Class A

Been away for a few days trying to get myself together, not sure if it worked but I feel a bit calmer. My anxiety levels have been through the roof recently, I'm like a rabbit who's been fed coffee and red bulls then released onto a fucking dog track. It's been ridiculous. Last night I was laying in bed just feeling my heart hammering in my chest convinced it was the end. I have no idea how to stop this, Meditation? Sedation? Please someone give me a clue because I don't have a single one

Up until now my cravings have been pretty minimal. I've mainly suffered with a shit ton of fucking awful withdrawal symptoms, the headaches, tiredness, mood swings, depression, spotty skin, etc etc. Today these cravings came out of fucking nowhere, I was watching tv, looking through Facebook and just suddenly felt really depressed and wanted to be out with my friends with a load of coke. I think maybe part of it is the fact that I've gone away so I'm missing my friends like crazy, but this need for drugs hit me like a ton of bricks, it was like a nicotine craving, like I felt it in my stomach, this empty, aching, neediness. It was fucking weird. After that I just felt quiet and pretty down. So yeah. Weird day. Hopefully it was a passing thing, tomorrow will be better. T.U.B x

The picture says it all - day nine - "I'm fine" Couldn't count how many times a day I utter these words. Main reasons today: - friends joking about rehab - people telling me about their mental weekends while I'm detoxing - my dealer calling me to see if I wanted anything this weekend - family telling me to cheer up End. T.U.B x

Every day life

T.U.F.C.B (the unbalanced fat c*nt blonde)

Today I moved again to a new place to give myself a fresh start, get away from old habits and people and just to generally de-stress. The de-stressing got off to a bad start with chief c*nt (old housemate) starting the day with more threats. Why do people feel the need to get so aggressive and so threateny? Because il fucking kill a bitch if my family gets threatened 👊 seven days of being clean and I honestly feel a million times better. I didn't think it would be this soon that I start to feel better in myself but I can hand on heart, brownie sign, pinky swear that it does get easier. I feel less achey and spaced out, I'm still finding it hard to concentrate and I think that will take time, not that I've ever been some sudoku completing, elephant man memory, brain training, switched on girl, but I'm not usually the sort of person who forgets to put shoes on before leaving the house. So I'm hopeful that I'm going to get better and better. Tomorrows goal is to get through the day without imagining various methods of torture to inflict on chief c*unt. Positivity is key. T.U.B x

Today in myself I actually felt a lot better, possibly due to the yoga and smoothie I started the day off with. So if it hadn't been for my old housemate being a complete C*NT this day wouldn't have sucked dick. Most of my friends have been pretty supportive and understanding of the fact that I've had to take some time out to get better and try and make my life less of a huge train wreck, most of them, except it seems for, my housemate. I had some family go to my house to collect clothes and makeup and shit that I generally need to get by in day to day life. You would think that he, being a normal human being, with a brain, and thoughts, and FEELINGS would have maybe asked how I'm doing, or at the very least offer a cup of fucking tea. No. This useless prick started being an abusive little c*nt didn't he, started swearing and throwing his fucking toys out his pram because things weren't going his way. Boo fucking hoo, get used to it mate. This is real life not the shit housemate show. So anyway, once he realised that verbally assaulting grannies wasn't going to work he turned the abuse onto me, texting, calling, facebook messaging, fucking faxing, using every possible medium in order for me to understand what a "useless, waste of space, addict c*nt" I am. Cheers. So to summarise: Health - medium Cravings - medium Head - bad Self worth - put me down, bullet through the brain, spit in my face fucking awful Tomorrow will be better T.U.B x

Today hasn't been as much of a physical struggle as the first few days, but mentally I feel like I've been beaten up, stabbed and then run over a couple of times for good measure. Honestly I haven't felt this emotional since the bit in skins where Chris gets the operation for his brain tumour, the one that killed his twin brother, and then he's all happy smoking a joint with cassie, and we think, YES! He's made it, him and Jal will keep the baby and live happily ever after, and then he's suddenly all nose bleedy and dead. So yeah, my heads a bit of a fucking state today. I'm finding it really hard to concentrate on the smallest thing and keep getting distracted by long, pointless thoughts which turn into impossible-never going to happen scenarios. Earlier on I was meant to be writing a list of things I want to take to the centre with me, I started thinking about how much I'm going to miss my housemates dog, anyway, at the end of this thought, in my head, I was running a dog shelter on the west coast of Australia with my new Australian boyfriend. Either Chad or brad, I hadn't decided on a name yet. So to sum up, physically I'm feeling better on the diet of smoothies, vegetable soups and various nuts and fruits, mentally I feel like someone's made a smoothie out of my brain and the remaining conscious part of me is hovering above me, like some pale, looming ghost of Christmas cocaine, promising me a white December. T.U.B x