The Well Dressed Alchemist

hey guys, I'm sorry to ask this but I'm going to need everybody's attention, forever. please pay attention to me

i would cannibalize god's rotting corpse. if the opportunity arose

we do this every week at mass

she nothing on my nothing til i nothing. celibacy

i want to- *remembers suicide jokes only worsen my mental health* kill someone else

starting to think I may actually have some issues and even perhaps problems

nice things will happen but first you have to lose all hope and die 45 times

We are receiving unconfirmed reports that it is bedtime. Citizens are advised to get into their pajamas and remain on high alert

today the girl ringing me up at the gas station said “ok, have a nice day. i love you” and i said “what” and she repeated “i love you” with better diction

me when I work at the gas station 

advanced tip: while driving, you can use your turn signal to warn other drivers that you intend to turn.

Isn’t Reese witherspoon old enough to portray a presidential candidate where is Legally Blonde: Commander In Chic I’m not fucking playing around

Something that I first applied to working with children, and have applied in a limited form to working with adults: you don't need to tell someone when they read your instructions wrong. Sometimes it's enough to point out what they did right and then whatever they didn't do? You ask them to do it in more precise words, and you make it sound like it's a new request. Remarkable how fast things get done this way.

This is also a habit I built up from emergency response training. If I say "I need you to bring me a first aid kit and an accident report" and you bring me just a first aid kit, it's so much more efficient to say "thanks now can you bring me an accident report" than "I asked you to bring an accident report why didn't you bring me one".

Once you've internalized "a person bleeding out is one of the worst times to start an argument" you start to wonder what other tasks could get accomplished without arguing

little brother has been intermittently texting me the weather alerts for towns called Gaylord and saying "hey watch out"

plethora

honestly, this means a lot

'how would other people describe you' why would i know this

I call my wife “the missus” because when she’s at work I misses her 😔