The UPFL

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2016/07/derek-carr-will-never-be-favre/

Derek Carr Will Never Be Favre

“All I ever wanted was to be a gunslinger. All I ever wanted to be was Brett Favre.” These words were spoken by Derek Carr just days after comments by Favre in which the NFL legend commented that he thought Carr was “too polished” to be a gunslinger. Carr, the quarterback of the Oakland Raiders, has received praise since he took over as quarterback for being a promising young man that many believe can bring the Raiders out of their 700 year slump and possibly even get them to the playoffs. A place the Raiders haven’t been since Carr’s grandparents immigrated from China.

The promising young quarterback began a downward spiral shortly after it became clear that his career was not quite the same as Favre’s, and probably never would be.

“He just called me out of the blue one day and retired,” stated Raiders GM Reggie McKenzie. “I was shocked. He said his body had taken a beating over the years and it was time to hang it up. He called me back 8 minutes later and said he wanted to play. He said he felt he had another year in him.” McKenzie went on to state that the 25 year old quarterback called him 8 times to retire and then change his mind.

From there it only got worse. Carr allegedly began calling Raiders owner Mark Davis, making wild claims and asking to be traded to the Jets. “He said he once sneezed in my coffee,” noted Davis. “It was a weird remark and I just kind of laughed. Thought he was messing with me. He got mad about that I guess and told me he doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. I just told him to sleep it off and hung up.”

The worst, however, came a day later when he attempted to send inappropriate photos to Sports Illustrated columnists, similar to what Favre did with Jenn Sterger.  Carr’s first attempt was sent, not to Jenn, but to Don Banks. “I didn’t even do it right,” remarked Carr, “I was too nervous to take inappropriate pictures of myself so I just stood there in my bathroom wearing spider-man pajamas.” Don Banks commented on the incident saying, “It was a little weird. I could see it was Carr taking a selfie. Not sure how or why he had my phone number though. I asked him to please stop sending pictures of himself crying.”

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2016/07/pokemon-go-to-oakland-coliseum/

Pokémon GO ...to Oakland Coliseum

The once great and powerful Oakland Raiders have fallen on hard times of late. The Men in Black haven’t seen a winning season in 14 years and have only had 6 winning seasons in the last 30 years, with the same number of total playoff wins and none of them leading to a Super Bowl win.

Understandably, the Raiders have struggled to fill their once fearful stadium. Other than the Rams in 2015, a team now in Los Angeles, the Raiders had the lowest attendance record in the NFL compared to their capacity. That is until the new Pokémon Go crazy began sweeping the nation. Over the last several days, Raiders security noticed a large number of people, all of them carrying cell phones, were jumping security fences and walking around the stadium and even onto the field.

Rather than having the trespassers arrested, however, Raiders owner, Mark Davis, made the decision to fling open the gates and invite the enthusiastic and sort of gross Pokémon Go enthusiasts into the stadium, even going so far as to release a statement to the press encouraging all Raiders fans to join in the fun.

To the excitement of the Raiders management, over 55,000 people made their way to the stadium throughout the day, beating the average attendance record in 2015 of 54,613. “Football has been a complete waste of my time,” remarked Davis.

Not everyone is happy, however. James Cooley, manager of concessions said he’s tired of people walking into him with their faces buried in their phones. “Not even kidding, if one more person walks into me I’m going to reverse dragon kick them right in the throat.” Despite his dissatisfaction, concession sales are up 45% and Davis is a happy man.

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2016/07/calvin-johnson-speaks-out-about-pain-killers/

Calvin Johnson Speaks Out About Pain Killers

In a heart wrenching tell-all to The UPFL, megastar Megatron reveals the devastating reality behind players and trainers, specifically in regard to the use of painkillers. Here is the transcript of our conversation with Mr. Johnson.

UPFL Staff: Calvin, thank you for speaking with us

Johnson: What’s in my hand?

UPFL Staff: Mr. Johnson, as a veteran player, can you give us an idea of the abuses you witnessed inside the NFL in regard to pain killers?

Johnson: Something stinks in this house.

UPFL Staff: Thank you. Have you ever been given pain killers?

Johnson: I think I cried today but I’m not even tired.

UPFL Staff: I’m so sorry to hear that. Are you okay?

Johnson: Does prison really have Dementors?

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2016/07/cowboys-add-major-additions/

Cowboys Add Major Additions

In light of the misfortune that has befallen the Dallas Cowboys over the years in regard to player injuries, in addition to the owner and general manager’s penchant for drafting players for the IR, the Cowboys have made the decision to build a state-of-the-art hospital right on the property. “From an economic standpoint, it just makes sense,” commented Jerry Jones. “With the amount of injuries we project to have, it just makes good sense to build a hospital right on the grounds.”

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2016/07/clinton-staffer-responsible-for-saints-blunder/

Clinton Staffer Responsible For Saints Blunder

QB Conner Shaw, released by the Cleveland Browns is at the center of a massive blunder by the New Orleans Saints. According to reports, the New Orleans Saints jumped at the opportunity to grab the QB and put in a claim for the 24 year old quarterback. Except they didn’t. They instead released the claim to all 31 other NFL teams. Shaw ultimately was signed by the Chicago Bears. Since this time the football world has been trying to piece together how such a massive blunder could have occurred. New Orleans Saints owner Tom Benson released the following statement.

In hind site, hiring Bryan Pagliano (the Hillary Clinton staffer who was tasked with setting up the Secretary of State’s email server) maybe wasn’t the smartest idea.

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2016/07/patriots-decline-to-sign-kevin-durant/

Patriots decline to sign Kevin Durant

Reports began to pour in over the wire on July 2nd of the attempts by the Patriots to woo basketball super star Kevin Durant to Boston. The reports, accompanied by photos from Twitter, indicated the Patriots pulled out the big guns to get KD, sending none other than number 12, Tom Brady. Julian Edelman even got in on the fun posting pictures of himself in Durant jerseys.

From the fans, to the history, to the amazing city itself, Boston is best place to play hands down @kdtrey5 🍀35🍀 pic.twitter.com/jZO65KUsiS

— Julian Edelman (@Edelman11) July 3, 2016

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2016/07/too-early-week-1-predictions/

Too Early Week 1 Predictions

Week 1 Predictions

CAR @ DEN

The big question is, has Cam stopped crying? The obvious answer to that question is no. He hasn’t stopped crying. Week 1 against the Super Bowl champions and, for the most part, the exact same team, isn’t going to help things very much. Sorry Camilla.  Get it? Camilla is like Cam but it’s a lady’s name. Cause he cries like a small woman.

CAR 17 DEN 24

  MIN @ TEN

1 of only 2 teams get amass 3 wins all season last year, the Tennessee Titans are quite terrible. Home field advantage will do very little to stop Adrian Peterson from running wild. Neither will DeMarco Murray for anyone wondering.

MIN 19 TEN 6

  Chi @ Hou

This one was tough. Bad QB vs unproven QB. Bad RB vs unproven RB. Hopkins… but Jeffery.  See what I mean? That being said, J.J. Watt is a monster, Clowney is destined to break out at some point, Vince Wilfork is a monster, and Cushing is sort of crazy. In a good way. That and it’s Houston in September.  Actually it really isn’t that close is it? No it’s not. Never mind.

CHI 10 HOU 20

CLE @ PHI

If I have to explain the score to you, you don’t watch football. I’m not sure what brought you here. Thank you, though, for checking out the site. You should watch football sometime, it’s actually a lot of fun.

CLE 3 PHI 28

BUF @ BAL

Oh boy oh boy! The Bills season is looking up. The Patriots season is in question after losing their compulsive cheater of a QB Tom Brady, and now they get to play a 5-11 team in week 1. Could life be any better for the Bills in 2016?

That is unfortunately the last thought that will go through the minds of Bills fans when they watch the Ravens dismantle the Bills in a way that could only be described as violent… and sort of beautiful. You see, what the Bills fans fail to acknowledge is that the Ravens BENCH went 5-11. Not the Ravens. Flacco, was out with a torn ACL, Steve Smith lost his season to a torn Achilles, and Forsette was out for the year with a broken arm… They aren’t hurt anymore. They will actually be playing football in week 1.

When you combine the delusion the Bills will have about being able to trounce a terrible team with the rage pent up by the Ravens (mostly Steve Smith Sr. He’s an angry little man) it’s going to end up being one of the worst beating of the season. Count on it.

  BUF -5 BAL 90

SD @ KC

There is nobody on the planet that believes Jamaal Charles is going to make it all 16 games. Even Jamaal knows his time is limited for the 2016 season. That said, he should be able to make it through the first game and when that guy is able to touch the ball, it’s scary.

“What about Joey Bosa?” If that thought went through your head at any moment please stop watching football. In fact, walk away from your computer and kindly ask your wife to kick you really hard in the eye. I’m sure she’ll do it. She hates you. Everyone hates you.

  SD 13 KC 24

OAK @ NO

Turn on any channel which houses a collection NFL experts and those no nothing morons will tell you that this game features an up and coming, Super Bowl bound super power versus an offensive powerhouse headed by an elite quarterback.

A more reasonable analysis of the game would be, two 7-9 teams will try not to be quite so terrible this year. Unfortunately, neither team will be able to figure out how to win. They both lose this game.

  OAK 0 NO 0

TB @ ATL

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Atlanta falcons twice in 2015 and many feel the Buccaneers look to start the season the same way they ended last year.

HAHAHA… oh man. That’s pretty good. No, no that won’t happen. Matt Ryan will not be outplayed by Jameis Winston, Mike Evans will not outperform Julio Jones, and Doug Martin will not out-thump Devonta Freeman. Not in the Georgia Dome. No sir. Defense Shmefense TM .

TB 13 ATL 45

CIN @ NYJ

The Jets strategy to success has become clear. Find a sub par team (Bears) and hire all of their over the hill talent. While there is still some game left in their….game… the two players (Forte and Marshall) are both in their thirties. Such a strategy is typically reserved for teams like the Patriots that are knocking at the door of the Super Bowl and simply need a boost. The Jets are barely at the door of the playoffs. As dumb as this is for the long term success of the team, however, it does have short term benefits, especially before week 6 when Marshall’s arthritis starts in and Forte breaks his hip.

The Bengals are a good football team. They have been for many years. They will almost certainly make it into the playoffs and lose. It’s a tradition at this point. For that reason, a throttling in week one will be good for them. Helps to prepare them for the inevitable heart break to come.

CIN 17 NYJ 27

GB @ JAX

There are four things to consider when picking this game. First would be that Rodgers struggled to move the ball last year. Primarily it’s the fault of the receivers but there were times when you began to run out of excuses for him and started to wonder if he was loosing him mojo. Second, Lacy struggles to lay off the Fritos, and third, Florida in September for Wisconsinites is like a spider in my daughters room; very slim chance of survival. The fourth and final thing to consider is to not be an idiot.

Rodgers= Hall of fame bound Lacy= Thor’s hammer Jordy Nelson= White lighning Packers= perennial Super Bowl contenders

Jaguars= They were pretty good that one year

These are the facts we have to work with. Sorry Jags.

GB 24 JAX 14

MIA @ SEA

Without Marshawn Lynch, the Seahawks are bound to find out they have a pretty good tight end on their team. It may take them a quarter or so to realize that running and defense aren’t the only option available to them but once they figure it out it’s game over.

The Dolphins paid quarterback money to a defensive tackle. That is still the dumbest thing that has ever happened in football and, as a rule, stupid teams tend to lose. I will never let that fact go and I hope they never win another game again.

MIA 3 SEA 21

NYG @ DAL

The Giants will take this game by a thin margin. Having ODB helps tip the scales. Overrated Ezekiel Elliot, on the other hand, contributes no points, gets benched, gets fired, and gets a job he can actually handle. Probably something stupid like consulting.

NYG 14 DAL 12

Det @ Ind

The Lions lost a massive part of their offense. Actually they lost their offense… Still, the Lions should be able to stumble into 10 points as they figure out how to play football without the patented “throw it up to Calvin Johnson in triple coverage” play.

Andrew Luck will be back to his old self. Detroit is terrible. The end.

DET 10 IND 67

NE @ ARI

Tom Brady is amazing. He can win games being the only person on the team with any talent at all. That being said he is also a compulsive cheater and as such he’s suspended. To make things worse, they have to play the Cardinals. This could (will) get ugly.

NE 0 ARI 35

PIT @ WAS

Considering it’s week one there is roughly a 65% chance that injuries and prison won’t plague the Steelers. If the stats hold true, and Bell can lay off the pipe for a week, the Steelers should be able to demonstrate how incredibly dominant they are.  Between Big Ben itching for another 5 TD week and Le’Veon looking to take the title of “Glimmer Man” from Steven Seagal, the Steelers should have no problem putting up at LEAST 50 points. Washington did end the year on a high note in 2015 by sneaking into the playoffs and, at times, looking like a real football team. For that reason I’ll credit them with an admirable 28 points.

PIT 52 WAS 28

LA @ SF

Week 1There couldn’t be a better example of a team on the rise and a team falling apart. The Rams have a new city, a new flashy stadium set to open in 2019, a new hot shot QB, and a second year RB that is drawing comparisons to Adrian Peterson. All of this was added to one of the better defenses in the NFL. Regardless of Goff’s talent, Todd Gurley is talented enough to ensure at least 2 touchdowns against the 49ers. I’ll credit Goff with 3 extra points.

The 49ers, on the other hand, are the worst. Kaepernick is a garbage heap. He managed to muster a 47.1 QB rating and get benched in favor of BLAINE GABBERT! Easily the worst QB I have ever seen play football… Ever…and he was played over Kaepernick. Good lord! Out of respect Phil Dawson I’ll credit the team with 6 points.

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/orton-signs-new-york-jets-pee-wee-league/

Orton Signs with New York Jets for Pee Wee League

Just when you thought the New York Jets couldn’t get any worse, in walks another team who is usually in the same boat. The Buffalo Bills, with Kyle Orton at the helm. Except the “helm” for Orton is more like a cruise control button on a vacuum cleaner.

And that is exactly why the Jets have signed Orton to a new contract deal. That’s right, Kyle Orton is to be the new quarterback for the New York Jets. Although they will be calling themselves the Sunnyside Jets, and they will be finishing out their season with a bunch of 9 year-olds.

Jets owner Woody Johnson said in a post-game interview on Sunday that he was pulling his team from the league. Anymore losses on the season and it wouldn’t really be worth it to keep the guys playing.

“It just doesn’t seem to be fair to the team,” Johnson told reporters Sunday night.

In an effort to boost team morale and have everyone (coaching staff included) brush up on some football fundamentals, Johnson enrolled the Jets into the Empire State Youth Football League.

“I don’t know what else to do, how else are we supposed to win games? That is, if we can even beat these little dweebs. I’d call it a last resort, of sorts. Good thing we have Orton, I guess.”

When asked about the status of Geno Smith and Michael Vick, head coach Rex Ryan seemed oblivious.

“No huge loss on our end, really.” Ryan went on to mention that he was unaware of any kind of salary for the 2 quarterbacks up to this point, so he was actually surprised that they stayed around as long as they did.

“Yeah, I mean,this was the plan all along,” Ryan said. “It’s not like the Jets have been paying them, so obviously they have their own issues.”

The Sunnyside Jets are scheduled to play the defending champion Manhattan Giants this weekend at their home field.

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/gary-bettman-confident-blues-will-choke-playoffs-orders-participation-ribbons/

Gary Bettman confident Blues will choke again in playoffs, orders them participation ribbons.

ST. LOUIS MISSOURI: In a not at all surprising  series of events, Gary Bettman, NHL’s current commissioner, has decided to give each individual player of the St. Louis Blues a participation ribbon this year.

“They just, they just try so damn hard.” Bettman said in an exclusive interview this afternoon. “I mean the last few seasons have gone so well, and then they choke in the playoffs.”

Many of the Blues players are satisfied with the decision including St. Louis Blues goalie,  Brian Elliot.

“It’s really an honor.” Elliot said over the phone this afternoon. “I mean every season we do great, then post season hits and we turn into the St. Louis Blows. This year, we won’t win the Stanley Cup, I can guarantee that, but we will always have the 2014-2015 season participation ribbons Mr. Bettman is making for us.”

In addition to Elliot, the hero of the U.S. men’s hockey olympics team T.J. Oshie weighed in on the subject. “You know, when we were in Sochi, I really gave it to those commie bastards. However, when it came to be medal winnin’ time, we choked. I have nothing to show for my awesome shootout showdown. At least now, when we lose in the first or second round of the playoffs this year, I’ll have a participation ribbon.”

Bettman has decided to go ahead and send the St. Louis Blues the participation ribbons as soon as they are shipped to him. “The season has just started, but I am completely confident that the Blues will screw up sooner than later. There is no need to keep this box in my office, it’ll just clutter the place up.”

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/richard-sherman-call-roger-goodell-murder-seattle-sunday/

Did Richard Sherman Call Roger Goodell After A Murder In Seattle On Sunday?

SEATTLE- Fan favorite and Super Bowl champion Richard Sherman has been under no police scrutiny after a murder was committed in Seattle on Sunday. Neither Sherman or Goodell will reveal specifics or if they even had a phone call causing media to draw conclusions about what kind of conversation could have taken place. Some media believe that a good story would be if one of the most liked players in the NFL did something illegal and called the league commissioner to try and decide the best course of action to cover it up and the two acted in mutual interest to preserve finical interests of the NFL. Members of the media also believe that it would be a better story if Sherman was alluded to as being involved with the shooting in headlines despite having no connections to anyone involved and being in a different city at the time it occurred. Despite this the media has begun to talk to family members of the shooting victim to try and describe the impact of the shooting that someone might have actually cared about if Sherman were involved. Most media will not print anything about the shooting as it did not involve anyone that garners headlines. Members of the media believe it’s a shame that there is not a chance to write a juicy story about Goodell trying to cover up a Sherman murder during a week with a slow news cycle however somehow the media will continue to produce content by generating stories based on small coincidences attached to big names. As of press time neither Sherman or Goodell have responded to questions which were mailed yesterday afternoon.

Readers feel free to chime in- do you think a story about murder would be more interesting if it involved a NFL player? What NFL player would you most like to be arrested in connection with a shooting?

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/jordan-zimmermann-give-interview-matt-williams-takes/

Jordan Zimmermann About to Give Interview, Matt Williams Takes him Out

Matt Williams is showing himself to be an amateurish rookie manager. After inexplicably removing pitcher Jordan Zimmermann during Game 2 on the NLDS, a decision that’s justifiably being seen as an embarrassing lapse in judgment, the foolish manager took heat.

Forget the heat though. Now he’s squarely in the furnace. With the Washington Nationals season ending in upsetting fashion, players were giving the media their final post game interviews of the season. That is, every player expect for Zimmermann.

As Zimmermann approached his locker and signaled that he was ready for media questions, Williams came over and took him out. Where Zimmermann went is unclear, but Williams motioned across the clubhouse and indicated his desire for closer Drew Storen. Once again, the Zimmermann for Storen move was made. And once again it failed.

Storen crumbled in his attempts to fill the shoes of Zimmermann. Question after question was asked, and Storen looked dazed, unsettled and perplexed as he quietly mumbled obscenities to himself. After the debacle, Williams defended his move. He stated that Zimmermann was tired and that the game saving role was designed for Storen.

As a result of the horrible decision by Williams, the entire D.C. area is attempting to take legal action. Their hope is to implement a groundbreaking law that would legally take away pitching change decisions from Williams. The final decision would alternate between the pitching coach, a randomly selected fan and a unintelligent looking child. Each person is seen as having better judgment than Williams. It’s going to be a long offseason for this goofy manager.

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/bionic-players-revealed/

Bionic Players Revealed

Through the first quarter of the 2014 NFL season, certain statistics pop out.

Peyton Manning, once thought to be out of football after neck surgery, is better and stronger than ever, nearly setting the league record for passing yardage against Arizona and closing in on Brett Favre’s touchdown record.

Matt Ryan, never considered the strongest of quarterbacks, has had record-setting days against the Saints and the Buccaneers.

The Dallas Cowboys, ordinarily the league standard for mediocrity, lead the NFC East due to the normally-fragile DeMarco Murray’s unexpectedly strong play and the typically-hapless Tony Romo’s surge in accuracy and decisiveness.

The answer lies in a facility that more and more players are making their go-to destination:  the OSI.  Thought by many to be the Organized Sports Institute, few in the media blinked an eye when athletes visited in the off-season for treatment therapy.

In reality, OSI is the Office of Scientific Intelligence, a shadowy organization linked to cybernetics, and bionics.

Matty Ice?  Try Matty IBM.

Personnel at OSI did not dispute Ryan’s presence at their facility.

“We were pleased to have Mr. Ryan visit us,” said one Oscar Goldman, whose role at OSI was not given.  “He expressed interest in improving his game, and we had the ability to make that happen.”

Ryan’s bionic improvements include super-strength in his throwing arm, enhanced vision, and neuroprocessors designed to analyze defensive patterns.

“Mr. Blank with the Falcons was very helpful,” said Goldman. “Because he owns Home Depot, he was able to get materials at cost, and we of course passed those savings along.

“What might have cost ten million dollars ended up costing only about six.”

DeMarco Murray opted for what insiders call the “Wolverine Package.”

“Basically, they toughened my skin and muscles a bit with some new polymers, and injected nanobots to boost my recuperation rate.  I love that it’s called the Wolverine Package.  I’m a huge Red Dawn fan.”

Peyton Manning has visited OSI since his rookie season in Indianapolis, where he set a record for rookie interceptions during a 3-13 season.

“As good as the SEC is,” Manning said, “it’s still no match for the NFL.  My trainer Steve Austin was instrumental in figuring out improvements and implementing them immediately.  Of course I went to OSI for my neck surgery.  Besides repairing the damage, I can now pull my head into my torso just a like a turtle.  Who’s got two thumbs and no more concussions?  This guy.”

Oscar Goldman is only too happy to point out the benefits of visiting OSI.

“The great thing about OSI is that the work we do is strictly mechanical, and is no way chemical or pharmaceutical.  Players wear contact lenses or glasses – does anyone begrudge them that?  Of course not.  What we do is along those lines, just a little bit more.”

With OSI, the service does not stop when the players leave the facility.

“Tom Brady was another one of our early adopters,” Goldman stated.  “At the start of this season, I think we can all agree that he was not himself.  Well, after the Kansas City loss, he stopped in for a tune-up, and the results against Cincinnati speak for themselves.”

Brady would not disclose what bionic improvements he received.  A source who did not wish to be identified simply said, “There’s a reason the man wears Uggs all the time.  Just saying.”

When asked what concerns there were about Roger Goodell imposing sanctions, Goldman was quick to dismiss any fears.

“Let’s just say that Mr. Goodell might say that not only is he the commissioner, he’s also a member.”

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/rich-froning-denounces-crossfit-after-finding-old-vhs-copy-of-sweating-to-the-oldies-with-richard-simmons/

Rich Froning denounces Crossfit after finding old VHS copy of Sweating to the Oldies with Richard Simmons

Rich Froning, the man that holds the title of Worlds Fittest Man, is denouncing the fitness sport that made him famous, Crossfit.  Froning who recently discovered an old VHS copy of Sweating to the Oldies with Richard Simmons at a local yard sale, said the VHS changed his whole view on fitness.  The exercises are low impact, fun and a great workout, Froning said, and a nice break from the high intensity Crossfit.  Sweating to the Oldies, is an old workout program designed to keep senior citizens active and fit but has been used by younger generations as well.  There is no word if Froning will return to Crossfit training or if this a permanent change.

  It has also been rumored that Rich Froning as been seen using 8 minute abs, but this has not been confirmed.

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/former-jets-wr-stephen-hill-claims-reports-false-can-fact-catch-cold/

Former Jets WR Stephen Hill claims that reports are false and he can in fact catch a cold

North Carolina-  Stephen Hill, a 2012 second round pick by the NY Jets who was released by the Jets before the start of the season and signed to the Carolina Panthers practice squad responded to a report this week that he could not even catch a cold.  The report came out last week on a local North Carolina sports show and it claimed that Stephen Hill was so bad that he could not even catch a cold.  Hill claims the report is completely false and he has in fact caught several colds in his lifetime.  Hill went on to tell reporters  “not only can I catch colds, but I get a yearly flu shot because I have caught so many colds in the past, I do not know where this report is getting its information

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/jacksonville-jaguars-mascot-holds-offensive-sign-forces-media-talk-0-5-team/

Jacksonville Jaguars mascot holds up offensive sign, forces media to talk about 0-5 team.

Jaxson de Ville, the mascot of the 0-5 Jacksonville Jaguars held up a handwritten sign during the fourth quarter of Sunday’s game that read “TOWELS CARRY EBOLA” while carrying a yellow Terrible Towel in his right hand.   The offensive sign came at the end of a loosing effort by the Jaguars falling to the Pittsburg Steelers, bringing the Jaguars record to 0-5 this season.  If it was not for Jaxson de Ville’s inappropriate sign about a deadly disease, no one would be talking about the Jacksonville Jaguars right now, but instead they are front page news.

ESPN accidently displayed the Detroit Tigers logo when first reporting the story due to the fact that they had not run a Jaguars story in three years and did not have a Jaguars graphic ready to use.  Producers at ESPN figured cats are cats and no one would notice the difference.

New Post has been published on http://theupfl.com/2014/10/jay-cutler-finally-just-throws-towel/

Jay Cutler Finally Just Throws in the Towel

In an unsurprising turn of event from the Chicago Bears, it seems as if Jay Cutler may never get his breakout season, deeming his career as a whole, rather pointless.

Even the veteran quarterback thinks so himself. Year after year with game after game, Cutler has expressed to coaches and team staff his interest of just giving up and quitting. And now, finally, The Chicago Bears have decided to give up (on Cutler) too. Finally.

An announcement of Jay Cutler’s departure came from The Bears’ front office on Monday morning: “Given the stature of the quarterback position, it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to keep him around any longer. We gave it a shot.”

[NO PRESS WAS AVAILABLE FOR THE ANNOUNCEMENT, MAINLY BECAUSE THEY HAD NO QUESTION AS TO WHY CUTLER DECIDED TO HANG UP THE TOWEL]

We caught up with who we think might be security or custodial staff with the Bears’ front office. He had mentioned something about everyone leaving early for a “celebration/happy hour” and had asked him to “watch the phones.”

“Whatever that means, it’s only 11 o’clock in the morning, if they’re leavin’ I’m leavin’. I was just about to lock it up and head out to my own ‘celebration/happy hour’.”

Apparently the man on the phone, whoever it was, had no idea why the whole office left for the day at 11 in the morning.

“What do I think of the news about Cutler? Which news? Did he finally quit?! Please tell me he did!”

The call was lost shortly after a series of loud crashing noises and ‘hoo-haws!’ involving glass breaking and champagne bottles popping.

No word from Chicago on who will win the starting quarterback position. Naturally, Bears back-up quarterback Jimmy Clausen is fit for the job. But since news of Cutler giving up has spread pretty rapidly, Kyle Orton has already expressed interest.

“Yeah I’m gonna try out. If Jimmy Clausen can beat me to the spot, the job is all his,” Orton said at his home garage-recorded press conference. “Believe me, anyone other than that cry-baby-yahoo-what’s-his-name is a step in a better direction for the team and city of Chicago. So if Clausen gets it, Clausen gets it.

Orton went on to say in his e-mail that he felt comfortable after his successful first game with the Bills on Sunday and was confident he could continue that success in Buffalo while also putting up better numbers in Chicago than that cry-baby-yahoo-what’s-his-name.

So that leaves us in question of Orton’s future. Will he finally have his breakout season? Or two breakout seasons in one? Only time will tell. As for Jay Cutler’s future, anything but football.