rachel barbra

Kitty paid special attention to Rachel’s hands as they twisted up on themselves, which just worried her more. If Rachel had to think that much and was anxious just to tell her about what was happening, what could Kitty do to help her? What if this had been going on for years and she just never knew it? 

Thankfully Rachel finally answered and at least it wasn’t a years-long thing. But four months? That was still a long time. “Oh,” Kitty said softly, since she felt like she had to say something but she didn’t know what. She tried to think back on that time, but it seemed so long ago. So much had changed since then, from her understanding of her own feelings to her relationships on the tour to, well, everything. Did she notice Rachel acting weird, or was Rachel just such a great actress she still hadn’t realized? She couldn’t really remember any of it.

Kitty looked right back at Rachel as she finally looked up at her. Kitty’s eyebrows pressed together in concern at the words panic attack. She could remember all the symptoms she had read in her textbooks - dizziness, trouble breathing, nausea, all of that - and thinking of all of that, how Rachel of all people, her best friend and rock and everything, had to deal with that made her want to cry. 

Kitty’s eyes looked down at her lap as she blinked fast, which was kind of difficult with all the mascara the TV station had put on her for their performance. She felt a small sting when Rachel explained that Quinn knew, too. Even if it wasn’t her business to say so, how could Quinn have kept that a secret from her? Why would she? Why would Rachel? She wanted to ask that so badly and know what she might’ve done wrong, what she did to make Rachel think she couldn’t understand or something, but she knew it wouldn’t help to ask it right then. Rachel was obviously, well, anxious enough.

“Have you talked to anyone about this? Like, a professional or someone?” Kitty asked after a moment, her eyes finally looking back to Rachel. “Is it like tour stress, or do you think it’s something more serious?”

Kitty’s soft ‘Oh’ felt a bit like a dagger to Rachel’s heart. She’d not only let herself down, but her best friend as well. Rachel wished she could go all about it differently now, but there was no way to fix what was done. All they could do was move forward, and the only way that could happen was with Rachel being honest.

“I don’t know what it is. Or what exactly triggers the attacks. One moment I’m perfectly fine and the next I can’t breathe, or I can’t feel my face or legs. It’s all out of my control, and I hate it.” Tears stung the backs of Rachel’s eyes, but her rapid blinks did nothing to keep them at bay. They soon pooled and eventually tracked down her cheeks, but Rachel made no move to wipe them away. 

She was a planner. From the time she could hold a crayon in her fist and write out her goals, Rachel planned. She planned her life’s dreams, she planned out her days, her excursions, many of their songs, their setlists. She controlled all aspects of her life that she could, and to have that simply ripped from her with no warning--

“It’s embarrassing. I’ve performed all my life and suddenly now I can’t hack it without breaking down? I didn’t want to worry you or Sam. I didn’t want you to have to hover or take care of me or be afraid that I would lose it while on stage. But I haven’t enjoyed hiding this from you.” Guilt surged again as Rachel’s vision tinted green around the edges. “And I’ve thought about telling you for weeks now, but you’ve always been...preoccupied. First with Katrina and now with Marley. 

Finding out that Rachel was dealing with anxiety shook Kitty to the core. The diagnosis didn’t surprise her, though, not really. After she found out, she connected the dots and realized that it explained a lot of her weird behavior - her random disappearances, her hushed conversations with Sabrina, everything. Hindsight’s 20/20, right? 

What shook her was how she didn’t realize it sooner. She knew Rachel had been acting a bit off, but between talking about her sexuality and Marley and the tour and Marley and music and even more Marley, Kitty had just missed all of it. She felt like a shitty friend, which, well, she was a lot of the time. She knew that. But between not not knowing how to help Marley and not even realizing how Rachel was doing, Kitty just felt like an awful person in general. Which, yes, she was used to, but normally not with them. At least not with Rachel.

Kitty was glad Rachel decided to talk this over in person. She wanted to be there for her; Rachel had always been there for her, and Kitty knew it was more than her time to be there in response. So after the show with Adam Crawford - who she definitely called the poor man’s James Corden to his face, which he seemed to appreciate - Kitty and Rachel broke off from the rest of the group.

Much to Kitty’s surprise, Rachel threw her arms around her first thing. Between this and Norah, Kitty was dealing with a lot more emotion than she had planned. But Kitty immediately wrapped her arms back around Rachel and closed her eyes tightly, just holding her for a long time. As much as Kitty loved being with Marley in their room, she had missed being around Rachel. 

After a while, Kitty gently broke out of Rachel’s arms and gently walked her over to sit. “Let’s start from the beginning,” Kitty said carefully as she sat down across from her. “I promise I’m listening and I’m here for you.”

The beginning. 

Rachel stared at her hands, fingers twisting. That was part of the problem, wasn’t it? The beginning. Rachel didn’t know where all this began, because if she did, than perhaps she could fix whatever it was that set all this into motion. She just knew when the first wave of panic knocked into her out of nowhere, caused to to sink, unmoving, to the bathroom stall floor until Quinn had found her.

“Back in...in December,” Rachel sighed and frowned. She was disappointed in herself that she hid such an impactful part of her life from her best friend, from the person that knew her best, for so long. “Remember when we were doing all the tour prep and the practice for the Jingle Ball?” Pausing for a moment to buy herself additional time, even it was just mere seconds, Rachel inhaled a deep breath. 

She knew she wasn’t alone in this, not with her best friend sitting across from her, but Rachel had gotten so used to Sabrina strong presence, and Quinn’s understanding and kindness, that she almost wished that one of them were here. Maybe Quinn, because maybe she’d let Rachel hold her hand for strength. With another fortifying breath, Rachel finally looked up to meet Kitty’s eyes and admit, “I had a panic attack.” Another pause. “And Quinn found me. And-and, Sabrina knows, too.” Rachel’s voice wavered, breaking a bit under the weight of guilt. “I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to tell you.”