ASPIRING KNIFE WIFE 🔪

Wtf I ordered a 4AM pesto pasta and requested "red pepper flakes please!" Now usually they add a couple of flakes here and there, but this time they so perfectly drenched the pasta that there were more red pepper flakes than sauce. I couldn't eat it. It was so damn spicy. My poor mouth was afire.

Amazingly, they also added a separate container of red pepper flakes in the bag. It's almost like a prank. How much red pepper resentment could they stuff into one order like Jesus Christ.

So I walk in, right. I see floor to ceiling Diptyque. I’m like yes good I shall text my partner this is basically their wet dream. But I get handed an opaque bag to jail my phone in while I shop because there’s a no-photo policy. Great. I can't text without exiting the store and re-applying for a waitlist ticket. And there's now a m a d l i n e outside and a 45 min wait time.

So I'm stuck. I'm like oh no. I hear people say “EDT” but that’s a security company. My MO is to grab whichever fragrance has the least number of boxes left and assume it’s the most popular. I pick something called Do Son. What the hell is that. I look at the back of the box, no description. I turn it again. And again. There is no description anywhere.

So I ask l some rando who’s picked a box with enough conviction to justify a tap on the shoulder. He’s like, I don’t know anything about this shit, find Erica. I'm like who's Erica. Erica's this lady who happens to be shopping here who Knows™ fragrances. She's in a striped blue shirt.

Ok bet. I find Erica. She looks appropriately suspicious because I know her name. But I explain and she gets excited. I gotchu, she says, what have you picked so far? I show her the Do Son. Get this shit outta here, she says, the floral note is divisive. Ok damn, Erica.

I know she’s the shit because she’s describing fragrances using words like “oud” and “base note.” It takes her 5 minutes to help find 3 fragrances that suits both me and my partner. Heck yeah.

I line up for check out. I get rung up and oh my god, each one of these tiny bottles is $70. So much more expensive than expected. And I have no idea now much of a discount I’m getting.

I pay $220 and walk outside. With trembling hands I open the Diptyque website and check the regular price.