OneAndOnlyTyker

I try to be blind to little nuances that make me wince. Things that make #TheTyke question if she's doing the right thing or being a good and genuine person. Thoughts and feelings that keep me up at night and distract me during my days. The daydreams that hold me hostage as I try to get past them. Dividing realities and blurring #truth... I'm rambling... the tea is cold. The playlist over. The script is done. The mind wanders...

As an artist I have moments of self doubt. Self doubt that fuels procrastination and over thinking. It leads to feelings of unworthiness and almost; at times I have belittled my own dreams. There are visions in my head of achieving career pinnacles and living a happy, fulfilling life. Some may say, "Illusions of Grandeur". My initial thoughts are that if I don't have these, what would be the point of my existence. During my 30 Days of Truth, I addressed my panic attacks. Talking about how I am affected so much by them and how I cope. Keeping myself in a positive mind space all the time, takes work. It isn't easy, but it is essential. I am no good for anyone, including myself, if I am not positive. I do - at times - feel to be an asshole and cuss up the place and say eff every one and every thing (most times my mother gets the brunt of that - for which I am sorry). Sinking into dark places filled with doubt don't help facilitate conquering panic attacks, so I think and live positive. Picture this: In a crowded room with people I know and strangers, a thought taps me on my shoulder. "Aye. Any of these people in here would know or care if you weren't here?" Followed by: "What is going to happen to all your books of ideas and writing?" "Was your last online post a creepy revelation?" Meanwhile, a Dj mixes Popcaan into and Alkaline, a light flashes, I do an internal scream to clear my thoughts and return to the party. These can also happen when I am by myself. So, I go out when I'm in or go in when I'm out. I meditate, I colour. I listen to my environment or music. I sign on to a new project and dive head first into it. Go to the beach. Spend time with people with positive energy and good vibes. Moment of further truth: In the past two years there were two people - squash that - guys, whose energies for some reason or the other, unknown to them (well they know now) calmed mine. Eerily enough I wrote about that realization around this time last year and was attempting to decode it. Maybe there's some science behind it. (lol) But these external things can be temporary, as we know, so learning to do that energy shift for myself is a journey itself. As an artist who is always researching, (who while being a performing actor had to do a lot of character cleansing on my own) I recognize when I am going into a negative space and have had to accumulate strategies to avoid any slips. I still find tremendous difficulty in becoming vulnerable, because when you are, you open yourself up to so many different types of energy and most times in the event that things don't work well, the repair can be intense. What I will say is this, I am glad I have identified things about myself during my growing and ever changing journey. Things that will without a doubt make me a better human. To my fellow artists (and regular folk lol) self doubt is normal and OK. What you do with and about it, is up to you. Love and light to you all today!

I walked into a hairdressing salon some Saturdays ago. The stench of creamy crack* filled the air, steam from hot curling irons floated to the ceiling and the stares of the women pierced through me, as they all turned in unison to witness my arrival onto their turf. I heared their roots squealing as the "kinks" were demolished while these women sat, heads burning white with chemicals, calmly flipping through magazines. I'm used to stares whether or not my hair is in an afro or a twist out*. Being a 6 foot tall woman who has a striking resemblance to Tracee Ellis Ross* or Erykah Badu (depending on the day or the light) you become very aware of people holding their gaze when you walk past. The stares in here, were no different. One young lady getting her nails done in the furthest corner, strained to glare at me as her technician pushed her cuticles back. They whispered. A few snickered. A couple snared as if in disdain. No one said anything but, "Good Afternoon." as I collected something from the owner of the shop. I slid through the door and left the poster girls for Motions and Luster's to their guaranteed conversation about me. My coils exhaled in relief. When I graduated in 2008, I bought a box of texturizer. I was going to have straight, flowing hair for Grad! Well, it was just my luck to have too much hair for a single box of evil so I had to resort to a very straight bun style. My mother said nothing. I had felt the tingle the product gave my scalp, but little did I know, my virgin head was extremely sensitive to the chemicals. Days after my graduation ball, scar tissue began to form on my scalp. It hurt. It scratched. And as it healed, it shed. My mother said nothing. Now, why would I think that putting chemicals in my hair would be a good idea? I was surrounded by positive images of black hair from a very early age. I had a black fabric doll with a rasta hairstyle. Very often I had my hair styled in canerows to go to school, so why when I decided to look different for this new chapter in my life, I chose to do this? Trust and believe, THAT never happened again! Tutorials for my natural hair were not as easily available as they are now and though I loved my hair I never learnt what to do with it. My mother is no hairdresser, and even though she had a striking 'fro in her twenties, I had always known her to sit for hours at her sister in law's salon under the dryer after getting a relaxer. Mom did not comb my hair in elaborate hairstyles. This little brown girl was not a child of bubbles and clips* and only wore ribbons to school and special occasions. Most of my childhood photos show me donning a four or six plait style. So don't ask me to comb my hair or style it, I had absolutely no clue. Now, I sit and look at fellow naturalistas on YouTube and spend hours flat twisting, double and triple twisting my hair. All while trying not to spend ridiculous amounts of money on product. My hair has taught me patience (even though I snip it ever so often). I know what works, what doesn't. What looks good and when in doubt - head wrap! Or make the sacrifice and spend a 600$ on a Patra braid* that'll last three and a half months. Wigs and weaves may see me as they offer more versatility and give our tresses some rest and protection. Don't get it twisted (hair joke) but having and up-keeping natural hair takes a lot of money and if you are a product junkie, you probably have thousands of dollars worth of crap in your cupboards. My own way tresses listen to my hands and their products (lol) now, because I have learned its behaviour. Humidity is the devil and shea butter is not for me. I love my hair, despite bad choices before. I'm not going to get into the whole "self hate" argument that surrounds black women relaxing their hair. I have no qualm with my sisters who indulge in the white flash. It is their choice, just as it my choice not to. Sweetie, if you're happy doing whatever with your hair, do you boo. Really. Whatever your hair looks like doesn't make you who you are. Stay beautiful My Queens! (and Kings who spend as much time and money on their hair!!!) For the novices: *creamy crack - relaxer or texturizer *twist out - hairstyle that involves the untwisting of plaits or twists *Tracee Ellis Ross - Daughter of Diana Ross; known best for her role as 'Joan' in the BET sitcom "Girlfriends" *bubbles and clips - hair accessories for children *Patra braid - Braided hairstyle made popular by Jamaican dance hall artist Patra in the early 90's

#trinidad #nature #pines #topoftheworld beautiful

I was supposed to post this on January 1st, but I've been busy, and I must admit I hesitated posting this. For good reason - I now realize. Everything happens for a reason. Love and light to you all. New Year's Day 2014. I missed the T&T Spirit sailing out of Scarborough to Trinidad. My phone was overrun with messages from my best friend about expecting a baby and the then significant other had sent messages in anger about not knowing where I was. I had gone to the sister isle to bring in the new year with my Tobago family and where we were didn't have cell service for my network; so when I got back into service range the phone chimed non stop. After missing the boat, I head to the airport to try to get on standby. I just want to get home! I missed the sig fig, I wanted his comfort badly and all the best friend baby talk had my head spinning. I stood in line at the CAL desk for hours until finally getting on the standby list. I still had to wait, mind you, until my name was called to get on a flight. What does one do in an airport on New Year's when the only thing on your mind is a man? Well, you go sit in the café opposite the terminal and look at CNN in a corner. A little after 2pm, said man calls me. The smile on my face disappears as fast as it formed when his yelling yanks me out of Crown Point "bliss". "Where are you?", "What are you still doing over there?", "You're doing this for spite! ". I instantly get pissed and hang up - as was my custom, and I text him something along the lines of him being selfish and alluding to the fact that I had been sitting in the airport for hours waiting on a flight to get home to be with him. Even in my upset, I am antsy to get back to Trinidad to fix this explosion of personalities. I need to fix this. I have to. My absence from the island was not purposeful. I was invited to ring in the New Year in Tobago and he had to work. I would be back on the first and we would spend the day together. I didn't intend on being stuck! Home time. Repair time. Three months later, we were over. Earlier this week he called me and we recapped our tumultuous journey; fully equipped with laughter and jokes (cause we could laugh about shit now) and an apology. Two years ago I walked away with no turning back from this emotional rollercoaster of a relationship. Now, in 2016, I wouldn't date that guy. And I wouldn't feel the need to apologize for something I clearly had no control over. I wouldn't be entitled to fix or repair anything I didn't break. Sometimes we have to be selfish. And not in a bad way, but a preservative way. Women tend to do that. Stop doing things for ourselves, because we want our men better. I know. I have made so many allowances for men eh! We attempt to minimize the magnitude of their bullshit so it doesn't seem like we're settling. Most times we know it, you know, but we "doh take it on". I have settled too many times. I know I deserve better and I am not going to wait on anyone to be or do anything for me. The whole "well that's how he is" thing, is done and over with. I've been and put myself through a lot when it comes to men and whether or not I get some one to share me with, I'll be good while I continue working on me. I have a lot to do with me, so I totally understand that the fixing them thing cya wuk! I've done it all and now it's time for me. No apologies! "Ask me if I believe in you, I'll say yes. Ask me if I'll take your shit, I'll say no. I know and respect my limits." I have never felt like I needed to get that call from him, but after I came off the phone, I understood that I even if I didn't in fact need it, it was welcomed. I appreciated his new found honesty about not being mature enough then and not being able to see that a sista was always trying - no matter what. Sometimes we move on with life without getting closure to certain parts of it; so I am glad that I had this fortune. It may not happen for every relationship (romantic and platonic) you have, especially since saying sorry - and meaning it comes with a certain level of matirity and understanding of self. I wish this for anyone. There is beauty in it. I hope your #30DoT journeys are going well.

Beautiful.

Someone reminded me yesterday that I had 9 more days of truth. But that was yesterday, so of course today it's 8 more days. Wow! Guys! I wrote everyday for 24 days (so far). I am proud, and I am extremely humbled by this experience. I can't not keep saying thank you. Thank you!!! I did hesitate to do the post for today because it just is really touchy for me. I do not like funerals. I do not like the hospital. I don't go to either of them unless I have to. I do not like to think about death; as much as it is a reality. In January of this year I drank coffee late in the afternoon and couldn't sleep as a result of it. I lay in bed for hours with my eyes tracing the ceiling. I could not sleep. My heart began to race, my chest was pounding, I was sweating and couldn't catch my breath. I thought I was dying. So naturally, my first instinct was to get into my mother's bed (next thing I fold up in my bed and she think I just over sleeping and she leave my ass here and only when she smell me she would know; dark I know). I started thinking about my family and people around me. My mind ran on people I'd not spoken to in years, on the arguments I'd not resolved. What would my last conversation with someone I cared about have been? How have I been living? Does my family have enough money for a funeral? I don't want a funeral. Should I write a will? I'm 23, I don't have anything worth 'willing', yet. I haven't met Quentin Tarantino or Will Packer yet. Idris Elba and I haven't run lines for that intense scene in Luther. And Taraji, Meryl and I haven't been up for the same award. Shonda Rhimes has not given me my Producer blessing yet. And Oprah, Erykah and I haven't had tea in my garden. Damn! I never fell in love the right way and I have no kids of my own yet. I cried, I stared at the wall and I made a mental note (which I ask myself everyday) to live my best life! Who do I inspire daily? How do my words and my spirit and my positive energy impact other people? Is my work going to bring smiles? Do I give a shit about people pleasing and doing it "because"? And so my 2015 went along with these things in mind and I took chances. I spoke my mind this year like never before, I accepted challenges I would have never taken up before. I did something I usually don't do, I let people in. In to my space, my life, my heart, my work. I spoke to people I never had, or hardly did. I looked at my God children with renewed eyes. What I do is for them. Honestly. My mother and those two little gremlins are my biggest motivators. I know I have to take better care of my health. I have to make a conscious effort to exercise and keep active. I need to be mindful of what I put into my body (pun may or may not be intended) and my ass needs to drink more water!! Physical health is one thing, but our mental health is another. I had a panic attack similar to the one I had in January, during vacation camp this year and then again last night. They are unpredictable and unprovoked; they just happen. Being aware of it is the first step, now to work through them smartly if it happens again, is the aim. I had trouble finishing this because of course I am shamelessly in tears. I have to take it easy, while I make my movements to that table read with Idris and that tea date with O and Erykah. It is OK to not be OK. It is never OK to say you are fine, and you are not. It is also not OK to make other people feel like crap,  cause you're having a bad day. Fighting and facing them fears on this lazy ass Saturday. Much love guys! Day 30 soon come!

I kept dating, liking, lusting and falling in love with my father. Well at least men like my father; unavailable men. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and literally absent and unavailable. Men who were there but not really there. Guys who weren't sure about themselves so they made me unsure about myself. Which was strange for me because I always kind of knew who I was and where I wanted to be (except for that time I wanted to be a vet). I had an uncanny attraction for what Gen Y calls, fvckboys. The gamesters who aren't sure what they want, except probably that they want to screw your brains out. How does one stop repeating the pattern? Well guys and gals, first you need to recognize that there is indeed a pattern. The "all men are the same" syndrome has got to have an end. They aren't the same. Understand the bad patterns you have and then see about getting out of it. I really wasn't sure if I wanted to post things about my previous relationships during my 30DoT, but I made a conscious effort to be honest with myself. They have helped me in my journey; shape me, made me realize things about myself I may not have discovered had I not been in some of the situations I was and put myself in. Food for thought in this magnificent Friday: You love/ get into a relationship/ get married at the level of your self esteem. Dating fvckboys? Do some reevaluation. Love, peace and hash tags guys. MUAH!

I have amazing friends. Beautiful people with beautiful spirits and genuine hearts. Most of them support me in all my journeys. Sometimes I don't see some of them for ages (online not counting here) and all of them have added something to my life. This year I was very much absent from many gatherings and outings, by my own choice. In having a conversation earlier this year;  and even writing it down in my journals is certainly then, I have realized that sometimes you are called to be a pillar of strength while your foundation is shaky. I stopped partying and going out drinking unless it was someone's birthday and I started focusing on my career a bit more. In doing that I have turned into a hermit almost and have had to deal with many a personal issue on my own. I tend to not ask for help, or talk about myself because I know everyone has their own stuff happening. How can I add to their stuff with mine? Enlisting professionals to talk to is always a plus and actually a reason for some empty pockets throughout the year. My writing helps me as well and I use that medium very regularly. My friends have been great sources of advice and counsel over the years but this year I had to rely on Tyker. Numero Uno. Friends have lives and families and I love and respect that as I have my own and things change; as things must and understanding that is pivotal to friendships. It's not that we aren't friends any more. Friendship dimensions adjust. You cannot get mad and sulk, you simply move with the tide and embrace new found discoveries about self (including reliance) and cherish the memories. There will always be great stories to tell, experiences to share, so we must be thankful and grateful for those who have helped us write chapters in the books of our lives. I cherish the friendships I have and the guys and gals who've made them worthwhile and lasting.I have amazing friends. Beautiful people with beautiful spirits and genuine hearts. Most of them support me in all my journeys. Sometimes I don't see some of them for ages (online not counting here) and all of them have added something to my life. This year I was very much absent from many gatherings and outings, by my own choice. In having a conversation earlier this year;  and even writing it down in my journals is certainly then, I have realized that sometimes you are called to be a pillar of strength while your foundation is shaky. I stopped partying and going out drinking unless it was someone's birthday and I started focusing on my career a bit more. In doing that I have turned into a hermit almost and have had to deal with many a personal issue on my own. I tend to not ask for help, or talk about myself because I know everyone has their own stuff happening. How can I add to their stuff with mine? Enlisting professionals to talk to is always a plus and actually a reason for some empty pockets throughout the year. My writing helps me as well and I use that medium very regularly. My friends have been great sources of advice and counsel over the years but this year I had to rely on Tyker. Numero Uno. Friends have lives and families and I love and respect that as I have my own and things change; as things must and understanding that is pivotal to friendships. It's not that we aren't friends any more. Friendship dimensions adjust. You cannot get mad and sulk, you simply move with the tide and embrace new found discoveries about self (including reliance) and cherish the memories. There will always be great stories to tell, experiences to share, so we must be thankful and grateful for those who have helped us write chapters in the books of our lives. I cherish the friendships I have and the guys and gals who've made them worthwhile and lasting.

"We not seeing you. Where have you been? What you doing?" I'm working. Simple. I have no need to be around toxic people. Toxic 'artists', worst yet. In many an instance, I try to have people around me who are truly positive. People talk about energy. Oh energy this, energy that, on and on about other peoples' energy affecting them, but don't even recognize their own energy. There are so many toxic people walking around who don't even know they are toxic. It's Day 20 and I am saying categorically, I sense you toxic people the moment you walk into a room. I am getting so tuned in, I read posts online and I feel the toxins. No lie. No jest. It encircles you and everything you do or come in contact with gets heavy. I'm big on energy and vibes and I work with people who only bring good and positive feeling to the work. It is sad that people can be so deeply affected by heavy vibes and not know it because they've been in it so long. Toxicity within self, in working relationships, romantic relationships, between family all have one thing in common; you don't realize how toxic it is while you're in them. Only when you're not there any more do you see it. Meditation. Yoga. Exercise. Talking to a higher power. Getting away. Changing your environment for a day. Starting a new project for fun and not money. Picking up a hobby. All ways you can align your energy and get to a better place mentally. Trust me, when your energy is messed up, nobody will be able to stand being around you; not even to have a beer and a smoke. #30DoT #BeMindful #energy #thephoenix #Day20

Yesterday I spoke about my great grandfather in a joke reference and then this morning when I passed by CIC grounds there he was; staring at me from the Pavillion. He was a West Indies cricketer and a solicitor. Greatness in my blood. My great grandmother was a Queen in her own right whose good nature and warm heart was refuge for many a weary and tired soul. She was so bad ass, she kept her maiden name and all her children have her last name. Her daughter, my grandmother, was a Senior Advertising Executive at one of Trinidad's leading Advertising firms, a boss and a legend in radio and television in the early days. Met my grandfather, the National Scholarship winner, footballer, cricketer, poet, surveyor, rebel, sweet man. Their children, the eccentric music man with killer guitar and composing skills, the radio announcer, writer and artist and the photographer, writer and everything-er. My cousins and I had a choice? Uh... nope. Eldest cousin, dedicated mother, beautician and small business owner, second, radio announcer and journalist, and me, the writer, actor and director (I might be an everything-er too if we really count). The legacy our parents have given us is remarkable and we are fortunate to have the lineage we have. There is so much more to learn and to share with our own children (when that time comes) about who we are. Where we've come from. There is good, there is bad. There are things that I get mad about and things I am proud of. There will never be a day when I am not reminded of the legacy I have to build on. There will never be a day when their work and their spirits are with me while I work. There will not be a day I do not honour them. If you do not know where you come from, how will you know where you are going? If you do not seek your ancestry, will you know your purpose or your truth? It has been a beautiful Monday! Let's make the rest of the day dynamic! #Love #30DoT #History #HerStory #MyStory

I filmed one of my shorts today. Wow. It was tasking. I wrote, directed and executive produced it; "Bread" the name. It was a learning experience. And with a bad ass team, it wasn't anything but the bomb. Looking back on the day, my past year even, and I can't help but make the statement; I had no choice but to be in the creative industry. I grew up surrounded by artisans who allowed and encouraged me to be myself, to create, to make something out of nothing, and to share it. What I have learned is that there will be different forces at work to deter you from achieving things, but you've got to stay in your lane and remain true to yourself and what you want to accomplish. It will not be easy, trust me, but it will be worth it. If you have people on your team who share your vision as crazy as it may seem; and who you can learn from as well, you are in a perfect place to not only grow, but to succeed. Peace, love and hash tags. #thetyke #thephoenix #thedragon #30DoT