for revenge if I lose that I don’t know what’ll happen. I don’t like this.

Well I wrote my suicide letter today. I am very sad. The only thing keeping me here is my anger, my outrage. My hatred for those who’ve abused me is strong

Would the urine equivalent to fat dumps be massive pours?

I feel as though my issues and sadness are seemingly so unwarranted that I feel like I’m unworthy to even exist if I can’t even deal with such things. I just cut myself for the first time in long time and I’m so confused as to why I did/do it. I just feel bad. It’s not just difficult to get out of bed because that implies I actually managed to get out. I don’t. Is it my genes or something else that molded me into such a sad specimen.

Why is men peeing while sitting down so stigmatized? It’s such a nonissue and it drives me nuts