Pray to God who hears my cry.

Now, I know this is a controversial topic, but I need to establish that I am Team Logan. Which is why I chose to rewatch seasons 5-7. I focused mostly on scenes surrounding Logan. But this post is more so a review of myself, than a review on the show. 

I started watching Gilmore Girls in middle school. I remember that the episode of the Chilton dance was my favorite. I just adored Dean - Jared Padalecki's tall-baby-faced good looks, his kind eyes and sweet gestures. The way he stood up for Rory and protected her from Tristan. Lets be honest here, Dean was just the perfect first boyfriend. And as a middle schooler, I wanted a Dean. I didn't care that he was a bag boy or a long-term small-town boy, Dean was the dream. At that time, Jess was that bad boy that I never liked. It bothered me that he smoked (I mean, it still does..), that he was unreliable. Even Milo's sharp features (ugh he's hot) didn't make up for the fact that Jess was not a positive influence on Rory. Then came Logan...as a middle schooler, I liked him. He was super cute, rich enough to be super romantic, and an all-around interesting guy. But he wasn't my favorite.

Not until high school. Oh high school. It was during this time that a completely different Waverly was formed. The one that obsessively cared about her GPA and her future and getting into college and absorbing all the information. High school Waverly was education focused, and she LOVED Logan. For the first time, i really watched Gilmore Girls and understood the cultural and literary references. I loved how well-read Logan was. He challenged Rory and kept up with her brilliance. I wanted a boy like that. One that not only understood my humor, but thought that my nerdiness and ambition was cool. He would be nerdy and ambitious with me. We would read together and grow into more cultured people together. We would go to dinner parties and smooze with smart, successful people. High school Waverly wanted a Logan. 

From then now, not much as changed. Still education focused, still obsessed about my GPA, but now, a new chapter is rounding the corner: Career Waverly. Whoa, weird. Right now, my life is around applying for internships and trying to figure out what the actual fuck I'm supposed to do with my life. But its exciting! I'm free to go wherever, do whatever, be whatever, and its ok. Whenever I apply for internships, I tell them relocation is not an issue. I tell them I'm open to go anywhere, that I would just love to explore, because absolutely NOTHING is tying me down. Now the point of this whole thing goes back to the series finale. Or rather, the penultimate. Middle school and high school Waverly was INFURIATED that Rory didn't marry Logan. I was so confused why and how she could just turn him down. After 3 years and 3 seasons of what seemed like the perfect relationship, just down the tube. As I rewatched the penultimate an hour ago, I was expecting the same reaction. I was waiting for the heartbreak, the screaming "WHY RORY YOU IDIOT. MARRY THE GUY." at the screen. But I shocked myself when I realized I felt different...I found myself standing in Rory's shoes, and making the same decision. Logan wanted her to move to California. She didn't have her life figured out yet. She just graduated and was faced with rejection after rejection. She was scared but excited for what the next chapter would bring. She didn't want to be tied down- to be forced to consider someone else's dream along with her own. I felt so connected to Rory, and I realized, I would say no too. 

This completely shocked me. Its been 8 years of watching Gilmore Girls, and every time I rewatch it at a different point in my life, I see something different. I feel something different. 8 years ago, I thought it wasn't fair for Logan to make it an all-or-nothing situation. And that Rory was stupid for saying no. But now, I get it. Neither wanted to be tied down to something that may not be permanent. It wouldn't be fair to either parties to do long-distance or to be married and always be wondering "what if?". It amazes me to ponder how I've changed. I feel myself changing every day - becoming more confident, mature, sure of myself. I'm excited to rewatch Gilmore Girls again after college to see how the same 7 seasons can yield a different show. How my age and experience shapes my perspective. 

Well, today we had less students show up so I was asked to move to a different group to help out. For some reason, this group had 2 mentors to 10 students.

Right when I walked towards them, a girl whispered, "Do you have a pencil? Are you good at math?" 

I could barely hear her as her voice was THAT raspy. Then, I realized that she wasn't whispering...that was just her natural voice. As a math minor, I always really enjoy tutoring in math so I immediately agreed to help her out. 

The next hour and a half was truly eye-opening. I'm no doctor but I think this girl may have had ADHD or some sort of attention-deficiency. I would ask her to merely copy an equation from one sheet to another and she would sit there putting the pencil down, and picking it back up, and putting it down again. She would pick at her nails and twitch her fingers. She looked deep in thought but wrote nothing. 

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to rush her, but I merely asked that she copy the quadratic equation from her notes to the problem sheet. She finally snapped back and wrote "b +" then stopped again. I didn't want to jump in again...but she didn't even get the negative in front of the b. 

I found that if I read it out to her, then she was able to write it correctly, but if I asked her to copy an equation or rewrite/simplify something, she struggled. 

"Dyslexia?" I thought to myself. I needed to stop diagnosing her and just help this girl. 

But I felt so helpless. I didn't know what to do. 

I could've finished this entire worksheet in the time it took her to copy an equation from one sheet to the other. I didn't know what to do when she didn't understand basic arithmetic. 

My patience was tested to the extreme and I hated feeling so helpless. 

Instances like this put my problems into perspective though. I've been so blessed with my strengths in academia paired with a world-class education and a community that supported such growth. My studies just always clicked- I work and study hard but comprehension has always come easily. 

And I've taken it for granted. 

Through EOTO, I see hardships from a different lens. I see high schoolers who struggle with home-life, and feeling overwhelmed and lost. My struggles in high school included having too many top-tier schools to apply to and having too many interests/activities to participate in. 

Even though I always complain about having EOTO take up the majority of my Sunday afternoon, I always open my eyes to something new after each session. Its cheesy, but the mentors really gain so much out of this experience also. Working with these students give me so much satisfaction while simultaneously breaking my heart and making me wanna call my mom to tell her "thank you" and "i love you".