or will you miss the warmth of my body,
heating your hands on those cold december mornings,
counting the days until christmas although weโre growing too old now,
or will you miss my youth and my bright smile,
that disappeared the day i first bled,
when i cried and first knew that all i was made for was to do what you do,
and although i love you, it would be my worst nightmare,
or will you miss the youth we shared,
in playground grass and muddy shoes,
or arguments and stolen perfumes,
no matter how much i aggravated you,
you never made me feel bad, as i was only a child who idolised your teenage angst,
but now that i have it, all i want is to give it back,
or will you, you, you, you miss my anxieties disguised as jokes,
or the laughs or the fights or the late bitchy nights,
or the days out shopping or the ranting without stopping,
will you, you, you, you sit at the end of that table and think of me.
will that table ever feel the same again? will you feel my spirit consume all of the joy?
or will you, oh, god, not you,
will you remember the romantic messages, the blank faces when in public,
the electricity running through my veins when we brushed arms in crowded corridors,
or the blushes on our faces after the teasing from each of our friend groups,
or the unspoken words that still eat me from the inside out; did you feel them too? do you still feel them? will you remember them when youโre married with children and iโm six feet under and 20 years decayed?
the ones who donโt know my name but will make fun of my timidness,
treat me like a fallen leaf, trampled on, because itโs crunchy which it makes it more fun,
the ones who will ask the person next to them for my name while sat at my funeral service around my grieving family,
and pretend they knew me, and, yes, they knew me but they didnโt KNOW ME and they didnโt care and they never will.
i could slit my throat in front of them, gargles of blood pooling in my mouth, and all theyโd say is โthatโs the first time iโve heard her speak!โ
all i can say is that iโm sorry.
iโm sorry that we grew up to no longer want to grow up.
you canโt miss me, you donโt even know me yet, however i will always miss you.